Shame is a natural human emotion, but toxic shame is chronic and often affects your identity.
Toxic shame can result from past experiences but can also be linked to depression or low self-esteem.
Releasing toxic shame is possible through self-compassion, setting healthy boundaries, and getting support through therapy.
Shame is a normal human emotion, and it isn’t always a negative thing. For example, feeling guilt after hurting someone you love may lead to shame. But when it’s healthy, you overcome shame after some time has passed and move forward. On the other hand, toxic shame sticks around and focuses on you instead of your actions.
If you live with toxic shame, it can start to feel like it affects the way you see the world and yourself. But there are ways to heal, especially with the support of a therapist.
What toxic shame feels like
Feeling shame sometimes is normal — especially in appropriate situations. For example, you might feel shame when you’ve done something that’s negatively impacted yourself or others. That type of shame can be uncomfortable, but it can motivate growth and help you make positive changes. It usually fades with time and doesn’t take over your sense of self.
Toxic shame is different. It tends to be chronic, overwhelming, and tied to how you see yourself — not just something you feel about a certain situation. People who experience toxic shame often feel ashamed about things that aren’t their fault. Their shame might feel constant. They may carry a deep, painful sense that something is wrong with them. This kind of shame can make it hard to feel worthy, connected, or confident.
You might experience toxic shame if you:
Feel that shame has taken over your identity and sense of self-worth
Feel constantly inferior or “small” compared to others
Take on blame or apologize for things that aren’t your fault
Have a very hard time getting over embarrassing or humiliating events
Have difficulty accepting compliments or feel like you don’t deserve praise
Feel disconnected or isolated from others because of perceived flaws or failures
Experience chronic self-criticism or self-loathing
Avoid situations or people that might highlight your perceived flaws
The difference between shame and guilt isn’t always clear. Some people describe shame as feeling like “I’m a bad person,” while guilt feels more like “I did something wrong.” Guilt is about behavior, while shame goes deeper and affects how you see yourself.
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The emotional toll of carrying toxic shame
The feeling of shame itself isn’t linked to any mental health conditions — on the contrary, some experts say that the inability to feel shame might be a sign of immorality. But toxic shame can have significantly negative consequences for your overall well-being.
Toxic shame can develop when you live in an environment that makes you feel ashamed of who you are. It can be connected to larger social and political issues. For example, if you’re part of a group that has historically been oppressed and marginalized, you may be more likely to develop chronic shame as a result. This can be related to racial, gender, and other collective identities.
Childhood experiences and growing up in a dysfunctional family dynamic can also play a role. If your caregivers made you feel guilty and shamed for normal age-appropriate mistakes — or constantly ridiculed or insulted you — you may have been more likely to develop chronic shame.
While shame itself isn’t linked to any mental health concerns, chronic or toxic shame is. People with chronic shame have been found to be significantly more likely to also live with poor self-esteem.
Toxic shame could also be linked to other mental health conditions, including:
Depression: One of the symptoms of depression is worthlessness and guilt. Feeling this way all the time can make toxic shame worse.
Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD): People with OCD experience intrusive thoughts about taboo topics that can make them feel extremely ashamed. This shame can lead to compulsions, which can keep them trapped in a cycle.
Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD): People with ADHD may have been made to feel ashamed for their symptoms. For example, they may have been labeled as “dumb” or “lazy,” which can make toxic shame develop.
Healthy ways to overcome toxic shame
It's possible to release toxic shame, even if you’ve carried it your entire life. But if it’s long-lasting, or linked to an underlying mental health condition, you may require the support of a qualified therapist. A therapist can help you identify the root causes of your toxic shame, challenge harmful beliefs, and work on healthier ways to cope and build self-worth. They can guide you through understanding your emotions without letting shame define you.
The goal isn’t to never feel shame again. Shame can feel uncomfortable or painful, but it’s not always bad. What matters is not letting shame take over how you see yourself or your daily life.
Here are ways you can start working toward overcoming toxic shame:
Working on your self-esteem: Strengthening your self-esteem can help you break the pattern of seeing yourself through the lens of shame. You can start to see yourself as worthy of love and respect. Focus on your strengths instead of your perceived flaws, and celebrate your achievements.
Practicing self-compassion: Each day, try to be kind to yourself. Talk to yourself as you would to a friend who’s having challenges with feelings of shame. Understand that you’re not alone and that you’re allowed to make mistakes without it defining who you are.
Setting and sticking to boundaries: If someone tries to shame you, it’s perfectly OK to set boundaries. You might say something like, “I’m not comfortable with that comment, and I’d prefer if you didn’t speak to me like that.”
One important sign that shame has become toxic is when it makes you feel like you’re a bad person — not just that you did something wrong. Remember, you deserve support and kindness when dealing with these feelings.
Brandy Chalmers, LPC
Clinical reviewer
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Releasing toxic shame is possible, but it can take time — especially if it’s been lifelong. With the right support, you can create a healthier self-image. Therapy can provide the space to heal and help you regain your sense of worth.
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Saya Des Marais
Saya graduated with her Master in Social Work (MSW) with a concentration in mental health from the University of Southern California in 2010. She formerly worked as a therapist and motivational interviewing trainer in community clinics, public schools, mental health startups, and more.
Her writing has been featured in FORTUNE, GoodRX, PsychCentral, and dozens of mental health apps and therapy websites. Through both her clinical work and her personal OCD diagnosis, she’s learned the importance of making empathetic and accurate mental health content available online.
She lives in Portland, Oregon but you can find her almost just as often in Mexico or in her birthplace, Tokyo.
Brandy Chalmers, LPC
Having faced challenges like childhood abuse, neglect, and the loss of her father to suicide, Brandy Chalmers is deeply passionate about providing compassionate care. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Nationally Certified Counselor, and Registered Play Therapist with a Master’s Degree in Clinical Counseling and Marriage and Family Therapy.
Brandy also teaches at a university, sharing her expertise with future mental health professionals. With over a decade of experience in settings like inpatient care and private practice, she specializes in helping clients with perfectionism, trauma, personality disorders, eating disorders, and life changes.
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