What it means to abandon yourself

There are times in life when putting others first is important. But there’s a difference between individual acts of kindness and chronic self-abandonment. Self-abandonment occurs when a person consistently deprioritizes their needs, preferences, and values. Also referred to as self-betrayal, self-abandonment is known to involve suppressing feelings, people pleasing, or acting in ways that don’t align with one’s authentic self. 

Struggling with self-abandonment doesn’t necessarily mean you have a mental health condition. But over time, it can take a toll on your mental health, relationships, and quality of life. Learning more about self-abandonment can help you identify and respond to it and know when you may need to ask for help. 

Subtle signs of self-abandonment

On the surface, self-abandonment can sometimes be hard to detect. After all, some of the people we admire most are known for their generous spirit and willingness to help others. But selflessness and self-abandonment aren’t the same. 

Here are some examples of subtle signs of self-abandonment to help you better understand the concept:

• At work: After receiving an award for meeting a major milestone for your company, your boss organizes a gathering with your colleagues to celebrate your accomplishment. In response, you ask your boss to cancel the celebration. When she asks why, you tell her you didn’t deserve the award in the first place and that you were just doing your job. You say that the recognition should really go to her, even though she wasn’t involved in the project.
• With friends: You and your friends go to the movies about once per month. Most of them are big fans of horror, something you absolutely can’t stomach. But so far this year, you’ve seen several horror movies because you never speak up about your preferences. You’ve also missed several movies you were genuinely interested in because you always just go to the movies your friends want to see.  
• In romantic relationships: Whenever you’re dating someone new, you tend to absorb their hobbies and abandon your own interests. Subconsciously, you feel that you need to earn your partner’s love and affection, and you have strong people-pleasing tendencies. You frequently find yourself doing things you don’t enjoy in an attempt to make your partner happy. For example, you’ve never enjoyed sports. But your partner is really into soccer, so you sign up for a recreational league with them.
• With family: Despite being a successful, productive adult, one of your parents constantly criticizes you. It hurts your feelings, but it’s been going on so long that you tell yourself you’re used to it. You worry that setting a boundary will cause your parent to either erupt in anger (making the criticism even worse) or end the relationship entirely. You don’t want to lose them from your life, so you continue to endure their cruelty.

As you review these examples, keep in mind that most people engage in self-abandonment once in a while, and there are things you can do to manage it. Learning to spot self-abandonment is one of the first and most important steps in overcoming it. When it starts to affect your emotional well-being, relationships, or daily functioning, it may be time to seek extra support.

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Reflection questions that can help you spot self-abandonment:

Asking yourself the following questions can bring to light areas in your life you may be self-abandoning. 

• Do most of my choices reflect my personal values?
• Do I listen to my conscience and act accordingly?
• When I’m asked to compromise, do I advocate for myself? Or do I let the other person have everything they want?
• When something good happens to me, do I feel like I deserve it?
• Do I speak up when someone is doing or saying something harmful to me?
• Do I frequently feel the urge to repress or deny my true feelings?
• Do I worry that if someone gets to know the “real” me, they won’t like me anymore?

Why you might be ignoring your needs

The root cause of self-abandonment can vary, but self-esteem often plays a role. People who have poor self-esteem may not believe that their needs, feelings, and values are important. So they may struggle to prioritize themselves. 

Self-abandonment can also stem from toxic or unhealthy relationship dynamics. For example, if a person believes that their safety would be in jeopardy if they spoke up for themselves, they’d be understandably less likely to do so.

Ways to heal from self-abandonment

If you’re struggling with self-abandonment, here are some tips to help you heal and find yourself:

• Increase your self-awareness. Taking some time to reflect on what’s important to you, what you need, and what you like can help you know when you’re out of alignment. 
• Be a friend to yourself. If you’re experiencing self-abandonment, ask yourself how you’d treat a friend in the same situation. Practice self-compassion and speak to yourself with kindness.
• Lean on your circle. If possible, try to avoid spending time with people who erode your self-esteem. Instead, surround yourself with people who uplift you, respect your boundaries, and make you feel accepted for exactly who you are.
• Prioritize self-care. Having a self-care routine can help you manage stress and strengthen your well-being. It can also help ensure you’re making time for activities that you enjoy and that support your goals.
• Ask for help. If self-abandonment is negatively affecting your quality of life, it’s OK to ask for help. A therapist can help you uncover the source of your self-abandonment, improve your self-esteem, and practice assertive communication.

Find care with Rula

Self-abandonment occurs when we disconnect from our needs, wants, and values and instead let someone else’s preferences take over. There are many reasons why a person might experience self-abandonment. But it’s often linked to low self-esteem and unhealthy relationship dynamics. Fortunately, if you’re struggling with self-abandonment and it’s negatively affecting your life, help is available. With the right support, you can boost your self-awareness, increase your self-worth, and break the cycle of self-abandonment. 

At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best. 

Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance, so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we’re here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.

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