Could a ‘monogamish’ relationship be right for you?

The term “monogamish” was first coined by sex advice columnist and podcast host Dan Savage. It’s usually used to describe a relationship that’s mostly, but not exclusively, monogamous. 

Being monogamish means that one or both partners can engage sexually or romantically with others. However, there might be some specific ground rules in these situations. Some couples might consider themselves monogamish if they attend swinger events, have occasional hookups, or live with each other while having other partners who reside elsewhere. 

Being monogamish can mean different things to different people. You might want to consider it if you’re drawn to some aspects of traditional monogamy but want to keep exploring. Just remember, no matter how you define your relationship, what’s most important is finding what works for you. 

What “monogamish” means for your relationship

Exploring ethical nonmonogamy can feel overwhelming at first because there are many different relationship styles to consider. One option is being monogamish, which describes relationships that are mostly — but not entirely — monogamous.

Being monogamish doesn’t mean you think there’s anything wrong with monogamy. After all, many people are in healthy, happy monogamous partnerships. But some couples find that a bit more flexibility works better for them — like the occasional hookup or attending a swinger event together.

Monogamish relationships differ from fully open relationships, where partners often have more frequent or independent sexual or romantic connections with others. They also differ from polyamory, which typically involves forming multiple committed relationships at once. Monogamish couples may prioritize their primary partnership while occasionally exploring outside experiences — often with shared agreements in place.

Like any relationship style, being monogamish is about clear communication, mutual consent, and finding what works best for you and your partner.

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Why some couples choose monogamish relationships

There are many reasons why some couples choose to be monogamish. Here are a few examples to consider:

• You want a loving, committed relationship. But you don’t want to miss out on opportunities for new experiences. Also, you may not believe that any one person can (or should) fully meet another person’s needs.
• You and your partner have different libidos and/or sexual interests. Everything else about your dynamic is wonderful. Being monogamish could be a way to stay committed while also fulfilling your sexual needs.
• You’re in a long-distance relationship. So you can’t physically be with your partner very often. A monogamish relationship could be a way to feel connected and satisfied while you’re away from your partner.
• You and your partner have been together for many years. Your relationship started when you were both very young, so you didn’t get a chance to explore different sexual experiences. Now that you have a strong foundation, it feels safe to explore and experiment.
• Your partner is navigating a serious illness. And maybe it’s taken a toll on your sexual connection. In some cases, couples choose to explore nonmonogamy as a way to meet certain needs while maintaining their emotional bond. 

Potential challenges in monogamish relationships

Being in a monogamish relationship can be a healthy, fulfilling experience. But it isn’t without its challenges. Here are a few things to keep in mind and ways to increase your chances of having a successful monogamous relationship:

• Don’t use it as a fix-all. If you’re struggling to feel connected or are arguing constantly, being monogamish isn’t a quick fix. It’s also not a good way to “spice things up” if you and your partner have underlying issues you haven’t addressed. This approach could backfire and potentially make your challenges worse.
• Remember that communication is key. Being ethically nonmonogamous requires intentional and ongoing communication. If you’re interested in exploring this option, be prepared to talk about it frequently. It isn’t something you can discuss once. Try to have regular check-ins about how things are going.
• Expect some jealousy. Like most ethically nonmonogamous relationship styles, you’ll likely experience jealousy while being monogamish. Like other natural human emotions, this is something you can work through with the right support — like personal reflection or guidance from a mental health professional. Feeling jealous sometimes doesn’t mean you can’t be monogamish. 
• Define your own rules. What works for one mongamish couple won’t necessarily work for you. So it’s up to you and your partner(s) to decide what you need to feel safe and fulfilled in your dynamic. This requires self-awareness and the ability to be upfront about your boundaries. It also requires flexibility as things evolve. You may need to revisit your relationship guidelines as time goes on.
• Navigate stigma together. Despite growing awareness, stigma around nonmonogamy persists. So, if you choose this path, be prepared to face some social friction. You’ll need to decide together what you feel comfortable telling other people. Depending on your community and network, being monogamish might be something you share on a “need-to-know” basis.

Navigating a monogamish relationship together

If you’re interested in exploring nonmonogamy, the first step is to reflect. Consider why you’re interested in this type of relationship. What do you hope it will mean for you? For your partner? Once you’re clear on that, pick a time to bring it up with your partner.

Try to approach this conversation with curiosity. Talk to your partner about what you’ve learned, and give them space to react. If this is the first time you’re discussing being monogamish, be patient. It may take a few more conversations to determine whether this is the right path for you both. 

If you decide to move forward, take things slowly. Try to be proactive in setting boundaries and guidelines. It may also be helpful to discuss what might happen if things don’t go as planned. 

Some questions to consider include:

• Do you have the capacity to explore other relationships at this time?
• What will you do when jealousy comes up? How will you give and receive support?
• How can you ensure that you both feel prioritized? 
• What happens if someone doesn’t adhere to the agreed-upon boundaries? 
• What if someone decides they want to stop being monogamish?
• Do you want to know the details of your partner’s other relationships? Or do you want more of a “don’t-ask, don’t-tell” approach?

Ethical nonmonogamy, like all relationships, can be challenging. But fortunately, you don’t have to navigate this experience alone. A therapist who specializes in supporting people in nonmonogamous relationships can help. These inclusive providers welcome all relationship structures and dynamics. They also understand the unique joys and complexities of being monogamish. To find one, look for a couples therapist who works with people in open, polyamorous, or nontraditional relationships.

Find care with Rula

Monogamish relationships are a form of ethical nonmonogamy. They usually involve some elements of traditional monogamy (like living together). But they allow for one or both partners to have outside sexual or romantic experiences. While it isn’t right for everyone, being monogamish can be a healthy, fulfilling option. And if you need help navigating this experience, don’t hesitate to seek professional help. A therapist who specializes in ethical nonmonogamy can offer guidance and support as you explore being monogamish.

At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best. 

Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we’re here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.

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