Key Takeaways
- Relationship anxiety means you often feel doubt, worry, fear, or insecurity in your relationship, even when things are going well.
- People with relationship anxiety often worry about being rejected or left behind. These fears can come from past relationships or difficult experiences growing up.
- Relationship anxiety is common and doesn’t always mean you have an anxiety disorder. Still, if the worry feels constant or starts to affect your daily life, talking to a therapist can help you understand what’s behind those emotions and boost your self-confidence.
You’ve finally met someone special, and they care about you too. But deep down, you can’t shake the fear that something might go wrong. Sometimes, feelings of distress could be a sign that you’re experiencing anxiety. Other times, it stems from being hurt in a previous relationship or growing up without feeling safe or valued.
You deserve to feel confident in your relationship, not stuck overthinking every text or fearing your partner might walk away. If anxiety is getting in the way, talking to a therapist — either on your own or with your partner — can help you understand what’s behind your fear, improve communication, and build a stronger sense of security.
Signs you’re dealing with relationship anxiety
Relationship anxiety can leave you feeling drained and cause tension or confusion between you and your partner. You might overthink every little thing, constantly worry your partner will leave, or continuously look for signs they still care, even when there’s no real problem.
Sometimes, it’s hard to tell if you’re just feeling anxious, or if there’s a real red flag — signs of unhealthy or unsafe behavior from your partner, not just worries in your head.
Some signs you might be dealing with relationship anxiety:
- Asking for reassurance: You find yourself asking questions like, “Do you still love me?” or, “Are we OK?” — even when things seem fine.
- Staying silent to avoid conflict: You hold back your true feelings or thoughts to avoid conflict. For example, if your partner forgets something important, you pretend that it’s no big deal, even though you’re hurt and disappointed.
- Changing yourself to avoid tension: You give up things you enjoy, like concerts or hobbies, just because your partner doesn’t like them. Over time, this can lead to resentment.
- Constantly comparing yourself to others: You find yourself checking out your partner’s exes online or looking at couples who seem more affectionate and start wondering if something’s missing in your relationship.
- Telling yourself the relationship is doomed: When you have relationship anxiety, self-sabotage can creep in. You might start arguments or emotionally pull away to protect yourself — not because you don’t care, but because you’re afraid of being hurt.
- Stressing instead of enjoying the relationship: If you’re overthinking about where things are headed instead of feeling happy and connected, it could be a sign of deeper fears or past wounds.
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Why your relationship is making you anxious
Sometimes, it’s not the relationship that’s the problem but how it makes you feel. Old wounds, low self-worth, or past heartbreaks can pop back up and make you second-guess everything, even when your partner is loving and supportive.
Some reasons a relationship might trigger anxiety include:
- Insecure attachment style: People with insecure attachment styles tend to crave closeness but also fear rejection and abandonment. This pattern usually starts in childhood and is associated with trauma, abuse, and neglect. You might feel “too needy” or worry your partner will leave you at any moment.
- Relationship OCD (ROCD): This form of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) involves obsessing over your relationship. You might question if your partner really loves you or if they’re “the one.” These thoughts are unwanted, hard to control, and can interfere with your daily life.
- Low self-esteem: When you don’t feel good about yourself, it’s hard to believe someone else could love you. You may seek constant reassurance or worry you’re not good enough. Developing self-compassion and kindness toward yourself can help ease these doubts.
- Past relationship trauma: If you’ve been hurt in a past relationship, unresolved trauma can carry into your current relationship and your ability to feel safe and secure.
- Unclear communication: When your partner is vague or avoids deep conversations, your brain may fill in the blanks with fear. Lack of clarity can fuel anxious thoughts like, “Are they mad at me?” or, “What did they mean by that?”
- Mental health conditions: Conditions like generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), panic disorders, and social anxiety can make relationship fears feel bigger. You might struggle to express your needs or worry you’ll never be good enough.
How to manage anxiety in a relationship
Even when your partner shows they love you, you might still feel scared they’ll leave. That fear can be overwhelming, and it’s not something you can just “snap out of.” It takes time, self-care, patience, and sometimes therapy to feel more secure and connected.
Here are some ways to start feeling better:
- Challenge your thoughts. Ask yourself if your fears are based on facts or just worries. Catching those anxious thoughts helps you stop them from spiraling.
- Set healthy boundaries. Speak up about your needs, and make space for your own well-being, hobbies, and peace of mind.
- Build your self-worth. Do things that make you feel confident and whole outside of the relationship.
- Try journal prompts. Write about what’s making you feel anxious and what would help you feel safe. This can bring clarity and calm.
- Use affirmations. When you find yourself replaying conversations or worrying, tell yourself, “It’s OK to trust and let love in,” or, “I’m worthy of love.”
- Seek help. A therapist can help you determine where your anxiety is coming from and teach you healthy coping skills.
A therapist may suggest approaches like:
- Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT): CBT helps people recognize unhelpful thought patterns, break the anxiety cycle, and replace fear with facts.
- Emotionally focused therapy (EFT): EFT helps couples understand each other on a deeper level and break out of negative patterns like withdrawing or shutting down.
- Emotional freedom technique (EFT): This strategy allows you to use different meridian points on your body paired with specific mantras to significantly reduce anxiety. It helps re-wire neural pathways in your brain and allows you to find alternative ways to navigate your feelings.
Uncertainty doesn’t mean something is wrong — it’s a natural part of building connection. Instead of viewing the unknown as a threat, we can learn to see it as space for trust and growth. This reframe helps calm anxious thoughts and opens the door to more secure, grounded relationships.
Find care with Rula
Feeling anxious about your relationship can be mentally exhausting and cause tension between you and your partner. Talking to a therapist can be a helpful step toward understanding what’s behind your relationship anxiety and learning how to manage it. A therapist can help you strengthen communication, build confidence, and manage your emotions in a healthy, productive way.
At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best.
Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we’re here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.
About the author
Linda Childers
Linda is an award-winning medical writer with experience writing for major media outlets, health companies, hospitals, and both consumer and trade print and digital outlets.
Her articles have appeared in the Washington Post, USA Today, WebMD, AARP, Brain+Life, HealthyWomen.org, The Rheumatologist, California Health Report, Everyday Health, HealthCentral, and many other media outlets.
While juggling the responsibilities of being part of the “sandwich generation” and caring for both her toddler son and terminally ill mother, a nurse friend encouraged her to seek therapy, which helped her to learn coping strategies and manage her depression. Linda hopes her work will help to destigmatize mental health conditions and encourage others to get the help they need.
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Members of Rula’s clinical leadership team and other expert providers contribute to all published content, offering guidance on themes and insights based on their firsthand experience in the field. Every piece of content is thoroughly reviewed by a clinician before publishing.
