What is polyamory?

Polyamory is a form of ethical nonmonogamy (ENM). It’s a relationship style that does involve multiple emotional and sexual connections, and research shows it’s on the rise. According to a recent report, approximately one in nine American adults have been involved in a polyamorous relationship, and one in six say they’d like to be in one.

But despite its growing popularity, many people remain critical of polyamory, questioning whether it’s healthy or ethical. Meanwhile, the data tells a different story. Surveys consistently find that people in polyamorous relationships have rates of mental well-being that are on par with or better than people in monogamous relationships. 

Like any relationship style, polyamory isn’t for everyone. But learning more about it and how it works can help you decide if it’s right for you. 

How polyamorous relationships work

If you asked a group of people who practice polyamory to describe their relationships, you’d probably get many different answers. This is because, just like other relationship structures, there are many ways to be polyamorous. At its core, polyamory is about building and maintaining multiple deep romantic connections at the same time. 

But to understand what it means to be “poly,” it’s also important to understand what it’s not. Take a look at the following terms to learn how these different relationship structures differ from polyamory. 

• Monogamy: This two-person relationship doesn’t allow for outside sexual or romantic connections.
• Ethical nonmonogamy (ENM): This is an umbrella term for relationship styles in which people have multiple romantic and/or sexual partners, with everyone involved being informed and consenting. Polyamory is one form of ENM.
• Polygamy: This is a hierarchical religious or cultural practice of having multiple spouses. The most common form involves one man having power and control over several wives. 
• Open relationship: Partners in open relationships can build romantic or sexual connections with other people outside of their relationship, often with some mutually agreed-upon boundaries and expectations.
• Swinging: People who refer to themselves as “swingers” have sexual relationships with other people with the consent of their partner. The sex is usually casual, and swingers typically don’t seek out additional long-term romantic partnerships.

So how do polyamorous relationships work in practice — and what makes them successful? While polyamory looks different for everyone, research has identified a few common threads that support healthy outcomes. 

For example, polyamorous people often develop strong communication skills, engage in regular check-ins with partners, and prioritize emotional transparency. Many also report a sense of autonomy and personal growth that comes from navigating multiple relationships with intention and care. As with any relationship structure, the key isn’t how many partners someone has. Rather, it’s about whether the relationships are built on trust, mutual respect, and consent.

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Different types of polyamorous relationships

As you review the different types of polyamorous relationships listed below, keep a few things in mind. First, the language around ethical nonmonogamy in all forms continues to evolve. So, while the following terms might help you make sense of various relationship forms, it’s not a complete list. 

Second, if you don’t see a term that fits your preferred relationship format, that’s OK. These terms are meant to be a jumping-off point, not a final destination. Remember, all relationship styles are valid, and you get to choose the words you use to describe your connections. It’s also important to note that you don’t have to be in an active polyamorous relationship to define yourself as polyamorous.

• Hierarchical polyamory: Partners are divided into tiered categories (like primary and secondary) that communicate a level of power and influence. Often, primary partners are married and/or live together and have “veto power” over their primary partners’ secondary (or tertiary, etc.) relationships.
• Egalitarian polyamory: Everyone involved has the same power and privilege. For example, in this model, a person’s spouse or significant other wouldn’t “come before” other partners. 
• Kitchen-table polyamory: Whether they live together or independently, people in this relationship style could sit “around the kitchen table” and enjoy a meal together. The goal is to have all partners (and partners’ partners, etc.) get along with and respect one another.
• Solo poly: This relationship model involves being open to dating different people and having multiple close relationships at the same time while not having a desire for a primary partner or to share a living space with someone else. 
• Polyfidelity: This is when a polycule (all of the people connected by a polyamorous relationship) decides to close the relationship. This means that they’re not open to inviting new partners into the dynamic, either permanently or for a certain period of time. 
• Relationship anarchy (RA): This way of relating prioritizes the value of individual autonomy and sees all relationships (romantic and otherwise) as valuable. For example, people practicing RA may not see a friendship as less important than a romantic partnership. Without a hierarchy, people can decide how much time, energy, and effort they want to put into each relationship.

Is polyamory right for you?

The decision to become polyamorous is an individual one. But some factors to consider as you reflect on which relationship structure is right for you include:

• From a practical standpoint, managing relationships with multiple partners can be time consuming. You may not have the bandwidth for added complexity at this time for a variety of valid reasons.
• Unlike the dominant cultural narrative around jealousy, most poly people view jealousy as a natural human emotion and an opportunity for growth. Part of being poly is learning to work through jealousy in healthy ways.
• While societal perspectives on polyamory are shifting, negative attitudes about this relationship structure persist. This means you might encounter bias or discrimination due to your relationship status.

Despite these challenges, polyamory can be a healthy, fulfilling experience for many people. Research shows that many people who consensually participate in polyamory may have better mental health, deeper levels of intimacy, greater resilience, and more sexual satisfaction than their monogamous counterparts.

Keys to thriving in polyamory

Whether you’ve been practicing it for years or are just getting started, here are some tips to help you thrive in polyamory:  

• Take your time. Remember, you don’t have to rush into a new relationship or make a sweeping change to your dynamic. Instead, maintain a sense of curiosity, experiment, and take note of how you feel as things evolve.
• Be transparent. Open and honest communication is a hallmark of polyamory. When you talk to your partners, be clear about your needs and why polyamory is important to you. 
• Prioritize consent. For polyamory to work, everyone involved needs to be on the same page and consent to whatever values, boundaries, and norms will exist in the relationship. Be prepared to revisit these topics from time to time.
• Nurture each relationship. Your connections will vary, but they’re all important. Consider each of your partners’ needs and preferences, and look for ways to nurture each of your connections.
• Ask for help. If you’re experiencing some challenges in your polyamory journey, know that there are therapists who specialize in supporting people in ethically nonmonogamous relationships.

Find care with Rula

Better mental well-being and greater relationship satisfaction are just two of the many benefits of polyamorous relationships. But, like all relationships, polyamory isn’t without its challenges. So, if you’re struggling with communication, jealousy, or other common concerns, you’re not alone. With Rula, you can find an in-network therapist who offers the specialized, inclusive support you deserve in just a few clicks.    

At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best. 

Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we’re here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.

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