Alexithymia is when someone has difficulty identifying, describing, and expressing emotions.
While nobody’s fault, alexithymia can cause frustration and emotional isolation for partners.
Open communication and therapy can help couples gain emotional intimacy, even with alexithymia.
Alexithymia describes difficulty in identifying, describing, and expressing emotions. It can affect every aspect of your life, and especially your relationships. Alexithymia in relationships can lead to a lack of emotional intimacy and frustration for both parties.
Alexithymia is no one’s fault, and it’s often connected to childhood trauma or other conditions. By working together as a couple, and with a therapist, you can manage alexithymia and build a stronger emotional bond.
Signs alexithymia is affecting your relationship
Alexithymia can show up in romantic relationships and dating in different ways. This condition can make your partner feel closed off or even fearful of relationships. They might also have a hard time empathizing with or relating to your emotions, which can make you feel insecure and hurt. Your relationship might feel shallow or superficial.
Alexithymia can be hard to identify. It can be hard to tell the difference between alexithymia and simply being emotionally unavailable. The main difference is that in alexithymia, emotions are genuinely confusing for the person. It’s not that they don’t want to have empathy or connect, but they simply cannot understand or differentiate between emotions.
Take a look at these two scenarios.
Jamie
Jamie’s partner asks, “How did you feel when I canceled our date last night?” Jamie frowns, thinking hard, and says, “I’m not sure… I didn’t like it, but I can’t tell if I was sad, disappointed, or maybe even angry. I just don’t know.” Jamie truly wants to understand and communicate their feelings but struggles to identify them. This is an example of alexithymia in a relationship.
Alex
Alex’s partner asks, “How did you feel when I canceled our date last night?” Alex quickly replies, “It’s fine. Not a big deal,” and changes the subject. Alex could describe their emotions if they wanted to, but avoids opening up or engaging in deeper emotional discussion. This is an example of emotional unavailability in a relationship.
Other signs of alexythymia can be if your partner:
Avoids emotional intimacy, making it hard to deepen the relationship
Doesn’t seem to express any emotions, including joy or pain
Doesn’t show interest in other’s emotional experiences, including yours
Has a hard time telling the differentiating between physical symptoms (like hunger cues) and emotional symptoms
Doesn’t include emotional details when sharing memories or experiences
Seems to not notice when you feel hurt or down, even though they genuinely care about you
Is frequently irritable or even has outbursts, even though they say they aren’t upset
Struggle to tell the difference between their own emotions and yours
Tends to withdraw, distance themselves, or even threaten to break up when strong emotions arise
People with alexithymia are more likely to live with an insecure attachment style and have a fear of intimacy. They’re also more likely to have experienced trauma, like emotional neglect, during childhood.
So if you see signs and symptoms of trauma, and it’s hard to connect emotionally with your partner, it’s possible they’re dealing with alexithymia.
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How emotional blindness strains relationships over time
If you or your partner lived with unaddressed alexithymia, it’s probably impacting your relationship in one way or another. Common ways this condition can strain your relationship include:
It makes it hard to build emotional intimacy. Emotional intimacy is an essential aspect of healthy relationships, and alexithymia can stand in the way. This doesn’t mean that people with alexithymia can never fall in love or have long-lasting relationships, but it can be more challenging to deepen the connection.
It can be challenging to communicate feelings in healthy ways. When you can't identify or communicate your emotions, it’s more difficult to manage them in healthy ways. This can lead to angry outbursts and aggression. Research shows that people with alexithymia are more likely to experience anger. This can also make people with alexythymia at risk for unhealthy coping strategies, like substance misuse.
It can create emotional distance. It can be frustrating to live with someone who doesn’t seem to be able to understand emotions. As the partner of someone with alexithymia, you might experience emotional distance in the relationship. It can feel like your needs aren’t being met.
These stressors can start to wear down a relationship over time. But if you or your partner is experiencing signs of alexithymia, you can take certain steps to address it.
Navigating alexithymia together
Alexithymia isn’t an official mental health condition. But it’s a phenomenon that can significantly affect your life. Here are a few ways you can address alexithymia and build a healthy relationship:
Learn about alexithymia
It may help for both partners to learn more about alexithymia to understand it better. As a partner, your feelings of frustration are valid. But it’s also helpful to understand that alexithymia isn’t your partner’s fault and often has roots in childhood trauma. Learning more about alexithymia could give you more patience and understanding during the process of healing.
If you live with alexithymia, it's possible you haven’t had a way to describe your experiences. So learning more about it can help you understand yourself and your past experiences on a deeper level and start to heal.
Maintain open communication
Communication is key when navigating alexithymia in a relationship. If your partner has alexithymia, try to be patient with them, as they may not have the emotional vocabulary to express themselves in a way you’d expect. Use gentle, nonjudgmental language to encourage open dialogue. You may need to ask your partner for more clarity and pause the conversation when either side becomes frustrated. Taking time to self regulate and revisit the conversation can help maintain open lines of communication.
It’s also important for both of you to communicate your feelings in a way that encourages your partner to listen and understand. Try to use “I” statements to express how you feel and what you need, rather than focusing on what your partner isn’t doing right.
Work with a therapist
Therapy methods that have been found to help with alexithymia include:
Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT): ACT can help people accept their emotions instead of fighting against them. It can be helpful for people with alexithymia to learn how to identify feelings.
Schema therapy: This approach works to address longstanding negative patterns of thought and behavior. It may help both partners build healthier ways of responding emotionally.
Behavioral activation therapy: This type of therapy is focused on helping people with alexithymia behave in different ways (like using certain words to express emotions), even when they don’t necessarily “feel” it.
Compassion-focused therapy: Compassion-focused therapy can help both partners develop self-compassion.
Couples therapy can also help you address the emotional distance associated with alexithymia. A therapist can help you both develop strategies to improve your emotional intimacy and understanding.
You can keep closeness alive through consistent, shared experiences, even if naming feelings is difficult. This can be done through rituals of connection that don’t depend on verbal emotional expression, like a nightly walk, shared morning coffee, or a weekly ‘check-in’ activity.
Ashley Ayala, LMFT
Clinical reviewer
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Alexithymia, which makes it hard to identify and communicate your feelings, can have a significant impact on relationships. It can create emotional barriers that can feel isolating for both partners. But with the right support, there’s hope for building deeper emotional intimacy.
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Saya Des Marais
Saya graduated with her Master in Social Work (MSW) with a concentration in mental health from the University of Southern California in 2010. She formerly worked as a therapist and motivational interviewing trainer in community clinics, public schools, mental health startups, and more.
Her writing has been featured in FORTUNE, GoodRX, PsychCentral, and dozens of mental health apps and therapy websites. Through both her clinical work and her personal OCD diagnosis, she’s learned the importance of making empathetic and accurate mental health content available online.
She lives in Portland, Oregon but you can find her almost just as often in Mexico or in her birthplace, Tokyo.
Ashley Ayala, LMFT
Ashley is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in generational healing and family dynamics. Ashley has worked in schools, clinics, and in private practice. She believes that people’s relationships, including our relationship with ourselves, greatly shape our experiences in life.
Ashley is committed to empowering others to show up authentically and deepen their self understanding. This passion stems from taking a critical lens on her own life story and doing inner healing. One of her favorite quotes is “Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.”
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