What’s triggering your grief?

Grief can come in waves, and there’s no “correct” way to grieve. You might think you’ve moved on, only to be hit unexpectedly with intense emotions months or years after the initial loss. You might hear a song that reminds you of someone or something you’re grieving. Or perhaps you think about someone you’ve lost when it’s their birthday. These are called grief triggers, and they’re completely normal.

The goal isn’t to avoid grief triggers altogether, but to cope with them in self-compassionate ways. Therapy can also be key in navigating the grief journey, no matter where you’re at in the process.

Six potential triggers of grief

Grief can be triggered at any time — even years after your loss. Grief triggers can be unexpected. You might be totally fine one day, and then grieving the next. 

One study found that grief and grief triggers tend to occur in four broad stages:

• Feeling grief almost all of the time
• Frequently hit by intense grief triggers
• Reaching a balance between grief triggers and the rest of life
• Shifting to welcome triggers that keep the person’s memory alive

Grief triggers are also unique to each person, so it’s impossible to name them all. But six common triggers you might face include: 

1. Special days and anniversaries: You might feel particularly intense waves of grief when certain dates come around, like the anniversary of a loved one’s death. One study found that mothers who lost young children experience such intense grief on the anniversary of death that it affected their mortality risk.
2. The holidays: Many people experience more intense grief during the holidays. This time of year can bring up memories and make you feel alone.
3. Photos or objects: If you come across old photos or an object that belonged to your loved one, you might feel more grief than usual.
4. Media: You might see or read something that reminds you of the loss, which can bring on a wave of intense grief. For example, you might see a social media post about pet loss and suddenly remember your dog who passed away.
5. Certain sensory input: You might experience powerful sensory information, like certain smells, flavors, or sounds, that triggers old memories.
6. Songs: Music is a powerful trigger for many people. If you hear a song that was meaningful for you and your loved one, you might feel more grief than usual.

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What to do when your grief gets triggered

It’s completely normal to feel grief, even if the loss happened a long time ago. There’s no timeline to grieve, which means there’s no clear end to it. This can sometimes sound discouraging, but it’s also normal. There’s no right or wrong way to feel when you’re grieving. Grief isn’t so much about moving on from the loss as it is about moving forward alongside it.

The goal isn’t to try to avoid grief triggers altogether or to push them away when they come up. But if unexpected grief triggers are getting in the way of your day-to-day living, there are ways to deal with your grief in ways that both show self-compassion and honor your loss. 

Acknowledge it

When a grief trigger happens, acknowledge it. Denying or pushing it away may only make the painful emotions more powerful. When you’re feeling more grief than usual, name the emotion for what it is: grief.

If you can, try to identify why the emotions are more intense than usual. For example, did you come across an old photograph? Is today a wedding anniversary that you would’ve shared with a partner? Identifying and naming the trigger can go a long way.

Sit with it

Once you’ve named and accepted the grief trigger, resist the urge to distract yourself or push it away. It’s OK to distract yourself if it means functioning in day-to-day life. But if you can and if it feels right for you, try to take some time to sit with the emotion as well. If appropriate, find ways to honor the loss. Don’t judge yourself for feeling grief or sadness. It’s a valid and normal emotional experience. Practicing mindfulness can help with this.

Take time for self-care, if possible

When you experience a grief trigger, it’s important to practice self-care. You might choose to reach out to loved ones to talk about your grief and share memories. You can also get some extra rest, eat nourishing meals, and be gentle with your expectations of yourself. If you’re able to lighten your schedule or take some time off, that might help too.

Prepare for the future

Now that you’ve identified your grief triggers, you can work toward preparing yourself as much as possible for them in the future. This doesn’t mean avoiding them. Rather, it means understanding that you might feel triggered in certain moments, and you can prepare accordingly. For instance, you might plan to take time off to spend with loved ones on certain dates.

Exploring grief triggers in therapy

Grief is a normal experience that everyone will experience. It doesn’t necessarily require therapy. However, working with a therapist can help you navigate strong emotions and learn coping mechanisms that allow you to enjoy your day-to-day life. Therapy can be especially helpful if you’re experiencing complex grief, which is when grief is more painful or persistent than you might have expected.

Because it’s a universal human experience, most mental health therapists are well-versed in helping their clients work through grief and its triggers.

A grief counselor can help you:

• Understand what’s “normal” in the grieving process
• Make space for painful feelings without becoming overwhelmed
• Identify your most common grief triggers
• Explore how your grief is affecting your relationships or functioning
• Create personalized rituals or practices to honor your loved one
• Find ways to continue the bond while still moving forward with your life

Many people also find group therapy or support groups helpful for them when they’re going through grief. However, it’s up to you to choose the path that works best for you, whether it’s going to therapy, joining a support group, relying on friends and family, or a combination of all the above.

Find care with Rula

You can’t stop the waves of grief, but you can learn to ride them with more support and self-compassion. Triggers are a reminder of what or who you’ve lost, and they deserve to be honored.

At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best.

Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we’re here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.

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