What is retroactive jealousy? Five tips to ease insecurities

Most people have had past relationships before meeting their current partner. Feeling curious about those relationships is normal. But, sometimes that curiosity can turn into retroactive jealousy — strong and upsetting feelings about your partner’s exes.

If these feelings don’t go away, they can hurt your relationship. The good news is, with support, you can understand where the jealousy comes from and learn how to feel more secure with your partner.

What is retroactive jealousy?

Retroactive jealousy is when someone feels upset or obsessed about their partner’s past relationships or sexual history — even when there’s no current betrayal or reason for distrust. It’s about feeling stuck on the past in a way that harms the present.

Common signs of retroactive jealousy include:

• Comparing yourself to your partner’s exes and and feeling “less than”

• Checking their phone or email without permission

• Questioning their love or loyalty without any proof

• Frequent arguments, sometimes leading to verbal or emotional harm

• Constant suspicion and fading trust

• Upsetting thoughts about your partner’s past

• Mental and emotional strain — for both of you

Jealousy of all kinds can negatively impact relationships and personal happiness. But if you or your partner are experiencing retroactive jealousy that’s overwhelming or ongoing, talking to a professional can help.

What triggers retroactive jealousy?

Retroactive jealousy can be triggered by things that make you feel insecure or unsure about yourself or your relationship. This might include comparing yourself to your partner’s exes, feeling afraid you’re not good enough, or noticing signs of past betrayals.

Social media is a big trigger for many people. A research study found that people who spend time looking at their partner’s exes online are more likely to feel unsure about their relationship. Seeing posts or photos of your partner’s exes online can make you feel jealous or worried. Instead of talking openly, it’s easy to get caught up in checking their past, which can hurt your trust and connection.

Coping with retroactive jealousy

When retroactive jealousy goes unaddressed, it can damage the trust between you and your partner and make communication harder. It might also lead to anxiety, low self-esteem, and constant worrying. That’s why it’s important to try practical steps to manage these feelings and protect your relationship.

Here are some strategies to help you take back control and focus on building trust.

1. Self-awareness: Start paying attention to when you’re more likely to experience retroactive jealousy. By increasing awareness around your triggers, you’ll have more ability to course correct and keep your insecurity at bay.

2. Communication: Everyone experiences jealousy from time to time. When you notice those feelings arising, practice discussing them with your partner without blaming them or making accusations. Let them know how you’re feeling and ask for what you need to feel more secure.

3. Cognitive reframing: One of the most challenging things about retroactive jealousy is that it is an unfounded experience. So when you find yourself fixating on your partner's past, try challenging those irrational beliefs. Ask yourself if your suspicions are grounded in reality and look for ways to see the situation from a more constructive and realistic perspective.

4. Mindfulness: Mindfulness is all about slowing down enough to notice what’s happening in your mind and body at a given moment, without judgment. When you feel triggered, anxious, or jealous, take a moment to slow down and take a few slow, deep breaths. Notice your thoughts and give yourself a few moments to process them without judgment.

5. Building self-esteem: Retroactive jealousy can erode your self-esteem and cause you to negatively compare yourself to others. So make time to engage in activities that make you feel like your best self.

Find support for overcoming retroactive jealousy

All of our romantic relationships have the potential to impact subsequent relationships after they end. And many people have moments when they feel insecure about a partner’s past. But if retroactive jealousy is negatively affecting your well-being and your current partnership, it might be time to consider speaking with a mental health professional.

Rula can help you quickly find an in-network therapist who can provide a safe space to explore underlying issues and develop coping strategies.

Whether you’re interested in individual or couples counseling (or both!), Rula can help connect you with the care you need. To learn more about we can connect you with a therapist who takes your insurance in as little as two days, check out our website.