A parent’s guide to ADHD meltdowns in children

Almost every child has the occasional temper tantrum. But children with ADHD (attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder) may have more severe or longer-lasting tantrums. They may also continue to experience these tantrums later than they’re typically expected from a developmental standpoint. These tantrums are often called ADHD meltdowns.

If you’re a parent, watching your child go through repeated meltdowns can be exhausting, confusing, and isolating — especially as their peers seem to be moving past this phase. It’s important to remember that you’re not doing anything wrong, and neither is your child. ADHD meltdowns are different from typical tantrums because they come from a place of overwhelm, not defiance.

What an ADHD meltdown can look like in a child

An ADHD meltdown isn’t an officially recognized clinical term. But parents of children and teenagers with ADHD are often deeply familiar with them. We may use the term “meltdown” when we’re describing how a child with ADHD becomes overwhelmed by their emotions and has a hard time self-soothing.

Some signs that your child may be having an ADHD meltdown include:

• Crying that seems intense or hard to stop
• Screaming or yelling that feels out of the blue or more intense than the situation calls for
• Physical outbursts like hitting, kicking, or throwing things
• Running away or trying to escape the situation
• Saying things like, “I hate you,” or, “I hate myself”
• Shutting down completely or refusing to speak
• Difficulty breathing or fast breathing from distress
• Refusing to follow instructions even after beginning to calm down
• Becoming hyperfocused on one perceived injustice
• Saying or doing things that seem impulsive and extreme

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Unexpected triggers for kids with ADHD

Emotional dysregulation is a common feature for children and adults with ADHD. Regulating emotions is a complex executive functioning skill. No one is perfect at emotional regulation 100% of the time, but research has shown that living with ADHD can make it significantly more difficult.

ADHD also often comes with sensory processing difficulties. This can make everyday sensory input like bright lights or certain sounds feel extremely stressful and could contribute to a meltdown. 

Some other reasons why children with ADHD may have meltdowns include:

• Transitions between activities (like going to school or leaving the playground) 
• Hunger or low blood sugar
• Overstimulation from crowds
• Fatigue or changes in sleep patterns
• Feeling frustrated, misunderstood, or unfairly punished
• Having too many instructions or demands at once
• Difficulty expressing what they need or how they feel

Supporting your child through an ADHD meltdown

Watching your child with ADHD go through a meltdown can be both painful and frustrating. As a parent, you might feel stuck or like you don’t know what to do. You may even start to feel irritated, embarrassed, or angry. These are understandable emotional reactions, but it’s also important to know how to support your child through an ADHD meltdown and take care of yourself in the process.

Understand ADHD and child behavior

It can often help to learn more about the science behind ADHD meltdowns, gaining a deeper understanding of what’s happening biologically. This is why education is often an important part of parent management training. 

When you know the objective reasoning behind these meltdowns, you may be less likely to blame your child or yourself for them. It can also help to learn about child development and “normal” behaviors as well — almost all children have tantrums at some point.

Validate their emotions

From your adult perspective, it may feel like your child is having a meltdown for an insignificant reason. And while it’s true that ADHD meltdowns are often disproportionate to what triggered them, it’s also important to understand that, for your child, these emotions and experiences are very real.

Find ways to validate your child’s emotional experiences and not what they’re upset about. For example, your child may have a meltdown at bedtime because it’s time to stop playing video games. You don’t need to agree with them that needing to get ready for bed is unreasonable. For example, don’t say, “You’re right. You should be able to stay up as late as you want.”

But you don’t need to agree with their reasoning to be able to validate their emotions. For example, you might say something like, “I know that these transitions are really hard and uncomfortable for you, and I know that you would rather continue playing video games. It seems like this is making you really upset.”

Teach self-regulation skills

You can also focus on helping your child learn important skills that they can use when they need to self-soothe. It’s important to do this when your child isn’t dysregulated too. If they’re already in the middle of a meltdown, that’s not a good time to try to teach your child about breathing or relaxation techniques.

But by working on these skills every day as part of your child’s routine, they may be more likely to use them in the heat of the moment. It’s OK if they can’t use them right away. The more you practice them, the more it’ll become a habit.

Take care of yourself

It can be easy to start blaming yourself for your child’s ADHD meltdowns. But remember, these meltdowns happen because of how ADHD affects your child’s brain. There’s no evidence indicating that ADHD is caused by poor parenting. It’s a mostly genetic neurodevelopmental condition that can be managed.

Show yourself compassion. Just like you don’t expect perfection from your child, try not to expect perfection from yourself, either. Although it’s important to use the best strategies to support your child with ADHD, you may not get it right every time — and that’s OK. Getting individual therapy for yourself or working alongside your child’s ADHD therapist may give you useful tools to navigate meltdowns and support your mental health.

Seek diagnosis and treatment

Early diagnosis and intervention for ADHD can make a big difference in your and your child’s life. Behavior therapy — especially parent management training — has been shown to be one of the most effective treatments for young children with ADHD. Working with a therapist can help your child learn self-regulation skills and help you feel more confident in handling meltdowns when they happen.

Some children benefit from individual behavior therapy combined with ADHD medication. Your child’s provider can help determine what treatment path is best for them.

Find care with Rula

ADHD meltdowns in your child can feel overwhelming for everyone involved. But ADHD treatment can be effective. Working with a therapist and learning coping strategies can help your child navigate their symptoms. With time, they may experience fewer, or less severe, meltdowns. 

At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best.

Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we’re here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.

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