What’s at the root of your need to say sorry so often?

Apologies are an important part of healthy relationships and communication. When you’ve done something wrong or hurt someone, it's natural and appropriate to say you’re sorry. But some people tend to over-apologize. This might lead you to wonder why you’re saying sorry so much, even when you don’t really have anything to apologize for.

Saying you’re sorry can hold different meanings for different cultures and societies. But if you feel like your habit of over-apologizing comes from low self-esteem and insecurity, there are steps you can take to stop.

What it means to over-apologize

Apologizing isn’t a negative behavior. And saying you’re sorry for making a mistake — whether the mistake was intentional or not — can be an important part of conflict resolution. But if you frequently take the blame for situations that aren’t your fault, you could be over-apologizing.

Over-apologizing can look like:

• Defaulting to taking the blame for anything that goes wrong

• Saying you’re sorry even when you don’t feel remorse

• Apologizing for things outside your control

• Using “sorry” as a filler word in everyday conversation

• Saying sorry repeatedly in the same interaction, even after your apology has been accepted

Keep in mind that over-apologizing means you say sorry even when it’s not culturally or societally expected of you. So it’s important to think about context when you consider whether you say sorry too much. What looks like “too much” for one culture might be completely appropriate for another.

For example, one research paper mentions that a Japanese car company offered several public apologies for a recall. Similar recalls in the U.S. came with no apologies at all. Another study shows that, in East Asian cultures, apologies serve as a way to maintain social harmony. They don’t necessarily assign personal blame to one person.

So people from cultures who apologize more may be told they’re “over-apologizing." But, in reality, they may actually be behaving in a culturally appropriate way.

The psychology behind the urge to say sorry

Saying you’re sorry can often be a positive behavior, especially when you’ve done something you feel bad about. Apologizing isn’t a sign of weakness, and it can be an important way to maintain positive relationships when hurt has been caused. But it’s important to consider the underlying reasons for your apologies, especially if you feel like you may be saying sorry too much. 

Aside from cultural differences, reasons why you may have the urge to constantly apologize include:

• Gender differences: Research shows that women tend to apologize much more than men. They also tend to self-report as committing more offenses, while men report committing fewer. Although we need more research to know exactly why this is the case, it likely has to do with the discrimination and societal expectations that women face.

• Self-esteem issues: Some people may over-apologize due to low self-esteem. You might genuinely feel that everything is your fault or automatically assume you must be wrong. 

• Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD): People with OCD may feel a strong compulsion to apologize repeatedly, even if they know it isn’t necessary. This can be part of trying to relieve obsessive guilt or anxiety.

• Social anxiety disorder (SAD): If you live with social anxiety disorder, you may feel constantly worried about how people are perceiving and judging you. You might over-apologize as a way to avoid potential embarrassment or humiliation.

• Depression: Depression can cause feelings of worthlessness and guilt. So, if you have depression, you might apologize because you feel like a burden or believe you’re always doing something wrong.

• Learned behavior and trauma: Lastly, you may have learned to apologize as a survival tactic. If you’re a survivor of abuse, apologizing for “mistakes,” even if you knew you weren’t to blame, may have kept you safe. You may have continued this behavior even after getting out of the situation.

How to stop constantly apologizing

Some people apologize more than others as a way to maintain relationships. If it doesn’t impact you negatively, it’s not inherently a “bad” behavior. But if over-apologizing is impacting your self-esteem, relationships, or confidence, there are some ways you can stop and regain your power.

Figure out the root cause

First, try to figure out the root cause of your apologizing — both as a habit and in each instance. For example, you might reflect back on how your childhood experiences have led you to become an over-apologizer in adulthood. But you might also notice how anxious and uncomfortable you feel in situations that make you want to apologize.

Noticing what’s causing you to over-apologize is the first step to changing the behavior.

Practice mindfulness

When you build a mindfulness practice, you learn to slow down and pause before reacting. This can help you stop over-apologizing because you’re better set up to notice what’s triggering you. For example, when someone’s angry with you, your instinct might be to apologize. But, with mindfulness, you might notice your feelings of anxiety and also see that you aren’t to blame.

You can build a mindfulness practice through meditation and also through everyday tasks like eating and walking. With enough practice, you may notice that the benefits start to carry over to other situations.

Explore what you want apologies to mean

Apologies play an important role in social relationships. But if you’re constantly apologizing for everything — even when you don’t actually feel sorry — apologies can start to lose their meaning. So it might help to try to narrow down exactly what you want your apologies to stand for.

For example, are apologies a way to take accountability when you’ve hurt someone, whether intentionally or not? Are they a tool you use to smooth things over and maintain positive relationships? Are they something you only offer when you’ve truly done something wrong? 

It might also help to think about when you expect someone to apologize to you. Once you understand what apologizing means to you, you can use it more intentionally.

Get support from a therapist

Working with a therapist to reduce over-apologizing can be helpful. It’s especially important to work with a therapist if over-apologizing is linked to a mental health condition or past trauma. A therapist can help you identify underlying beliefs and practice healthier ways of expressing yourself in relationships.

If over-apologizing is linked with a mental health condition, medication can also help. You may choose to reach out to a psychiatric provider to see if medication is the right option for you.

Clinician's take

Replacing automatic apologies can be a simple place to start. For example, instead of apologizing if you don't immediately know the answer to something, you can say, ‘Thank you for your patience while I formulate a response.’ This communicates respect without self-blame and builds a more confident, balanced interaction.

Ashley Ayala, LMFT

Clinical reviewer

Find care with Rula

Over-apologizing can happen for many reasons, including cultural differences, mental health conditions, or learned behavior from your past. By understanding where the urge comes from and practicing more intentional ways of responding, you can rebuild confidence in your relationships. If you feel like your need to say sorry is linked to deeper concerns with anxiety, depression, or trauma, mental health treatment can make a difference.

At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best. 

Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we're here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.