What is ethical nonmonogamy?

Monogamy is considered the cultural norm in the U.S., but more and more people are keeping an open mind about how they spend their time and who they spend it with. A recent study found that more than one in five U.S. adults report having engaged in ethical nonmonogamy, like swinging or an open relationship. For context, that makes it as common as speaking a language other than English at home.

Ethical nonmonogamy (ENM), or consensual nonmonogamy, is when you have romantic, sexual, and/or emotional relationships with multiple people. While that may sound like a recipe for disaster, these arrangements are based on honesty, clear communication, and mutual consent between everyone involved. If you’re considering ENM, take some time to understand which relationship structure is best for you and your partner(s). 

Different types of ethical nonmonogamy

ENM is an umbrella term that describes a range of relationship formats in which people engage in consensual connections with more than one partner. There are different ways to explore ENM, but some of the more common types include:

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Polyamory

Polyamory is the practice of having, or being open to having, multiple romantic relationships at the same time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. There are different ways to experience polyamory. Some polyamorous relationships are hierarchical, meaning you have one primary partner, while other polyamorous relationships view all partners as equals. 

Open relationships

An open relationship is when you’re in an established relationship but you and/or your partner are open to sexual experiences with other people. With an open relationship, you can flirt, go on dates, and even engage in sexual intimacy with someone other than your primary partner. That said, most couples have agreed upon rules — like not hooking up with ex-partners and mutual friends.

Swinging

Swinging is when you (or you and your partner) have casual sexual encounters with other people. It can occur individually, together, or in groups. And there’s usually a social component — like swapping sexual partners or group play. Most swinging arrangements have boundaries that limit emotional and romantic intimacy with other people. 

Monogamish

Monogamish is exactly what it sounds like — monogamy but not quite. With monogamish, a committed couple will occasionally open their relationship to other people to help fulfill their sexual desires and needs. This study emphasizes that “monogamish” couples often prioritize emotional exclusivity while allowing consensual sexual experiences outside the relationship.

Is nonmonogamy right for you?

Research has found similar levels of relationship satisfaction between people in monogamous and ethically nonmonogamous relationships. Just like traditional monogamous relationships, nonmonogamous relationships thrive on trust, open communication, and mutual support. However, whether it’s right for you is another question. 

Ethically nonmonogamous relationships can be a great fit for people who want to explore their sexuality, fulfill unmet needs, or build meaningful connections with multiple people. Other benefits include: 

• Relationship satisfaction: Being in a consensually nonmonogamous relationship may increase trust, honesty, and intimacy with your primary partner.
• Self-discovery and growth: Exploring additional relationships can help you learn new things about yourself and other people. 
• Support network: By inviting new people into your life, you have a chance to grow your support network — which has been linked to greater happiness and social connectedness. 

That said, there are several possible challenges to consider — including trust issues, time management problems, and stigmas. Without clear boundaries, ethical nonmonogamy can lead to jealousy, anxiety, disrespect, and possessiveness. 

Some people also struggle with the logistics of coordinating and communicating plans with multiple partners. And while nonmonogamy has become much more mainstream, these people in these types of relationships are still sometimes labeled as promiscuous or untrustworthy.

If you’re still not sure where you stand, take a few minutes to consider the following questions: 

• Why are you interested in nonmonogamy?
• What type of arrangement are you interested in, and what are you hoping to gain from it? 
• If you’re currently in a relationship, do you have any concerns about opening up your relationship to other people?
• Do you think you or your partner have the skills to manage jealousy or other big feelings?
• Do you and your partner speak openly with each other and take the time to try to understand each other’s needs?

Tips for wellness in nonmonogamy

If you’re interested in an open relationship, it’s important to be mindful of how you approach the conversation with your partner. By sharing your thoughts in a respectful and compassionate way, you can voice your needs while remaining mindful of everyone’s feelings and emotional well-being.

When you’re ready to discuss your relationship arrangement with your partner, choose a private location. Try to remain patient, flexible, and understanding as they take time to process and respond. It’s hard to predict how they’ll react, but the following tips can help you find a solution that feels right for everyone involved. 

• Create boundaries. Boundaries are an absolute must with ethical nonmonogamy. They define how you’d like to be treated and what you will or won’t tolerate in a relationship. 
• Prioritize communication. Ethical nonmonogamy is built on open and honest communication. Make a point to have regular check-ins to ensure that everyone feels comfortable and satisfied with the arrangement
• Seek professional support. If you’re interested in ethical nonmonogamy, consider meeting with a couples therapist to help you and your partner(s) explore your needs in a safe and supportive setting. Therapy can help you identify your desires, manage conflict, and cope with emotions like jealousy and frustration.

Find care with Rula

If you’ve been considering ethical nonmonogamy, you probably have some questions about what it could look like for you and your partner(s). Working with a therapist can help you identify any unmet personal needs and explore how to make your relationship(s) more fulfilling. If you decide to open up your relationship, therapy can offer additional resources and support as you navigate this transition.

At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best. 

Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we’re here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.

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