Exploring demisexuality: When building sexual attraction takes time

People who identify as demisexual require an emotional bond before they can experience sexual attraction. The nature of that bond and the time it takes to develop can vary from person to person. But if you’ve ever wondered, “Am I demisexual?” a demisexuality quiz can help you answer that question. 

How to use this quiz: Exploring your sexuality can help you deepen your self-awareness and build healthy, satisfying relationships. But as you review the information below, keep in mind that no quiz can definitively determine someone’s sexuality. You’re the expert on yourself, and your sexuality can evolve over time. The following quiz is a road map for self-reflection, not an official assessment.   

Take the demisexual quiz

Maybe you’ve read or heard about demisexuality and felt that the concept aligned with your personal experiences with sexual desire. If you experience sexual desire only after feeling emotionally close to someone, this quiz can help you explore your sexual identity.

For each question, answer with a yes, no, or maybe. Try not to overthink your answers, and just go with your initial reaction to the question. Remember, this test isn’t meant to label you or tell you exactly who you are. It’s just a tool to help you reflect and learn more about yourself. 

1. Have you experienced sexual attraction to someone before?

   • Yes

   • No

   • Maybe

2. Do you tend to feel sexual attraction only after first establishing a close emotional bond with a person?

   • Yes

   • No

   • Maybe

3. Can you identify people as conventionally attractive but not feel any personal attraction toward them?

   • Yes

   • No

   • Maybe

4. Do you tend to feel more attracted to a person’s thoughts, emotions, and personality than their physical appearance?

   • Yes

   • No

   • Maybe

5. Does the idea of a “hook up” or casual sex seem completely unappealing to you?

   • Yes

   • No

   • Maybe

6. Does the idea of sexual attraction to a stranger or new acquaintance seem almost impossible to you?

   • Yes

   • No

   • Maybe

7. Is it challenging for you to identify someone you might be attracted to based on looks alone?

   • Yes

   • No

   • Maybe

8. Do you tend to not have a physical “type” that you’re attracted to?

   • Yes

   • No

   • Maybe

Interpreting scores:

• Mostly yes = You may be demisexual.

• Mostly no = You might not be demisexual.

• Mostly maybe = You’re likely still exploring your sexual identity.

Quiz content written by Lolly Coleman, MS, LMFT.

What the results mean for your orientation

This demisexuality quiz is based on human sexuality research. It was created by a licensed therapist who has firsthand experience supporting LGBTQ+ people. Your score is designed to reflect how emotional and sexual intimacy intersect for you. Specifically, it can help uncover how much emotional closeness you require before you can experience sexual attraction. 

Like all sexualities, demisexuality exists on a spectrum. There’s no exact “amount” of pre-sex emotional intimacy needed for someone to be considered demisexual. You can use the results of this quiz to help you examine how you experience desire. These insights can help you better understand yourself and determine the types of connection that might be right for you.

Next steps for exploring demisexuality

Your sexuality can be an important part of who you are. Demisexual people can be attracted to people of all gender expressions and identities. But for them, sexual attraction is a byproduct of emotional connection, not the other way around. This is an important differentiator that can shape how a person approaches relationships. 

If, after taking this quiz, you want to keep exploring demisexuality, here are some things to reflect on:

• Which of your relationships have been most sexually fulfilling? 

• When have you experienced the strongest sexual desire? Who was it with, and what was your connection like?

• How much time does it typically take you to develop sexual desire for someone?

• Have you ever experienced mismatched sexual desire with a partner? Did you feel pressured to engage sexually before you were ready?  

• What makes you feel emotionally close to someone?

• How would you define emotional intimacy? What do you need to feel emotionally close and safe?

Remember, there’s no right or wrong way to answer any of these questions. If you feel unsure about your sexuality or are uncomfortable with labels, that’s OK. Demisexuality is becoming more well-known. But it’s still not as widely discussed or understood as other orientations that fall under the LGBTQ+ umbrella. 

If you need help exploring your identity, know that you’re not alone, and it’s OK to seek support. Affirming, inclusive therapists can provide a safe, supportive space to learn about demisexuality. These providers can help you examine your identity at your own pace and develop the satisfying sexual connections you deserve.

Clinician's take

If you're demisexual, you don’t feel sexual attraction at all until a strong emotional bond is formed. It’s not just about waiting or choosing to go slow. It's about when attraction actually happens, not how fast you act on it.

Brandy Chalmers, LPC

Clinical reviewer

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Demisexual people need an emotional bond before they can experience sexual desire. It’s more than just wanting to like or respect their sexual partners. They require emotional intimacy before they can become interested in sexual intimacy. 

If that description sounds like it might be a fit for you, taking a demisexuality quiz like the one in this article can help. While not an official assessment, it can provide some helpful insights about your sexuality. And if you need additional support, don’t hesitate to ask for help. There are LGBTQ+ friendly therapists who can provide a safe place to explore your sexuality.

At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best. 

Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we're here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.