Abandonment trauma is more than normal worry about losing someone you love. It's a frequent intense fear of being left by someone you care about.
Abandonment trauma often stems from a past experience of unexpected loss or an ongoing traumatic experience like childhood abuse or neglect.
With the right support, you can heal from abandonment trauma. A mental health professional who specializes in treating trauma can help you rediscover trust, build healthy connections, and heal from past experiences.
Abandonment trauma is a deep fear of being rejected, left, or losing someone important to you. It often develops after experiencing early loss, neglect, or other traumatic events and is sometimes called a “fear of abandonment.”
Trauma can take many forms, from sudden events like violence or natural disasters to ongoing experiences like abuse or neglect. While people respond to trauma differently, abandonment trauma can leave lasting emotional effects. It may cause intense distress that impacts relationships and daily life.
With support from a mental health professional and strategies that build trust, self-worth, and emotional safety, many people are able to recover and form healthy, secure connections.
What is abandonment trauma?
Abandonment trauma often starts with a major loss or lack of care early in life. It can also come from painful experiences later on.
Some common examples of abandonment trauma include:
Losing contact with a parent or caregiver
Experiencing emotional or physical neglect
Going through a sudden breakup, divorce, or death of a loved one
Enduring betrayal or broken trust in a close relationship
Experiencing parental separation or divorce
Growing up in foster care
Living through a traumatic event or disaster
Signs and symptoms of abandonment trauma
One of the most challenging aspects of trauma is that it manifests in different people in different ways. In other words, just because two people experience the same loss or traumatic event doesn’t mean they will respond to it in the same way. However, there are some common signs and symptoms that may indicate the presence of abandonment trauma, including:
Feeling chronically insecure
Finding it hard to trust people
Getting jealous easily
Being frequently “clingy” with friends, family, or partners
Always striving to make others happy, even at your own expense
Giving more than receiving in relationships
Feeling like you always have to try hard to get noticed
Struggling to feel connected to others
Feeling a need to control or be controlled in relationships
Staying in unhealthy relationships to avoid being lonely
Left untreated, the emotional and psychological consequences of abandonment trauma can be significant. Fortunately, with support from a mental health professional, you can overcome abandonment trauma and forge a path towards healthier relationships and improved self-confidence.
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Five healing strategies for coping with abandonment trauma
1. Cultivate self-awareness
One of the first and most important steps in healing from abandonment trauma is learning to identify the ways it impacts your life.
You can increase your self-awareness by pausing to notice when you’re feeling scared or insecure in your relationships. Some people find it helpful to write about these feelings in a journal. By keeping a log of your experiences, you can learn to identify your triggers, notice patterns, and gain some perspective that can help you reframe unhelpful thoughts.
2. Build healthy relationships
Living with abandonment trauma can make it difficult to form healthy relationships. This is because it can create barriers to forming trust and creating secure bonds.
Open and honest communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship. Listen actively to others, express your thoughts and feelings clearly, and avoid making assumptions in order to build healthy relationships.
If you’re living with abandonment trauma and struggling in your relationships, individual or couples counseling may help. With some outside support, you can learn to set healthy boundaries and develop the effective communication skills you need to strengthen your connections.
3. Practice self-care
Whether you’re working to overcome the effects of abandonment trauma or another type of trauma, self-care is an important aspect of recovery. In prioritizing self-care in your routine, you can strengthen your mental health and nurture your well-being throughout your healing journey.
Experiment with some of the self-care activities listed below or make some time for whatever activities rejuvenate you and bring you joy.
Go outside. Whether it’s a walk or just taking a break outside, make some time to enjoy some fresh air.
Get creative. Channel your inner artist and engage in a creative activity you enjoy. This could be sketching, painting, drawing, writing, dancing, or whatever else you like to do.
Take some deep breaths. When you’re feeling afraid or insecure take a break to connect with your breath. Slowly inhale, pause, and exhale a few times and notice the effect on your mind and body.
Read a book. Find a few minutes a day to tune out distractions, enjoy a soothing cup of coffee or tea, and curl up with a good book.
Get moving. Make some time to engage in whatever type of movement you enjoy. Take a yoga class, go for a hike, or take a bike ride with your family.
4. Build resilience and self-esteem
Increasing your self-esteem can help mitigate the effects of abandonment trauma.
You can give your self-esteem a boost by engaging in positive self-talk by replacing negative thoughts with positive affirmations. You can also practice self-compassion by treating yourself like you would a friend, especially on tough days. Remember to have patience with yourself throughout this process and know that overcoming the effects of abandonment trauma can take time.
5. Seek professional support
While the activities listed above can help you heal from abandonment trauma and improve your mental well-being, there are times when you might need some professional support.
For example, you may benefit from cognitive-behavioral therapy (CPT) which can help you identify and challenge unhelpful thoughts and behaviors, or eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) which can help you process and heal from traumatic experiences.
Fortunately, many therapists specialize in treating trauma that you can meet with either in-person or online.
Healing from abandonment trauma is like learning to trust solid ground after walking on shaky bridges. With the right support, you can rebuild that sense of safety and form relationships that feel steady and secure.
Brandy Chalmers, LPC
Clinical reviewer
Find support for abandonment trauma with help from Rula
Like other forms of trauma, abandonment trauma can have lasting effects on your mental health and your relationships if left untreated. But with the right support, you can rediscover trust, build healthy connections, and heal from past experiences.
At Rula, we’re here to walk beside you on this journey and help you find the support you need. In as little as 30 seconds, we can match you with a therapist who specializes in trauma and takes your insurance so that you can begin receiving care as soon as tomorrow.
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Liz Talago
Liz Talago, M.ed. is a mental health professional turned content writer and strategist based in the Detroit metro area. As an independent consultant for mental health organizations, Liz creates meaningful connections between brands and their audiences through strategic storytelling. Liz is known for championing diverse perspectives within the mental health industry and translating bold ideas into inspiring, affirming digital experiences.
In her free time, you can find her hiking with her two German Shepherds, puttering around her dahlia garden, or spending time with her family.
Nick Frye, MS, LCPC
Nick Frye, MS, LCPC holds a Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology from Loyola University Maryland and is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor (LCPC) in Maryland. With experience as a substance use disorder counselor and a private practice therapist, he has worked with diverse populations, specializing in depression, anxiety, life transitions, and grief. Passionate about mental health, Nick transitioned from direct patient care to education and mentorship to support both early-career and seasoned professionals in their growth and development as clinicians.
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