Mastering the art of speaking up for yourself

Have you ever struggled to speak up for yourself? If so, you’re not alone. Perhaps you worry about coming across as aggressive or abrasive. Or maybe you’ve had some negative experiences that damaged your confidence. 

Either way, with some practice, you can find your voice and learn to use it. In the following guide, we’ll explore six tips and strategies to help you communicate assertively and advocate for yourself.

1. Do some self-reflection 

The first step in learning to speak up for yourself is to reflect on how you communicate. Think about how you tend to communicate in various situations. Then consider when it’s easiest and when it’s hardest for you to self-advocate. 

For example, it might be easier to speak up with a loved one than with your boss. Understanding your current communication patterns and identifying your strengths and challenges can help you create a plan to move forward.

2. Understand aggressive vs. assertive communication

Our culture, background, environment, and many other factors can influence how we communicate. For example, if you were raised in a home where speaking up for yourself was considered rude, you may struggle to advocate for yourself as an adult. 

But it’s important to remember that there’s a difference between aggressive and assertive communication. Aggressive communication is rude, self-serving, and devoid of empathy. Assertive communication, on the other hand, is clear, direct, and controlled. It’s about asking for what you need without disrespecting anyone else.

3. Start speaking up in small ways

Self-advocacy is like a muscle. The more you use it, the stronger it will be. But if your confidence is shaky, speaking up for yourself can feel scary. So try to start small and build upon your successes. 

For example, imagine you’re a college student and you recently received a failing grade on a paper. You want to understand why, but you’re afraid to draw attention to yourself. Instead of speaking to your professor after class, try sending an email. You could write something like, “I know I really missed the mark on that last assignment. Can I swing by your office to talk about how I could improve next time? I’d really appreciate the feedback.”

4. Challenge catastrophic thinking

Think about a situation when you wanted to speak up for yourself but didn’t. What were you afraid might happen? Sometimes these worries may not be realistic and could be the result of catastrophic thinking. 

For example, are you afraid that asking your boss for a raise will automatically get you fired? Are you afraid that if you can’t attend a dinner with friends, you’ll never be invited again? Of course, these outcomes are possible, and you should always prioritize your safety and well-being. But often, the worst-case scenario isn’t the most likely one.

5. Practice on your own

You can practice speaking up for yourself by starting each day with a positive affirmation to boost your confidence. For example, look in the mirror and say, “I deserve to speak up for myself and ask for what I need.” You can also brainstorm some assertive responses you could use in your everyday life and practice saying them out loud until you get more comfortable with them. 

Here are some ideas to get you started:

• If you’re overwhelmed at work: “I’m at maximum capacity right now. So to take on that extra project, I’ll need to deprioritize some other tasks.”

• If you need to take time for yourself: “I really appreciate the invitation, and it sounds like a lot of fun. But our weekends have been packed lately, so I’m going to take some time to recharge.”

• If you want to set boundaries around conflict: “I care about you both, but I’m not willing to be in the middle of your conflict anymore. It’s taking a toll on my mental health, and it’s not making things better.”

• If you want to be treated differently: “The way you spoke to me this morning was out of line. I know that we all have bad days, but that can’t happen again.”

6. Ask for help

Sometimes, a lack of assertiveness can be a sign of an underlying mental health concern, like anxiety, depression, or past trauma. When you consistently silence yourself or avoid expressing your needs, it can lead to feelings of resentment, low self-worth, or even social isolation over time.

 If you’re finding that challenges related to confidence and communication are starting to affect your relationships, career, or overall wellbeing, it might be a sign that extra support could help. Talking with a therapist can give you a safe space to explore what’s underneath the struggle, learn healthier ways to express yourself, and rebuild a stronger sense of self-confidence.

Research shows that improving assertiveness can reduce stress, anxiety, and depression. It can also help you challenge perfectionist tendencies, strengthen your relationships, and improve your self-esteem.

Clinician's take

An emotional barrier that often holds people back is fear. Fear of rejection, conflict, or being seen as ‘difficult.’ This fear can keep someone quiet, even when their needs aren’t being met, leaving them stuck in cycles of resentment or self-doubt. Therapy can help by uncovering where that fear comes from, challenging the negative beliefs that fuel it, and practicing healthier communication tools in a supportive environment.

Ashley Ayala, LMFT

Clinical reviewer

Find care with Rula

When speaking up for yourself, you might worry about coming across as rude or being penalized for self-advocating. But with some time and practice, you can boost your confidence and find your voice. If you need additional support, reach out to a therapist. Therapy can help you strengthen your assertiveness skills, set healthy boundaries, and learn to ask for what you need.

At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best. 

Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we're here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.