Key Takeaways
Limerence involves intense, ongoing romantic longing. It’s often one-sided and can occur with someone you don’t know.
Unlike having a crush or falling in love, limerence can cause intense distress and is difficult to control. It can harm your well-being, relationships, and ability to function.
Self-compassion, meditation, and learning to see romantic fantasies more realistically can help you overcome limerence. But if you need additional support, working with a therapist can help.
There’s nothing wrong with embracing that initial spark and enjoying the fun and excitement of a new romantic relationship. But if you find yourself having obsessive, one-sided feelings toward another person, you might be experiencing something called limerence.
Limerence is an uncontrolled and involuntary desire for another person that’s typically unreciprocated. While not an official diagnosis, limerence can negatively affect a person’s mental health and ability to function. Learning more about this phenomenon can help you better understand your relationship patterns and know when to ask for help.
Signs and symptoms of limerence
Most people know what it feels like to have a crush. In the early stages of romantic interest, you might idealize the object of your affection. They may seem almost flawless in your eyes, as if they’re your perfect match. Similarly, you might be familiar with the concept of the “honeymoon phase” in relationships.
New love can be exciting and emotionally intoxicating, creating a swirl of positive feelings. For a brief time, you may feel almost obsessed with your new partner. You might find yourself texting or calling them frequently and wanting to spend much of your free time together.
As the new relationship evolves and time goes by, the intensity of these feelings will typically begin to subside. But that’s not the case with limerence.
Here’s what sets limerence apart from having a crush or being in love:
It’s involuntary and unpleasant. People in a state of limerence may say it feels almost like an addiction or obsession. They may not want to have these feelings, but they can’t control them.
It can happen with someone you don’t know. A person’s limerent object (LO) typically isn’t a romantic partner. For example, an LO can be someone they follow on social media, who works at the coffee shop they frequent, or a celebrity.
It’s typically not reciprocated. For the most part, limerence is one-sided. LOs don’t usually feel the same way about the person who’s obsessed with them. They may or may not be aware of the other person’s existence or feelings.
It can last a long time. Despite being distressing, one-sided, and difficult to control, limerence can linger. Psychologist Dr. Dorothy Tennov, a leading expert on the topic, says that it usually lasts between 18 months and 3 years.
Different stages of limerence
No two experiences of limerence will be exactly alike. But researchers have discovered that, for most people, it happens in three distinct stages.
Infatuation: This is the beginning stage in which you begin obsessing over your LO. You might begin having complex fantasies about being with that person. These thoughts can start to feel intrusive and difficult to control.
Crystallization: During this stage, the infatuation, fueled by uncertainty, deepens. You start to see your LO as perfect and may begin spending large amounts of time thinking about them, often to your own detriment.
Deterioration: This is when limerence starts to fade. It might happen because the LO rejects you or starts a relationship with someone else. Or maybe something else happens that jolts you back into reality. This phase can create a mix of emotions, from relief to despair.
What causes limerence?
We don’t know exactly what causes limerence. But there’s evidence to suggest that it might be tied to a person’s attachment style. People who experience insecure or anxious attachment often had caregivers who were inconsistent or emotionally unavailable during childhood. Unfortunately, this can make it hard to form healthy bonds or attachments with people in adulthood.
In some instances, a person may use limerence as a way to feel connected or worthy of love. This might result from traumatic experiences or low self-esteem. Social media may also play a role in the onset of limerence. When you follow someone online, you get a window into their world that can create a false sense of intimacy.
On its own, limerence isn’t a mental health condition. But if it’s lasted a long time and is harming your well-being, don’t hesitate to ask for help.
Limerence can sometimes be a sign of an underlying mental health condition, like:
The problem with limerence
At first, romantic infatuation can feel great. But when it escalates into limerence, you might:
Have trouble taking care of yourself or attending to responsibilities at home, work, or school
Stop hanging out with friends because you’re spending most of your time fixating on your LO
Do or say things that you later come to regret (like constantly commenting on your LO’s social media or showing up at their workplace unannounced)
Feel like you only get to be happy or excited if your LO notices you or interacts with you
Miss out on dating opportunities with someone who may return your affection
What you can do about limerence
If you think you might be experiencing limerence, you’re not alone. It’s something that many people experience, and there are things you can do to loosen its grip.
You can start by:
Cultivating self-compassion: Think about the activities that bring you the most joy. How can you make more time for them? Showing yourself compassion by doing things you love can help decenter your LO from your life.
Trying meditation: Research shows that meditation can help calm the areas of the brain that control worry and longing. If you’re new to meditation, give this loving kindness practice a try.
Challenging the fantasy: Limerence can make it seem like your LO is without flaws. But objectively, that can’t be true. They’re human, after all. Writing a list of your LO’s shortcomings can help you see them more clearly.
Labeling it: When you notice yourself idealizing your LO, call it what it is without judging yourself. Saying something to yourself like, “Oh, there’s that limerence showing up again,” can make you feel more in control of your thoughts and feelings.
Asking for help: A therapist can help you uncover the source of your intense longing, interrupt and challenge obsessive thoughts, and develop a more secure sense of attachment to yourself and others.
Clinician's take
Understanding your attachment patterns can help you see that limerence isn’t just about the other person. Rather, it’s often about old emotional needs replaying themselves. When you recognize how early experiences shape your craving for connection or validation, you can start responding with awareness instead of instinct.
Find care with Rula
Limerence is an obsessive romantic longing that’s often one-sided and difficult to control. Unlike a crush or infatuation, limerence can lead to emotional distress and intrusive thoughts. It can cause a person to spend hours a day fixating on their LO. In some cases, it can last a long time and lead people to do or say things they later regret.
Although limerence isn’t a mental health condition, it can negatively affect your well-being, relationships, and ability to function. Therapy can provide a safe space to explore your emotional needs, identify unhelpful patterns, and help you form the healthy, reciprocal relationships you deserve.
At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best.
Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 21,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we’re here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.
