Navigating interpersonal conflict with care

From dating to friendship and work, interpersonal conflict can show up in every area of life. Some people are more averse to conflict, while others might find themselves involved in disagreements more often because of personality differences or communication styles.

Conflict doesn’t need to be a scary thing. Understanding interpersonal conflict and how it shows up can help you find resolution and move forward in healthier ways.

Types of interpersonal conflict

Many people have tried to categorize interpersonal conflicts, but there are no officially recognized “types” of interpersonal conflict. Some researchers have come up with some general types of interpersonal conflict, especially within organizations. 

Some of these types include:

Affective conflict

When heightened emotions are at the root of the issue, affective conflict may arise. It comes with personal attacks, anger, and frustration. It focuses on who’s to blame rather than the issue at hand. 

What it looks like: A couple’s fights often escalate into personal jabs, like, “You always act like I’m the problem but you never want to do anything. You are impossible to please.” These arguments often feel personal and identity threatening. The first partner ends up feeling ignored, while the second feels attacked. 

Substantive conflict

This conflict revolves around a task or the content of something. Substantive conflict shows up in organizations when two people don’t agree about how something should be done.

What it looks like: Two coworkers disagree about which project should be prioritized because they have opposing ideas about what’s most important for the company. It ends up in more stress and less collaboration. 

Conflict of values

When people have different values or ideologies, a conflict of values might happen. This type of conflict can often occur with religious or political discussions.

What it looks like: Two friends disagree about political issues that reflect deeply held personal beliefs. It creates tension in their friendship. They get into heated discussions that leave both feeling upset. 

Retributive conflict

This is when conflict gets drawn out because one person simply wants to punish the other. It isn’t necessarily about the content of the conflict itself but about the anger and desire for retribution.

What it looks like: After an argument, one partner ignores the other for days just to make them “pay” for what happened.

Common causes of interpersonal conflict

Many causes can lead to interpersonal conflict, ranging from minor annoyances to major disagreements about fundamental values. Often, interpersonal conflict arises because of a difference in values or opinions. For example:

• One friend believes in being direct, while the other thinks honesty should always be gentle.

• A couple has different ideas about money, like whether to save or spend.

• Family members have different expectations about boundaries and personal space.

Other times, people may not agree on something practical, like how to solve a specific problem. For example:

• Two coworkers can’t agree on how to delegate tasks for a shared project.

• Roommates disagree about how to keep their space clean.

• A couple argues about how to divide household chores or plan their schedules.

People can also get into interpersonal conflict because their communication styles don’t align. For instance, if one person tends to be more indirect or passive aggressive, someone who’s more direct may become frustrated.

Sometimes, conflict arises because of relationship burnout. You might not be fighting about anything specifically but because you’re annoyed and burnt out with each other on a fundamental level.

Why conflict isn’t always a bad thing

The first two fundamental characteristics of conflict are:

1. Conflict is inevitable.

2. Conflict is neither good nor bad.

There’s no world in which interpersonal conflict doesn’t exist. No matter how much we love someone, we’re bound to encounter differences. And sometimes these can lead to conflict. 

Conflict doesn’t need to mean arguing or fighting. It just means that you don’t agree on something, whether it’s minor or major. For many people, conflict can bring up uncomfortable emotions.

But conflict, in and of itself, isn’t positive or negative. It’s simply a sign that two people see or experience something differently. Conflict can even strengthen relationships when managed healthily, as it can serve to create deeper understanding and more honest communication.

On the other hand, conflict can be damaging when it’s constant, abusive*, or doesn’t ever lead to a resolution. With frequent conflict, couples begin to report less satisfaction and more depressive symptoms. Further, when arguments occur and no resolution is made, couples often feel resentment. This disconnection builds because the same problem continues to occur without repair. 

*A note to the reader: If you feel unsafe in your relationship for any reason, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline by dialing 800-799-7233 for confidential support.

Healthy ways to resolve interpersonal conflict

Interpersonal conflict doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed. You can learn to approach it in a healthy and respectful way. It can even lead to more honesty and a deeper bond. 

Next time you experience interpersonal conflict, consider these tips: 

Respect everyone’s needs

Try not to think in terms of “right” or “wrong,” and understand that every person has needs. These needs may explain their perspective. 

And even if you don’t agree with their opinion, you can start by respecting those needs. For example, you may not understand why your friend cancels plans, but you can recognize that they might need more downtime than you do.

Communicate in concrete terms

Conflicts can become neverending, circular arguments if you don’t express yourself in concrete terms. Avoid being passive-aggressive or leaving things unsaid. Be clear about your stance, your feelings, and what you’d like to do moving forward.

• In a relationship conflict, you might say something like: “When you interrupt me, I feel unheard. Can we both take turns finishing our thoughts?”

• In an interpersonal conflict at work, you might say: “I think we’re approaching this project from different angles. Can we set clear expectations about our roles?”

Acknowledge the other person’s feelings

Emotions play a big role in interpersonal conflict. During a conflict, you might notice some strong feelings come up within yourself and in the other person. As much as you can, try to simply acknowledge the others’ emotions without judging or criticizing them.

This can be the difference between saying, “You’re angry? You think you have a right to be angry?” and simply acknowledging, with, “I hear that you’re angry.”

Brainstorm solutions together

Resolving conflict is often about compromise — brainstorming together to reach a mutual solution. It’s not always about meeting in the middle. It might be about agreeing to try one person’s idea because, after talking, you decide it’s the most reasonable. Or it could be about finding a creative third option that neither of you had considered. 

The important thing is to not get stuck on who’s “right.” The goal is to work as a team to find a solution, whatever that might look like.

Clinician’s take

When people reframe conflict as an opportunity to understand each other, it softens defensiveness. Instead of viewing a partner’s differing opinion as a threat to your relationship, you can look at it as an opportunity to learn more about them. This mindset turns conflict from a threat into a chance for connection and repair.

Ashley Ayala, LMFT

Clinical reviewer