How to navigate criticism in relationships

Giving feedback in a relationship can be tricky. On one hand, it’s important to be honest about your feelings and needs. But poorly delivered feedback can come across as criticism. While well-meaning feedback aims to foster connection and understanding, criticism — especially when it’s harsh, persistent, or personal — can cross the line into damaging territory, even becoming hostile or abusive. 

But this doesn’t mean you’re never allowed to talk about the things that bother you. You shouldn’t have to bottle things up or avoid difficult conversation to keep the peace. Learning how to communicate your needs clearly and kindly is one of the healthiest things you can do for your relationship. The difference is how you say it. 

What criticism looks like in relationships

Criticism isn’t always bad. There's hostile and nonhostile criticism, and one study found that nonhostile criticism was associated with higher relationship functioning. For example, your partner might provide helpful feedback that you feel helps you grow. Feedback is an important part of healthy communication in a relationship. It’s OK to talk to your partner about things that hurt or bother you. 

But sometimes, criticism is hostile. This is when the feedback is about bringing the other person down rather than trying to improve a specific issue. It can harm the relationship and lead to emotional distance. 

This type of criticism can show up as:

• Focusing only on the negative aspects of your partner

• Tying mistakes to personality traits

• Constantly pointing out your partner’s weaknesses

• Name-calling

• Using exaggerated language, like, "You always … " or "You never … "

• Blaming them for things outside of their control or accidents

• Repeating the same criticisms without allowing for growth or change

• Comparing them negatively to others, like, "Why can’t you be more like [someone else]?"

• Making sweeping generalizations, like, "You never do anything right"

• Using guilt or shame to manipulate behavior or control actions

How criticism chips away at your relationship

Hostile criticism is linked with worse relationship quality — especially for women. Partners who feel constantly criticized are more likely to distance themselves in the relationship. People are also generally less likely to want to be intimate after criticism.

Being criticized can make you feel judged within a relationship that’s supposed to feel safe. You might start to feel like there's no way to please your partner, especially if they only criticize you and never or rarely praise you. It can feel like there's no winning, and this can naturally lead to you feeling distant from your partner.

In some cases, criticism can be a sign of covert emotional abuse. Your partner may be criticizing you to intentionally hurt you or bring you down. This is especially concerning if the criticism is persistent, escalates, or becomes emotionally manipulative. It’s important to pay attention to whether these patterns are harmful or controlling.*

But criticism isn’t always malicious. Sometimes it’s well intentioned. You might feel like criticizing your partner is about being honest. However, this isn’t always effective, and it can result in your partner pulling away and not changing their behavior. If there's something that your partner does (or doesn’t do) that you don't like, you can communicate your needs in better ways. 

*If you or a loved one is experiencing domestic violence, help is available. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. The advocates that monitor this hotline can support you in finding safety or connect with local resources. 

Growing together with healthy communication 

It can be difficult to avoid criticizing your partner — especially when you're angry with them. But by using the following techniques, you can learn how to communicate in healthier ways. It’s possible to address problems in the relationship without resorting to criticism.

Ground yourself

Before you speak to your partner about something that’s bothering you, practice grounding yourself. You can use mindfulness techniques like deep breathing or a short body scan to center your emotions. Take a few moments, or more if need be, to assess how you're feeling and what you need to communicate. Making sure you’re in the right headspace before having these important conversations can make a big difference.

Focus on the issue

Criticism can become a problem when you start tying your partner’s mistakes to their overall character. For example, if you feel they’re not helping with chores enough, you might start calling them “lazy.”

Instead of making these insults, focus only on the issue at hand. Stick to the specific behavior or situation that needs to change. It’s also a good idea to focus the conversation on the changes you want to see and offering solutions rather than just what you don’t like. 

This can look like saying, “I’ve been feeling a bit overwhelmed with the amount of chores lately. Can we take some time to delegate a more manageable load on each of our plates?”

Look at the positives

Criticism can start to feel especially hostile when you forget to praise the positives. Your partner might be more open to receiving constructive feedback when they know you also appreciate the things you like about them.

Acknowledging the good in your partner and your relationship — even when discussing something difficult — helps keep the conversation balanced and supportive. Reinforce that you're not attacking them but aiming for mutual growth. 

For example, “I loved that you checked the bank account before making that big purchase. Next time can you double check with me because I needed to pay our credit card bill too. I just want to make sure we are both in the know about our budget.”

Remember you’re a team

Identifying the goals you have together as a couple might help you feel less like it’s you against your partner. The goal is to work together to improve your relationship and address important issues as a team. 

When you remember that you’re a team, it might be easier to stop yourself from criticizing your partner. It can be more effective to sit down and brainstorm solutions together.

Communicate your feelings

If you’re on the receiving end of criticism, you might find yourself feeling hurt or annoyed. Try not to take the criticism personally. Instead, find ways to clearly express your feelings to your partner. 

You might say something like, “I hear what you're saying, but I feel upset when you criticize me in that way. Can we talk about this when we’re both feeling calmer?” This lets your partner know that you’re engaged but also that their criticism hurts. 

Have boundaries

It’s OK to express your needs and set boundaries. You don’t need to accept harmful behavior from anyone, even if they’re your partner. You can calmly express that the type of criticism they’re giving you is not landing appropriately and make it clear how you will respond if it continues. 

For example, you might say, “When you said I’m selfish and only think about myself, that really hurt my feelings. I think when things get to that level, we need to pause our conversation. From now on, I will take a time out and we can come back to it later.”

If your partner continues to express hostile criticism toward you, consider seeking professional help for yourself or as a couple. You deserve to feel safe and valued and your relationship deserves support.

Try couples therapy

Couples therapy can help both partners learn better communication strategies and build a healthier dynamic. A therapist can guide you in navigating difficult conversations. They can also teach how to give and receive feedback in ways that don’t feel like attacks.

Therapy offers a safe space where you can talk about underlying issues in a structured space with someone who can help clarify things for you both. Over time, it can help you develop healthier communication patterns that strengthen your bond.

Clinican's take

A common dynamic in couples is when one person criticizes to get closer or problem solve, but the other feels attacked and shuts down. This creates a cycle where one feels ignored and the other feels like they can’t do anything right.

Ashley Ayala, LMFT

Clinical reviewer

Find care with Rula

Criticism can be hard to navigate, but with the right tools and support, you can improve your relationship and communicate more effectively. A therapist can help you both understand how to give and receive feedback in healthier ways.

At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best. 

Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we're here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.