Being raised by an emotionally immature parent can leave you feeling unseen, but understanding where it comes from can help you start to heal.
You can set healthy boundaries and care for yourself without cutting off compassion for your parent(s).
Change is possible. Even if your parent never grows, you can.
Some people grow up feeling like their parents didn’t really see or understand them. Maybe your feelings were brushed off or you were told to “toughen up.” The term “emotionally immature parent” describes a parent who has trouble giving emotional support or validation. They might love you deeply but not know how to connect in healthy ways. This can leave you feeling lonely or unseen, even in a close family.
As an adult, you might still carry patterns you developed as a child, like trying to please others, avoiding conflict, or always needing approval. The good news is that you can change. With awareness, clear boundaries, and (sometimes) therapy, you can learn to care for yourself and build healthier relationships.
A note on the topic: The phrase “emotionally immature parents” became well known after the release of the book “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents.” Many people found the book validating, while others felt that it didn’t show enough compassion for parents. Here, we aim for balance — recognizing your hurt while also leaving room for understanding and growth.
Signs of emotionally immature parents
Emotionally immature parents can show up in different ways. They often struggle to handle strong emotions or connect deeply with their children. Their behavior may seem unpredictable, distant, or overly controlling. But it usually comes from their own lack of emotional regulation skills, not a lack of love.
Some types of emotionally immature parents that you might recognize include:
Emotional: Reacts strongly to feelings and lets emotions guide decisions
Driven: Focuses on success, control, or appearances instead of connection
Passive: Avoids conflict and shuts down when things feel too hard
Rejecting: Pulls away or withholds affection when you need support
Invulnerable: Refuses to show weakness or admit when they’re wrong
Manipulative: Uses guilt, blame, or emotional withdrawal to get their needs met
Many of these parents are emotionally unavailable. They have a hard time talking about or validating feelings — their own or yours.
Growing up with a parent like this can hurt, but compassion helps. Most emotionally immature parents act this way because they never learned how to manage emotions or build trust with others. Seeing that clearly can be the first step toward setting boundaries and healing.
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The lasting impact of emotionally immature parents
Emotional immaturity in parents often comes from their own unhealed pain. Many grew up in homes where feelings were ignored or punished. Others faced trauma, stress, or mental health challenges that made it hard for them to develop emotional awareness. Some parents simply never learned how to communicate or model healthy emotional expression. Instead, they repeat the same patterns with their children.
Growing up with an emotionally immature parent can have lasting effects. As a child, you might have felt unseen, rejected, or responsible for keeping the peace in your home. You may have learned to hide your feelings to avoid conflict. Or maybe you were expected to take care of your parent’s emotions instead of your own.
In adulthood, these early patterns can show up in subtle but powerful ways:
People pleasing: You might go out of your way to avoid upsetting others.
Difficulty trusting: You may struggle to rely on people or believe that love is secure.
Emotional confusion: It can be hard to express your feelings.
Low self-worth: You might believe your needs are “too much” or don’t matter.
Fear of conflict: Disagreements can feel threatening or overwhelming.
Relationship struggles: You may attract emotionally unavailable partners or repeat family dynamics.
Even though the impact can last, healing is possible. Learning to recognize these patterns doesn’t mean blaming your parents. Rather, it means understanding what shaped you so you can grow beyond it. With therapy, self-compassion, and support, you can learn new ways to connect, communicate, and care for yourself.
Maintaining a healthy relationship with your parent
It’s normal to wonder if an emotionally unavailable parent can change. Some do grow over time — especially if they’re open to self-reflection — but others may never reach the emotional depth you hope for. While you can’t control their growth, you can choose how to care for yourself and protect your peace.
Try to hold both compassion and truth at the same time. You can understand that your parent’s emotional immaturity likely stems from their own pain and still acknowledge that their behavior caused you harm. Seeing them as human, rather than a villain, can help you find peace without minimizing your experiences.
To maintain a relationship with an emotionally immature parents while also protecting your emotional health, you can try:
Setting clear boundaries: Boundaries aren’t punishment — they’re protection. You might limit discussion of certain topics, shorten visits, or decide not to share personal details that leave you feeling judged.
Using “I” statements: Instead of accusing (“You never listen to me”), try focusing on your feelings (“I feel hurt when my emotions are dismissed”). This approach keeps communication calm and less defensive.
Knowing when to step away: If your parent becomes defensive or dismissive, it’s OK to pause the conversation or limit contact for a while.
Working on healing yourself: Therapy can help you understand your emotions. It can also help you manage triggers and build confidence in expressing your needs.
Considering joint sessions: If both parties are open, family therapy can help.
Ending the cycle: Many people fear becoming emotionally immature parents themselves. The fact that you’re aware of that risk already shows growth. By learning emotional regulation and healthy communication skills, you can build stronger connections in your own family.
Even if your parent doesn’t change, you can. With time and support, you can build a relationship and/or boundaries that prioritize your emotional safety and well-being.
Healing doesn’t mean fixing your parent or having a perfect relationship with them. It usually means learning to meet your own emotional needs and setting boundaries without guilt.
Brandy Chalmers, LPC
Clinical reviewer
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Having an emotionally immature parent can affect how you think, feel, and connect with others. The good news is that healing is possible. You can learn to notice old patterns, set healthy boundaries, and build stronger relationships. If it still feels hard, a therapist can help you understand your past and find new ways to heal.
At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best.
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Brandy Chalmers, LPC
Having faced challenges like childhood abuse, neglect, and the loss of her father to suicide, Brandy Chalmers is deeply passionate about providing compassionate care. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Nationally Certified Counselor, and Registered Play Therapist with a Master’s Degree in Clinical Counseling and Marriage and Family Therapy.
Brandy also teaches at a university, sharing her expertise with future mental health professionals. With over a decade of experience in settings like inpatient care and private practice, she specializes in helping clients with perfectionism, trauma, personality disorders, eating disorders, and life changes.
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