Six patterns of shame in people with ADHD

For many people, one of the hardest parts of living with ADHD is the shame that often comes with it. People with ADHD can often internalize stigma that stems from childhood experiences or societal expectations. This stigma leads people to feel embarrassed or like an “other” when living with ADHD.

But ADHD is a common neurodevelopmental condition and nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, 15.5 million adults in the U.S. have an ADHD diagnosis. Finding a community of other neurodivergent people and getting the right support can help you feel more comfortable in your skin.

Here are some of the ways that shame can show up for people with ADHD.

1. Internalized stigma

While awareness around neurodevelopmental conditions like ADHD continues to grow, people who live with these conditions continue to face stigma in society. When you grow up in a world that judges you for who you are, you may end up developing internalized stigma. This is when you adopt society’s negative views about your condition as your own. It makes you feel like your ADHD symptoms are a reflection of your worth when they’re simply a part of how your brain functions. 

Internalized stigma can make you feel ashamed for having ADHD, even when you know it’s not your fault. You might feel embarrassed about disclosing your diagnosis or try to compensate for it in unhealthy ways. 

For example, you may avoid using tools or accommodations that could help, like extra time, planners, or reminders. Trying to rely solely on willpower can make things worse, leading to missed deadlines and increased stress.

2. Shame from childhood

Many people with ADHD face rejection from their peers during childhood. You may have been told that you were odd or different. Teachers may have blamed you for ADHD symptoms like disorganization or procrastination. Children with ADHD are also more likely to face abuse and neglect in their homes. 

If people treated you this way growing up, you may have developed toxic shame that you carry around with you to this day. You might feel a general sense of shame and unworthiness that isn’t attached to anything in particular.

3. Shame about disorganization and forgetfulness

Many people with ADHD experience shame about their symptoms, even if they understand what's causing them. For example, you might forget deadlines or appointments at work and feel too ashamed to let others know that you simply forgot due to ADHD. Or you might feel ashamed to have people in your home if you have a hard time keeping it organized. 

This kind of shame can become cyclical. When you feel bad about forgetting something, it only adds to the stress and makes it harder to stay on top of things in the future.

4. Shame in social situations

You may pick up on negative reactions or feel judged by others. In social situations, you might not behave in ways that neurotypical people behave or understand. For example, many people with ADHD tend to “overshare.” Maybe you’ve been told that you talk “too much.” 

You might walk away from social situations feeling self-critical and shameful, especially if you don’t have a supportive social network that understands or accepts you for who you are.

5. Shame about being different

Neurodivergent people, like those with ADHD, can often be made to feel ashamed about being different in general. You might have noticed from a very young age that your brain seems to work differently than other people's. 

This is nothing to be ashamed of, but many people with ADHD end up feeling isolated and judging themselves for their symptoms. You might have thoughts like, “I should be able to do this just like everyone else.” 

6. Shame in asking for help

Lastly, you might have shame around needing to ask for help. ADHD isn't a flaw. It’s a neurodevelopmental condition. There are treatments and accommodations that can make everyday life easier for you. You deserve access to those things, and you’re legally entitled to accommodations that level the playing field. 

But if you grew up being blamed for your symptoms, you may feel like you “should” be able to do things yourself without any help. You might feel ashamed about asking for support. This can be dangerous because it can prevent you from getting the support you need.

How to release shame tied to ADHD 

Living with ADHD isn’t something to be ashamed of. It simply means your brain works differently. And feeling shame or low self-esteem connected to ADHD could lead to other co-occurring mental health conditions, like depression. In fact, up to 50% of people with ADHD have been found to also live with depression. 

Here are some ways to release ADHD-related shame and work toward learning to love yourself for who you are.

Find a community

Your symptoms might feel especially intense if you're surrounded by neurotypical people who don't understand what life is like with ADHD. You may find it easier to let go of shame if you can connect with a community of other neurodivergent people who know what it’s like. You can also find role models within the ADHD community that can help you realize how ADHD can be a strength.

Understand the roots of shame

It’s important to understand where your shame comes from. For example, you could try to identify whether it’s due to trauma, societal stigma, self-criticism, or something else. Pinpointing the roots of your shame can be a crucial step toward releasing it. Often, shame is something that’s been ingrained over many years. Understanding this can help you develop strategies for letting go of it.

Learn about ADHD

When you learn more about ADHD and how it affects your brain, you may be less likely to judge yourself for your symptoms. Learning about ADHD can also help you advocate for yourself to people who may be overly critical. Instead of feeling like you're “broken,” you'll gain a deeper understanding of the way your brain functions, which can reduce feelings of shame.

Get ADHD treatment

Getting ADHD treatment isn’t just about reducing the symptoms themselves, although it can help with that. Seeing a mental health professional about ADHD can also help you navigate the other aspects of life with this condition, including shame. A therapist can provide you with a safe space to explore what ADHD has meant in your life. They can help you work through the shame that you may have carried with you since childhood.

Clinician's take

Working through shame can be a powerful turning point in ADHD treatment because it allows a person to embrace their diagnosis with kindness. This can make it easier to ask for support, try new strategies, and build confidence in managing their symptoms.

Ashley Ayala, LMFT

Clinical reviewer

Find care with Rula

Many people with ADHD experience chronic shame, even though it’s nothing to be ashamed about. But with the right support, you can address the shame and start seeing your ADHD symptoms as a part of your unique self.

At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best. 

Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we're here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.