Being hard on yourself is normal and can be healthy within limits. But if it goes too far, it can have negative mental health consequences.
Negative self-talk might be a sign of low self-esteem or a difficult childhood, and it can be associated with certain mental health conditions.
If you’re hard on yourself, know you’re not alone. Therapy can help you change these thoughts and replace them with healthy ones.
Most people have an inner self-critic. It’s normal to wonder how you can do better — whether it’s in work, relationships, or your day-to-day life.
But there’s a thin line between healthy self-reflection and negative self-talk. Your inner voice might be overly harsh, telling you you’re never good enough. This might make you wonder why you’re so hard on yourself.
If you’re caught in a negative thought spiral, it can be hard to break this cycle. But therapy can help. Therapy can help you recognize when you’re being too hard on yourself, the underlying reasons for these thought patterns, and introduce some self-compassion.
Signs you’re being too hard on yourself
What does it actually mean to be hard on yourself? Certain thought patterns, like not being able to recognize your positive traits or seeing things in black and white, might signal you’re being too hard on yourself.
Other signs include:
Your thoughts sound like, “I always screw up,” or, “I’m a failure.”
Current and past letdowns or failures play like a loop in your mind.
You struggle or are unable to be self-compassionate, like pushing yourself to work harder or more when you’re exhausted.
You regularly feel guilty if you need to take a break from work or personal obligations.
You feel like there’s something inherently wrong with you.
You regularly invalidate your feelings.
You regularly experience self-loathing.
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A deeper reason for why you’re so hard on yourself
Usually, an underlying reason can explain why you’re so hard on yourself. You probably adopted this behavior from somewhere, whether it’s your upbringing or due to an underlying mental health condition. It can be helpful to understand the reason behind your negative self-talk so you can learn to be gentler on yourself.
These reasons might explain your harsh inner critic:
Adverse or challenging childhood
If your parents or caregivers were hard on themselves or critical of you, it may have influenced this thinking. Learning this behavior at a young age might teach you that you’re only worthy if you meet high expectations.
Perfectionism
Having perfectionistic tendencies might make you hard on yourself. You might hold yourself to a high — even unrealistic — standard. This can take a toll, increasing your risk for certain mental health conditions and increasing stress.
Social media
Social media can make it easy for you to compare yourself to others. It might make you feel like you’re not good enough. But remember that people often post their highlight reels and not their failures. It’s not always a realistic representation of what someone is going through.
Trauma
Trauma can instill low self-esteem or introduce changes to your brain that make you regularly blame yourself. For example, you may have been bullied, experienced abuse or neglect as a child, or experienced sexual abuse. It’s important to remember that what happened to you isn’t your fault, and support is available.
Mental health conditions
While being hard on yourself isn’t a mental health condition, it can be a sign of one. It might signal depression or anxiety. An overly harsh inner critic can also contribute to conditions like eating disorders and substance use disorders (SUDs).
You might be hard on yourself for a variety of reasons. But it’s possible to quiet this harsh inner voice. With the support of a therapist, you can start to replace the endless criticism with kinder and more productive thoughts.
How to let go of your inner critic
Replacing your harsh inner critic with a gentler voice can take time. You might have gotten familiar — or even comfortable — with intense self-critique. You might not even be totally aware when you’re being too hard on yourself.
It might not be possible to completely eliminate negative thoughts. But over time, you can start to quiet the inner critic that tells you you’re “not good enough.” With practice and awareness, you might notice this voice gets quieter.
Experiment with the following to transform negative thinking patterns into more positive ones:
Identify triggers of negative self-talk. Are there situations or people that activate your harsh inner voice? Once you understand what your triggers are, it’s easier to make a plan for when they show up in your life. For example, if you notice that scrolling on social media makes you harder on yourself, you can decide to block certain accounts or set limits around social media.
Combat or reframe your thoughts. Thoughts are powerful and often dictate our feelings and behaviors. But it’s possible to adjust your thoughts so you have more control over them — not the other way around. For instance, instead of thinking, “I’m a failure,” you might think, “I did not meet my goal, but I can try again.” You can also question your thoughts, asking yourself, “What evidence do I have that this thought is true?” or, “Is this really as much of a disaster as I think it is?”
Build self-esteem. Write down characteristics you like about yourself and past and current accomplishments (even seemingly small wins). Turning toward people who know you best can also help. Though your inner critic may not always respond to outside validation, sometimes being reminded why people love you for you can make a difference.
Try therapy or psychiatry. Professional help can be a powerful buffer against negative self-talk. Cognitive behavioral therapy can help you build more awareness around your thoughts and learn how to reframe them. A therapist can also support you in exploring why you’re too hard on yourself in the first place.
It’s OK if you still have moments in which you’re harsh to yourself, even if you’ve made steps to quiet your inner critic. After being hard on yourself, practicing self-compassion can go a long way. Remind yourself that adjusting habits and thought patterns can take time. It might be helpful to reflect on the progress you’ve made.
Begin to see mistakes as feedback, not proof of failure. When you view missteps as information for growth rather than a verdict on your worth, self-criticism loses its grip.
Ashley Ayala, LMFT
Clinical reviewer
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Being critical of yourself is normal from time to time and can even help you grow. But if you’re constantly cycling through cruel thoughts, it might mean you’re being too hard on yourself. Constant critique and negative thought patterns can increase your risk for mental health conditions. Therapy can help you replace these thoughts with more positive, helpful ones.
At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best.
Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we're here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.
Siobhan Neela-Stock
Siobhan Neela-Stock is a writer and journalist who focuses on health, particularly mental health. She earned her master's in journalism from Northwestern University in 2018 and worked at Mashable for over two years where she focused on social good reporting.
Her writing has appeared in the New York Times, SELF, Fortune, Verywell Health, among other publications. Neela-Stock also teaches writing and journalism at several universities.
She enjoys traveling, dancing, playing dodgeball, and spending time with her loved ones.
Ashley Ayala, LMFT
Ashley is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in generational healing and family dynamics. Ashley has worked in schools, clinics, and in private practice. She believes that people’s relationships, including our relationship with ourselves, greatly shape our experiences in life.
Ashley is committed to empowering others to show up authentically and deepen their self understanding. This passion stems from taking a critical lens on her own life story and doing inner healing. One of her favorite quotes is “Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.”
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Rula's editorial team is on a mission to make science-backed mental health insights accessible and practical for every person seeking to better understand or improve mental wellness.
Members of Rula’s clinical leadership team and other expert providers contribute to all published content, offering guidance on themes and insights based on their firsthand experience in the field. Every piece of content is thoroughly reviewed by a clinician before publishing.
