Eight calming strategies for meltdowns in autistic children

Children and teens with autism spectrum disorder (autism) often experience what are commonly known as “meltdowns.” This is when they become so overwhelmed or overstimulated that they may scream, hit, or cry. This isn’t defiant behavior and shouldn’t be punished — but it can still be challenging for parents who may not know what to do when an autistic child has a meltdown. 

Use these eight strategies before, during, and after autistic meltdowns to support the mental health of both you and your child. 

1. Know their triggers

Although meltdowns may seem random, it’s rarely the case. Autistic children don’t have meltdowns just to be defiant. 

Autistic meltdowns are different from a panic attack. They often stem from a trigger that leads to stress, emotional dysregulation, or overstimulation, and, consequently, a meltdown. Familiarizing yourself with your child’s unique triggers can help you both prevent them as well as deal with them when they happen.

Common triggers for many autistic children include:

• Overstimulation
• Sensory overload, like bright lights or loud noises
• Itchy or uncomfortable clothing
• Being told “no”
• Changes in routine
• Unexpected transitions
• Feeling hungry or tired
• Being forced into social situations
• Not understanding what’s expected of them
• Too much verbal instruction
• Being physically touched when they don’t want to be

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2. Plan for transitions

Transitions — especially unexpected transitions — are a common trigger for children with autism. For example, you might have noticed your child has a hard time when it’s time to leave the playground or stop a favorite activity. Building as much predictability and routine as possible in your child’s life can make a big difference in avoiding meltdowns when these transitions inevitably happen.

You can try giving your child warnings before transitions (“You have five more minutes to play”), use visual timers, or provide schedules with pictures or words to help them understand what’s coming next. Verbally explaining what they can expect next can also help them transition into a new environment.

3. Prioritize safety

Autistic meltdowns can come on many levels. When they’re severe, they may cause your child to engage in physically harmful behaviors, especially toward themselves. For example, your child might bang their head or hit themselves because they’re so overwhelmed. In some cases, they may hurt other people as well.

As a parent, it’s important to prioritize your child’s safety when these meltdowns happen. Guide your child to a safe place where they’re unable to hurt themselves. Stay away from them physically if they’re trying to hurt you, and keep other people (like younger siblings) away as well — physical touch may feel even more overstimulating for them.

Focus on creating a safe and calm environment for your child. For example, you might dim the lights or take them to a quiet room and provide them with noise-canceling headphones. Some children may feel better when they’re left alone, while others may want your presence nearby — so it’s important to know your child’s preferences. 

4. Validate emotions

When your child is having a meltdown, it can be tempting to tell them to calm down or immediately rush to the solution. But it’s important to validate your child’s emotional experience first. Being told to calm down may feel minimizing to them, like no one is understanding how they’re feeling.

If your child is verbal, you can validate the underlying emotions behind your child’s meltdown without validating the behaviors. For example, if your child is having a hard time transitioning from one activity to another, you might say something like, “I know it’s hard to stop when you’re having fun. It’s OK to feel upset right now.” Try naming the emotion for your child as specifically as possible — like overwhelmed, sad, or frustrated.

5. Redirect

If you’re able to catch the early warning signs of a meltdown, you may be able to redirect your child’s attention. When you notice a meltdown coming on, offer two or three choices for other activities that your child can do. For example, if your child is showing signs of a meltdown while you’re in an overstimulating place, like the grocery store or a mall, you might give them choices like playing with a fidget toy, taking a break in the car, or listening to music on their headphones.

Redirection can help your child feel more in control and may interrupt the meltdown before it gets more intense.

6. Practice a coping plan

It’s also important for your child to be equipped with coping strategies that are appropriate for their developmental level. Once they’re already having a meltdown, it’s too late to teach them new strategies. However, you can teach and practice these strategies with your child before the meltdowns happen. Practice them until they become a habit.

Include your child in these plans as much as they’re able to be included. The plan should be as concrete as possible and include what will happen during every stage of the meltdown. For example, you might plan to use sensory tools or distraction activities when the meltdown is first happening. But you might also prepare your child that they’ll need to go to a safe area of the home if they start hurting others or themselves.

Explore these strategies to include in a meltdown coping plan:

• Use sensory tools like noise-canceling headphones, weighted blankets, or fidget toys to help reduce overstimulation.
• Practice calming exercises like deep breathing, squeezing a stress ball, or engaging in a soothing activity like drawing or swinging.
• Designate a safe space in your home where your child can go to regulate their emotions, especially if they need physical space or are at risk of harm.
• Rehearse the plan during calm moments, so it feels familiar and easier to use when emotions run high.

7. Avoid punishment

Remember that autistic meltdowns aren’t the same thing as temper tantrums. Children with autism aren’t behaving in this way to be defiant, but because they feel so overwhelmed by their emotions and have no other way to express them.

Never punish your child for having a meltdown. You may need to physically remove them from certain places to keep them safe, but this isn’t the same thing as punishment. Also, it may be helpful sometimes to talk about what happened afterward (if your child is able to do so) — but during the meltdown isn’t an appropriate time for any lessons. 

8. Stay calm

Your own emotions play a big role in how your child is able to regulate theirs. If you’re visibly stressed or upset, it may be harder for your child to feel safe enough to calm down. Try to model calm behavior, even if you’re feeling overwhelmed yourself.

After the meltdown has passed, take time to care for yourself. It’s OK to feel exhausted or frustrated. Consider reaching out to other parents of autistic children, getting support from a therapist, or building in small moments of rest throughout your day.

Find care with Rula

Meltdowns can be a painful and exhausting part of parenting a child with autism, but you don’t have to manage them alone. Therapy can help both your child and you as a parent feel more supported and better equipped to handle these meltdowns when they happen. 

At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best.

Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we’re here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.

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