Rekindling love after relationship burnout

It’s easy to be excited about a relationship when it’s new. But as the years go on, many couples find themselves feeling less interested. You might feel disillusioned by the relationship or disappointed by your partner. You might experience physical or emotional exhaustion. These are all signs of relationship burnout. It’s a common experience for many people. 

Relationship burnout can lead to long-term dissatisfaction and even divorce. But if you’re feeling this way, it doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed. Couples therapy can help you and your partner strengthen communication and restore intimacy.

Signs of potential relationship burnout

Burnout in a relationship often feels similar to how it feels in other areas of life. When you’re burnt out, you’re not only unhappy — you’re detached. You might feel totally “checked out” of the relationship already. Relationship burnout can sometimes feel like “falling out of love.” 

The Couples Burnout Measure (CBM, also known as the Pines marital burnout scale) is a questionnaire that measures the level of burnout that couples face. 

According to this scale, some major signs of relationship burnout include:

• Somatic or physical burnout signs:

  • Being physically exhausted

  • Feeling wiped out or run down

  • Feeling weak

• Emotional burnout signs:

  • Feeling depressed or anxious about the relationship

  • Being emotionally exhausted

  • Feeling worthless or that your partner doesn’t value you

  • Hopelessness about the future of the relationship

• Psychological burnout signs:

  • Feeling unhappy in the relationship

  • Feeling trapped in the relationship

  • Feeling disappointed or disillusioned by your partner

  • Having resentment toward your partner

  • Feeling rejected by your partner

Unseen causes of emotional exhaustion

Any couple can experience relationship burnout. And many couples find a way to rekindle their spark. However, research has found certain factors may increase the risk for relationship burnout. 

These include:

• Being a cisgender woman in a heterosexual marriage: Studies repeatedly show that, in heterosexual relationships, cisgender women are much more likely to experience burnout than their male spouses. Most divorces are initiated by women. 

• Being in a mandatory marriage: People, especially women, who are in mandatory marriages or arranged marriages are more likely to experience burnout. 

• Failing to communicate well: Couples who don’t communicate well are more likely to burn out. Challenges with communicating your feelings and needs clearly, difficulty working together to problem solve, and lack of repair after a conflict are all factors that increase burnout.  

• Having five or more children: Marriage satisfaction tends to decrease as the number of children you have rises. One review found that couples who had five or more children were significantly more likely to experience burnout than couples with no children.

• Lacking emotional support: Social support between the couple is one of the factors that’s most highly linked with marital burnout. Couples who support one another — including both emotionally as well as with household responsibilities — are much less likely to burn out. 

• Not trusting your partner: Trust isn’t just about fidelity. It’s about trusting that your partner will be there to support you through difficult times, that they’ll follow through on what they say, and you can rely on them consistently. When this basic trust is absent, you’re more likely to experience burnout in your relationship.

• Self-sabotaging: It’s possible that relationship burnout could be a sign of underlying relationship self-sabotage. Maybe nothing is necessarily “wrong” with your relationship, but a fear of intimacy is causing you to draw away.

What happens as your connection unravels 

Relationship burnout is highly linked with unhappiness and dissatisfaction within the relationship. The signs may be subtle at first — skipping date night or not feeling like you’re connecting — but could lead to more serious issues or even the end of the relationship.  

Watch out for these indicators of relationship burnout:

• Increased conflict or instability 

• Apathy toward the relationship

• Emotional distance between you and your partner 

• A sense of resentment 

• Feeling like you’re trapped in the relationship 

• Loss of sexual attraction 

• Increased depression or anxiety 

If you’re experiencing relationship burnout, it might be hard to know how to move forward. This might be a valuable moment for reflection. 

You might ask yourself if you want to put the effort into repairing the relationship or meet with a couples counselor to address issues together. In some situations, relationship burnout can lead to a breakup or divorce. These prompts can help you explore what you need and want out of your relationship and what steps are right for you. 

Restoring joy in your relationship, together

The good news is that relationship burnout can be addressed if you both want to work on repairing your connection. Studies have found that communication skills training and couples therapy can help reduce burnout for married couples.

Explore these suggestions: 

Improve communication

Communication skills training has been shown to reduce relationship burnout and make you feel committed to each other again. It’s important for both partners to learn healthy communication skills. This can help you resolve conflict, express your needs, and prevent resentment from building up.

You can work on strengthening your communication skills yourselves, but it can help to work with a professional. You might attend a communication workshop or work with a therapist.

Address unhealthy beliefs

Research shows that having unreasonable expectations can contribute to relationship burnout. 

For example, you might fall into the trap of “mind-reading,” in which you expect your partner to know how you feel without telling them. Or you might have perfectionistic expectations about what healthy relationships should look like.

Continually, if one partner believes that their partner cannot change and that the arguments are destructive, burnout and divorce rates are higher.  

By addressing these underlying beliefs — whether on your own or with the support of a therapist — you can start to challenge them.

Get on the same team

It’s easy to slip into a cycle of blame and resentment when you’re burnt out. Instead of seeing your partner as the enemy, try to think of yourselves as teammates who are tackling the problem together. This means supporting each other emotionally, sharing responsibilities, and reminding yourselves that you both want the relationship to succeed.

Go to couples therapy

Couples therapy can address relationship burnout by helping you communicate better, recognize patterns in the relationship that aren’t working, process emotions, and improve your coping skills. It can be helpful to see a therapist when you first notice the initial signs of burnout. You don’t need to wait for a crisis to get support.

A couples therapist can also help you have important conversations about when to end the relationship. If that’s what’s best for you, therapy provides a safe space to process those decisions together.

Clinician's take

Burnout can wear down a person’s sense of self. Instead of only feeling strain in the partnership, they may begin to doubt their own worth or question their ability to be loved. Over time, this can quietly erode confidence and self-trust in other areas of life as well.

Ashley Ayala, LMFT

Clinical reviewer

Find care with Rula

You might experience relationship burnout for a variety of reasons. But it doesn’t need to mean that a divorce or breakup is on the horizon. It means that something needs to be addressed. With some self-reflection, open communication and, often, professional guidance, many couples find their way back to connection and joy.

At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best. 

Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we're here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.