Key Takeaways
Some people may be quicker to criticize others due to genetics, brain differences, and because they grew up around frequent criticism.
Learning the difference between being critical, delivering feedback, and holding others accountable can strengthen your relationships and help you live a more peaceful life.
Being less judgmental can benefit you in a variety of ways. You can start today by focusing on the behavior, setting boundaries without anger, and talking to a therapist (if needed).
Whether it’s their tone of voice, body language, or past behavior, people give us clues about what we can expect from them. Our brains are wired to scan for anything that might threaten our sense of safety or stability. Sometimes, this can make us more likely to focus on the negative. And then we respond with criticism — sometimes without meaning to.
For example, maybe your roommate cooked you dinner. But they didn’t clean up the kitchen afterward. You might be tempted to criticize the mess and overlook the delicious food they prepared. You might even be tempted to say, “This place is a total disaster! Why can’t you clean up after yourself?”
In this instance, you may have a valid point about keeping common areas clean. But it’s important to acknowledge the difference between giving helpful feedback and harsh criticism. There are ways to let someone know how their behavior affected you without being overly judgmental. Learning about this distinction can help you communicate assertively without being hurtful.
Digging into what’s causing critical thoughts
Critical thoughts can take different forms, and some are more helpful than others. Expanding on our example above, there are several different ways you could express your negative thoughts about the messy kitchen.
How it might sound: “I don’t know how you were raised, but only a total slob would leave the kitchen looking like that. What’s wrong with you?”
How it might sound: “This meal is delicious. Thank you so much for sharing it with me! Do you mind getting to the dishes before you head to bed so we can both wake up to a tidy kitchen? I’d be happy to lend a hand.”
How it might sound: “Hey, remember last month when we talked about keeping the common areas clean? I want to make sure we’re on the same page, since you left the kitchen pretty messy tonight.”
There are many reasons why you may sometimes be critical of others. Maybe you’re having a bad day. Maybe someone’s doing something that’s a pet peeve of yours. Or maybe there’s something deeper going on. For example, there’s research to suggest that being overly judgmental of others may be a function of brain differences in some people. It may also result from having parents or relatives who are also hypercritical, since some aspects of personality are considered heritable.
Being someone who frequently criticizes others doesn’t automatically mean that you have a mental health condition. But if your constant criticism is affecting your well-being, functioning, or relationships, it’s worth exploring. In some cases, extreme patterns of criticizing others may occur alongside other traits seen in conditions such as narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), but this should only be explored with a mental health professional.
The benefits of being less judgmental of others
Being less judgmental isn’t just good for the people on the receiving end of your criticism, it can benefit you and your mental health too.
Having a negative outlook and being judgmental can detract from your inner peace. Being less critical can help you live a more joyful life.
Releasing negative, critical thoughts can free up space for you to be the best version of yourself.
Some people who frequently criticize others might also be self-critical. Being compassionate and understanding toward others can help you do the same for yourself.
Fixating on others’ flaws can damage your relationships. Being less critical can help you strengthen your connections.
What we put out into the world typically finds its way back to us. When we demonstrate kindness, patience, and compassion, we’re more likely to receive those things.
Learning how to be less critical of other people
If you’re having challenges with criticism, know that you’re not alone, and help is available. A therapist can help you identify the source of your judgmental thoughts and work on replacing them with more compassionate ones.
In the meantime, here are some things you can do on your own to be less critical of other people.
Focus on behavior, not people. If you need to address a behavior, focus on what you want the person to change without attacking their character.
Practice setting boundaries. Being less critical doesn’t mean you can’t stick up for yourself when you need to. But try to set boundaries or make requests without anger.
Be present. Mindfulness is about slowing down to notice what’s happening in the present in your mind, body, and environment. Accepting what’s happening in the present leaves less room for criticism or judgment.
Retrain your brain. This can be hard to do. But see if you can start making a note of the admirable qualities of someone you frequently criticize. This activity can help “train” your brain to avoid criticism and focus on the positive.
Consider the “why.” If someone is doing something that’s angering you, consider the “why” behind their behavior before criticizing them. Sometimes, behavior that seems obnoxious or frustrating might be a mask for pain.
Clinician's take
One common emotional pattern I see in people who are quick to criticize is that they often feel unsure or anxious inside. Criticizing others can be a way to protect themselves from feeling vulnerable. Therapy can help you understand these feelings and build confidence in a kinder way.
Find care with Rula
Everyone has a judgmental thought once in a while. When someone annoys, disappoints, or betrays us, it can be easy to respond with criticism. Experts are yet to understand why some people are more critical than others. But there’s some evidence that it might be tied to genetics, our environment, and even how our brains are wired.
Fortunately, if you’re having difficulty with being overly critical, help is available. A therapist can help you get to the root of your judgmental thoughts, identify any underlying mental health concerns (if present), and help you cultivate more patience and compassion for yourself and others.
At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best.
Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we're here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.
