The art of setting expectations in relationships

Setting expectations in a relationship is an important part of aligning with your partner, protecting your relationship satisfaction, and avoiding feelings of resentment. But many people struggle to know what’s reasonable to expect and how to talk about it. You might have been told that your expectations are too high or have found that trying to set expectations only led to arguing.

It’s true that relationship expectations can sometimes be unrealistic, overly idealistic, or even rooted in fear or control. But that doesn’t mean you should give up on them altogether. When they’re set with self-awareness and open communication, expectations can help you feel more connected to your partner and more secure in your relationship. 

How setting expectations can go wrong

Generally, setting expectations is a necessary part of having a healthy relationship. But when it’s done in unhealthy ways, or if the expectations are driven by perfectionism and fear, they can backfire. That’s why it’s important to consider your intentions with setting expectations and how you’re approaching this process with your partner. 

Some examples of scenarios in which setting expectations is unhealthy include: 

• Setting perfectionistic or idealistic expectations: No relationship is perfect, and it’s essential to stay realistic when you’re setting expectations. That doesn’t mean that you need to “settle for less,” but don’t let the need for perfection ruin a good relationship. For example, having an expectation that your partner will be in a good mood every single day may not be realistically sustainable. Try to build a more realistic view of relationships and prioritize mutual respect over specific expectations.
• Not communicating expectations: Expectations for the relationship should be openly shared between partners. If you have expectations of your partner but never communicate them, there’s no way for them to know. This can lead to passive-aggressive behaviors and frustration. 
• Using expectations to control: Some expectations aren’t really about the relationship and are more about trying to control the other person. For example, your partner expects you to never go out without them, always text back immediately, or agree with them on everything. These types of expectations can come from fear or past trauma but can lead to resentment and emotional distance.
• Expecting someone will completely change: People change all the time, even within relationships. But it can cause a lot of hurt to get into or stay in a relationship expecting that the other person will completely change their values and goals. For example, if a potential partner tells you that they don’t want children, it would be unhealthy to get into a relationship with them expecting they’ll someday change their minds.
• Thinking someone will always stay the same: On the flip side, you can’t expect your partner to never change their mind or grow. People naturally evolve throughout their lives, and expecting someone to stay exactly the same forever can stifle both partners’ growth and lead to frustration or disappointment.

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Healthy expectations for a relationship

As long as they’re not unrealistic or harmful, expectations are foundational to a healthy partnership. 

Research has found that setting healthy expectations in a relationship can have many benefits. One review determined that when people hold clear and healthy expectations — like expecting respect, positive attention, and honesty — then they often act in ways that elicit that behavior from their partner. 

Setting expectations can also bring clarity and reduce stress in the relationship. You know exactly what your partner needs from you to be happy. And people who know what their partner wants and expects report less anxiety and insecurity. 

What’s healthy and not healthy in terms of relationship expectations can often be subjective. But generally, setting expectations can build trust in your relationship, as well as helping you feel closer and more aligned with both you and your partner’s values and needs.

Reasonable and realistic expectations in a relationship may include:

• Open and honest communication
• A sense of safety and respect 
• Support for each other’s goals and growth
• Healthy conflict resolution 
• Respecting each other’s physical and emotional boundaries
• Affection and intimacy that feels meaningful to you  

Dig deeper:

• Micro cheating: are you on the same page as your partner?

How to manage expectations long-term

Expectations within a long-term relationship need to be revisited and managed continuously. As you and your relationship evolves, expectations may change and require consistent communication to ensure you’re on the same page. 

Consider these tips to set and maintain healthy expectations in your relationship: 

• Clarify your nonnegotiables. Knowing what you absolutely need in a relationship helps you avoid compromising on things that are essential to your well-being — and maintaining flexibility. 
• Communicate expectations explicitly. Don’t assume your partner can read your mind. Clear communication helps reduce misunderstandings and frustration.
• Schedule regular check-ins. Setting aside time to check in with each other regularly can help you stay aligned and in sync with each other.
• Be willing to adapt and compromise. Life changes, and sometimes your expectations need to change too. Stay open to growth and adaptation
• Prioritize connection over specifics. Try not to get too caught up in the exact way something is done. What matters most is feeling emotionally connected and understood.

What if your expectations don’t align with your partner’s? 

If your expectations don’t align with your partner’s, it doesn’t mean that either of you is wrong. If you expect more from the relationship than your partner does, that doesn’t mean that your expectations are “too high.” Each person has their own unique expectations in relationships.

In situations like these, it might not be about “lowering your standards” but instead exploring what’s realistically achievable in your relationship. You can discuss with your partner what’s needed to support your long-term satisfaction and happiness. 

If you feel that your expectations aren’t being met, consider if perfectionism is influencing your expectations or if this is genuinely what you need in your relationship. It’s OK if you need more than what your partner can give you, but it may be unhealthy to stay in a relationship expecting they’ll someday change. It may be time to let go of the relationship. 

Therapy can help you understand why you might have certain expectations — and whether they’re coming from your core values or from fear, anxiety, or past trauma. A therapist can help you learn how to communicate your needs in a healthy way and support you as you navigate relationship dynamics.

Find care with Rula

Setting and managing expectations in relationships isn’t always easy, especially if you’ve had negative experiences that make you doubt what you deserve. But healthy relationships are possible, especially with the right person and with the right support. A therapist can help you build stronger communication patterns and feel more secure in your expectations.

At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best.

Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we’re here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.

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