Key Takeaways
- In the swinger lifestyle, committed partners consensually engage in sexual activity with other people, often within agreed-upon boundaries.
- While not for everyone, some couples report more emotional intimacy, increased self-esteem, and better communication through consensual nonmonogamy.
- If you’re unsure if swinging is right for you, talking to a sex-positive therapist who specializes in supporting ethically nonmonogamous relationships can help.
Swinging is a form of ethical nonmonogamy (ENM). In the swinger lifestyle, romantic partners — often a married couple — engage in consensual sexual activity with others. While it’s difficult to gauge the total number of swinging relationships in existence today, research suggests that ENM is on the rise.
According to one study, about 1 in 5 people had been involved in some form of ENM, like polyamory, swinging, or an open relationship, at some point.
For many people, swinging can be a healthy form of sexual expression and a way to strengthen their self-esteem, mental health, and relationships. Learning more about the swinger lifestyle can help you decide whether it’s right for you and your partner.
What the ‘swinger lifestyle’ is like
Each person and couple will have their own unique experiences of swinging. But some of the core elements of the swinger lifestyle (often referred to as simply “the lifestyle”) include:
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Consent
Whether a couple chooses to swap partners, engage in group play, or otherwise, everyone involved should enthusiastically consent to whatever sexual activity will take place. Keep in mind the best time to ask for consent is before you’re actively engaged in sex.
You and your spouse or partner should take some time to discuss (both with each other and other play partners) what you want to experience and what you’re comfortable with before it happens. Gaining consent ahead of time will help ensure a safe and enjoyable experience for everyone.
Boundaries
When it comes to swinging, the activities that one person, couple, or group prefers might not be something that you and your partner are comfortable with, and that’s OK.
Cultivating a dynamic where each person can express their needs and trust the other people will honor them is an important part of the swinger lifestyle. It’s also important to remember that you’re allowed to shift your boundaries at any time.
Communication
ENM in all forms requires ongoing communication, and swinging is no exception. Discussing desires, expectations, and preferences can help create the closeness and trust that help nonmonogamous relationships thrive.
Clear communication can also help prevent misunderstandings, provide reassurance, and help you and your partner(s) navigate emotional discomfort, like jealousy, with care and sensitivity.
Respect
Swinging typically involves a relationship hierarchy that prioritizes existing partners or spouses. But each person in the dynamic, regardless of their relationship status, deserves to be treated with kindness, to have their needs met (sexual and otherwise), and their boundaries upheld. This can include things like declining an invitation for sex in a way that communicates respect.
Can swinging strengthen your relationship?
Despite its growing prevalence, nonmonogamy is still heavily stigmatized in many communities. People without experience in the swinger lifestyle may see it as a one-way ticket to a divorce or breakup. But in actuality, the research on swinging tells a very different story. People who engage in ethical, consensual swinging report higher-than-average rates of life and relationship satisfaction. They also tend to have stronger communication, more emotional intimacy with their partners, and above-average self-esteem.
These findings are compelling. But it’s worth noting the research on swinging has some significant limitations. The stigma surrounding the lifestyle can make it hard to recruit swingers to participate in surveys. So there are few modern, extensive studies on the topic (many took place in the 1970s).
In addition, a frequent criticism of the swinger community is that it’s largely heteronormative and homogeneous. Most studies on swinging focus solely on white, middle-aged, heterosexual couples. While female situational bisexuality is widely accepted in the community, male same-sex activity appears to remain taboo among swingers.
Six tips for couples considering swinging
If you’re considering swinging (or if your partner or spouse has suggested it), here are some tips to help you and your partner navigate the experience:
- Reflect on your “why.” Before diving into swinging, consider why you’re drawn to it. What are you hoping it will do for you and your relationship? Some may think that swinging can be a way to “add some spice” to a long-term relationship or heal from conflict. But you’re more likely to have a positive experience with swinging if your relationship is already in a stable place.
- Consider your bandwidth. No relationship is easy. But adding the complexity of additional sexual partners can take some extra effort. Think about your existing resources and consider whether now is the right time to start swinging. For example, if you just moved across the country, started a new job, or had a child, you may want to wait to start swinging until you have more bandwidth.
- Take it slow. If you’re curious about swinging, you can start by visiting sex-positive spaces or events in your area or online and see how that feels. Remember, you don’t have to move straight into swapping partners or group sex (unless you and your partner want to).
- Prepare for jealousy. In the swinger lifestyle, jealousy is viewed as a natural human emotion, and some swingers have even found ways to embrace or eroticize it. Learning to name jealousy when it arises and work through it in healthy ways can help you honor your needs and build trust with your partner. The prospect of jealousy is something to consider before opening your relationship to other sexual partners.
- Nurture friendships. Some people may mistakenly assume that the swinger lifestyle is all about sex. While that’s partly true, swinging can also provide an opportunity to connect and make new friends in a fun, social setting. Given the stigma that persists around swinging, building community with like-minded people can help you feel less alone.
- Ask for help. Whether you’re just getting interested in swinging or you’ve been in the lifestyle for years, know that it’s OK to ask for help. A sex-positive therapist who specializes in supporting people in ENM relationships can help you explore the joys and challenges of swinging.
I often see that couples who are good fits for swinging have strong communication skills and a secure attachment to one another. They’re usually open-minded, emotionally self-aware, and able to navigate jealousy with honesty and care.
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Swinging is a form of ethical nonmonogamy (ENM) in which committed partners engage in sexual activity with other people. For many couples, it can foster emotional intimacy, strengthen communication, and increase self-esteem. ENM, in all forms, hinges on respect, consent, and communication. But it can still be stigmatized and misunderstood. If you’re interested in swinging, a sex-positive therapist can offer guidance and support as you and your partner explore this new dynamic.
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About the author
Liz Talago
Liz Talago, M.ed. is a mental health professional turned content writer and strategist based in the Detroit metro area. As an independent consultant for mental health organizations, Liz creates meaningful connections between brands and their audiences through strategic storytelling. Liz is known for championing diverse perspectives within the mental health industry and translating bold ideas into inspiring, affirming digital experiences.
In her free time, you can find her hiking with her two German Shepherds, puttering around her dahlia garden, or spending time with her family.
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