Mend it or end it? How to know when it’s time to break up

Deciding whether to stay in a relationship or walk away can be one of the most difficult and emotionally heavy choices you can make in life. You might be questioning whether things will ever get better, wondering if your problems are “bad enough” to justify a breakup, or feeling torn between love and incompatibility.

It’s natural to have doubts and fears about breaking up — especially if you’ve invested a lot into the relationship. But staying in a relationship that no longer serves you or actively harms your mental health can take an even greater toll in the long run. A therapist can help you untangle your thoughts and make the decision that’s right for you.

Questions to consider before calling it quits

It’s important to practice deep self-reflection before deciding to stay or leave a relationship. Think about your answers to the following questions. You may want to use them as journal prompts. Your answers can help you decide whether your relationship is worth saving.

Are you getting your physical and emotional needs met?

It’s normal for your partner not to be able to meet your emotional or sexual needs 100% of the time. Start by having open discussions together or with a professional to address these needs. If this is a consistent pattern in your relationship and efforts to resolve the problem haven’t been helpful, it could be time to make a change.

Do you like your partner?

Most people stay with their partners because of love. But, on top of loving and caring for your heart, think about whether you actually like them as a person. If you weren’t in a relationship with them, would you still genuinely like the type of person they are?

Do you like yourself when you’re around your partner?

Just as important is whether you like yourself and who you’re becoming within the relationship. Does your partner bring out the best in you? Do you feel as though you both influence each other in a positive way? Or do you feel like you’ve turned into someone you don’t recognize or like?

Do you show respect and kindness for each other?

According to the Gottman Method — which is one of the most common couples therapy methods — contempt is one of the most destructive things in a relationship and the number one predictor of divorce. Even when you don’t agree with each other, are you able to show each other a basic level of respect and kindness? Or do you communicate with sarcasm and disgust?

Do you have similar life goals and values?

Relationships don’t always end because of arguments. Sometimes, you may simply be unable to come to an agreement about a shared life vision. For example, maybe one of you wants children while the other doesn’t. If there are non-negotiable differences in your life goals or values, it may be time to call it quits.

On the other hand, if important life goals are shared and there are daily stressors that cause discord, you may be able to work through them with healthy communication and adjustments. 

Is there a fundamental level of trust?

Sometimes, things can happen within a relationship — like infidelity — that temporarily break trust. If you don’t feel like you can ever rebuild that fundamental level of trust within the relationship, you may need to give it up.

If you notice effort is being made to repair and rebuild, you may feel more open to continuing the relationship with the hope that you’ll rebuild trust over time.

Dig deeper:

• Is micro cheating a breach of trust?

Do you feel safe being your true self?

An intimate relationship should be a place where you feel totally safe to be your most authentic self. How do you feel when you show up authentically with your partner? If you feel like you’re met with appreciation for your uniqueness, you may be more inclined to stay. If you feel like your partner judges or shames you for being who you are, this may not be the best relationship for you.

Every relationship is unique, and, regardless of your answers, you may decide to work on strengthening your relationship instead of ending it. These questions are only designed to help you reflect on your relationship and make a plan for change if necessary.

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Clear signs you should walk away

The decision of whether to leave a relationship is often subjective. For example, even within cases of infidelity, there are couples who decide to fight for the relationship and those who end the relationship immediately.

But, if your partner is abusing you in any way, it’s best to get out if you can do so safely. Intimate partner violence and abuse can appear in many different ways:

• Physical abuse can include slapping, pinching, and scratching, as well as more severe forms of violence, like punching, kicking, and gun violence.
• Psychological abuse includes controlling behaviors, gaslighting, manipulation, and isolating you from friends or family.
• Verbal abuse includes insults, shouting, and any other way of using words to intentionally hurt you. Your partner may say things that belittle or demean you or make you feel worthless.
• Financial abuse is when your partner controls all financial resources and makes it difficult for you to have financial independence. This could include restricting access to bank accounts or forcing you to hand over your earnings.
• Sexual abuse happens when your partner coerces, pressures, or forces you into any form of sexual activity without your full consent. You always have the right to say no, even in a long-term relationship or marriage.

If you’re in an abusive relationship, leaving can feel dangerous and scary. It’s essential that you protect your safety above anything else. You can anonymously contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline 24/7. They will listen to you and help you make the best decision for your situation. They can also refer you to local resources that can help get you to safety.

If your relationship feels like it’s reached a breaking point

If you feel like you’re at a breaking point and that something needs to give in your relationship for you to stay in it, you should communicate this to your partner as soon as you can. It’s not about giving an ultimatum, per se, but it’s important for your partner to know you’re seriously thinking about a breakup and make a solid plan for how to fight for the relationship if that’s the route you decide to go.

Communicate lovingly but firmly. Try not to beat around the bush. Keep the conversation focused on the specific concerns you have in the relationship. Try to avoid attacking your partner’s character, as this can make them get defensive. Some people find it helpful to write themselves an agenda of the points that they want to cover in the conversation.

Here’s an example of how you might go about this conversation:

“I know you’ve been so busy and distracted with work. But I wanted to talk to you today because I feel like I’m not getting my emotional needs met in this relationship. 

When you’re with me at home, it’s not enough for me that you’re physically present. I really need you to be emotionally connected with me and have more meaningful conversations. This is something that’s really important to me, and I don’t know if I can stay in a relationship where I’m not getting this need met. 

What do you think? How can we work together to make this better?”

If you feel like having a conversation like this would be futile, or if you’ve already talked about these issues and haven’t achieved a resolution, you may decide to end the relationship. Being clear about your intent can prevent them from feeling confused about the status of the relationship and help you both move on.

Find care with Rula

No one else can tell you whether to stay or leave a relationship. This is a deeply personal decision, but you don’t have to figure it out alone. Therapy can provide a space to process your emotions, explore what’s best for you, and build the tools you need to move forward.

At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best. 

Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we’re here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.

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