A person’s gender identity is their internal experience of gender. They can feel male, female, nonbinary, or another gender.
Having a diverse gender (not cisgender) can be stressful. This can be due to stigma that often comes with living in a world built for the gender binary.
Questioning your gender doesn’t mean that you have a mental health condition. But if you’re experiencing distress as you explore, talking to an LGBTQ+-friendly therapist can help.
The term gender identity refers to how someone feels about their gender on the inside. It’s that sense of deep knowing that you’re a man, woman, nonbinary person, or another gender. A person’s gender identity may or may not coincide with the sex they were assigned at birth, and it can evolve. A person can also decide whether or not they want to adopt a gender expression (outward appearance) that aligns with their gender identity.
Understandably, this topic can feel a little complex — especially at first. So if you want to learn more but are unsure where to begin, you’re not alone. It’s possible to cultivate self-compassion as you explore your gender identity. Talking to a gender-affirming therapist or finding a support group can help.
Consider your outside influences
Gender identity is a largely internal experience. But the way someone feels about their gender identity can be influenced by external forces. For example, many of us were raised to believe in the gender binary. We were taught there were only two genders (male and female) and that heterosexuality was the norm.
Research shows, time and time again, that this simply isn’t true. But in many ways, society’s views on gender and sexuality have been slow to evolve.
Questioning your gender or being unsure about your identity isn’t a sign of a mental health condition. However, bias, stigma, and bigotry can take a toll on someone’s well-being. These added stressors (not a person’s gender identity) can lead to mental health concerns for some. Fortunately, support is available.
Dig a little deeper: “What messages did I learn about gender growing up? Where did these messages come from? Which, if any, of those messages play a role in your life today? Do these messages reflect what you believe about gender now? Which ones can you let go? If you got to write your own personal “gender manifesto,” what would it say?”
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Get familiar with the terminology
The language of gender diversity is ever-evolving. New terms seem to emerge all the time as we broaden our understanding of gender. That’s a good thing! Many resources can help you stay up to speed on inclusive language.
In the meantime, if you’re unsure how you want to identify (for now), take a look at the following list and see which words you’re drawn to. Keep in mind that many more genders exist beyond those described below, and many of them don’t have black-and-white definitions.
Agender: Sometimes also referred to as gender-neutral, agender people’s gender identities and expressions don’t align with any specific gender (man, woman, nonbinary, etc.).
Bigender: A person who identifies with both masculine and feminine parts of their gender.
Cisgender: A term used to describe someone whose gender identity matches the sex assigned to them at birth.
Gender fluid: If a person’s gender identity doesn’t seem fixed or they don’t consistently identify with a single gender, they may be gender fluid.
Gender nonconforming: These people move through life without attaching to traditional gendered norms or expectations. Their gender identity and expression don’t fit into a neat category.
Genderqueer: Sexual orientation (who you’re sexually attracted to) and gender identity aren’t the same thing, but they can be connected. Genderqueer people see gender as fluid, often through the lens of sexual orientation. It’s a very broad term encompassing different gender identities.
Nonbinary: Any gender that falls outside the male/female or man/woman gender binary.
Queer: An umbrella term that people of diverse gender expressions, gender identities, and sexual orientations use in different ways. At one point, this was considered a slur. But today, it’s been reclaimed to celebrate the queer community.
Transgender: Often shortened to just “trans,” this term is used by people who have a gender identity or expression that’s different from the gender they were assigned at birth and what’s dictated by their culture.
Gender and pronouns go hand in hand. But no matter someone’s gender expression or identity, they get to decide the pronouns they use. So, try to avoid making assumptions. Sharing your pronouns and asking someone else’s is a way to signal safety and respect.
For example, you can say something like, “Hey, so nice to meet you! I’m Ari, and I go by he/they. What about you?”
Take some time to reflect: What was it like to review this list of terms? What feelings came up along the way? Which of these terms felt most like you? Were there any terms that you definitely don’t relate to? Were there any that felt like a possibility?
Remember, these terms aren’t designed to be prescriptive. You’re the expert on yourself, and you get to decide the words you use to describe your gender. You can keep questioning, choose what works today, and change the terminology you use whenever it feels right. You could even take this gender identity quiz to help you explore further.
Practice self-affirmation
Maybe you've just started exploring your gender identity. Or perhaps you’re thinking about coming out and deciding what you want to tell your friends, family, colleagues, and others. You might’ve even started your transition. Transitioning is when a person makes physical, legal, and social changes to reflect their gender identity. It could include anything from paperwork, changing one’s appearance medically, cosmetically, or through clothing, going by a new name, or other changes to signal their gender identity to the world. But wherever you find yourself on your quest to understand your gender identity, self-affirmation can help. Having a strong sense of who you are can build your resiliency as you work to live more authentically.
Repeat these affirmations: “My gender is an important part of me, but it isn’t all of me. I’m deserving of love and respect. My gender is a source of strength and something to be celebrated! I get to choose who I talk to about my gender; I don’t owe anyone those details. The world is better because I’m in it. My gender is valid, and it's beautiful. I’m glad there are so many genders in the world!”
Ask for help
From LGBTQ+ online support groups to local community centers, several resources can assist you as you explore your gender identity. But if you’re struggling with your mental health as you navigate this process, you might want to connect with a therapist who specializes in working with LGBTQ+ communities.
Remember, questioning your gender doesn’t mean you have a mental health concern. However, many LGBTQ+ people experience higher rates of depression and suicide risk* compared to the general population. This can be due to stress, discrimination, or feeling isolated. Therapy can provide a safe space to process your feelings about gender and explore other aspects of your identity. It can also help you in deciding when (or if) to come out or transition and practice coping techniques in a supportive environment.
*A note on safety: Members of the LGBTQ+ community are at an increased risk of suicidality. If you’re having thoughts of harming yourself, don’t hesitate to ask for help. You can contact the National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline by dialing 988 from any phone. Their counselors will provide confidential support and resources to help keep you safe. You can also contact The Trevor Project anytime, 24/7 for LGBTQ-affirming crisis and peer support.
If you’re experiencing a life-threatening emergency or you need immediate help, please call 911.
I often remind clients that exploring gender is a personal journey with no rush or set rules — being true to yourself is what matters most, and support is available when you need it.
Brandy Chalmers, LPC
Clinical reviewer
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The process of exploring your gender can be complex, exciting, joyful, and just about everything in between. And sometimes, it can be stressful — often due to the stigma of having a diverse gender identity in a world built for cisgender people. Talking to an LGBTQ+-friendly therapist, making time for self-reflection, learning about diverse genders, and using affirmations can help you understand and embrace every aspect of your identity.
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Liz Talago
Liz Talago, M.ed. is a mental health professional turned content writer and strategist based in the Detroit metro area. As an independent consultant for mental health organizations, Liz creates meaningful connections between brands and their audiences through strategic storytelling. Liz is known for championing diverse perspectives within the mental health industry and translating bold ideas into inspiring, affirming digital experiences.
In her free time, you can find her hiking with her two German Shepherds, puttering around her dahlia garden, or spending time with her family.
Brandy Chalmers, LPC
Having faced challenges like childhood abuse, neglect, and the loss of her father to suicide, Brandy Chalmers is deeply passionate about providing compassionate care. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Nationally Certified Counselor, and Registered Play Therapist with a Master’s Degree in Clinical Counseling and Marriage and Family Therapy.
Brandy also teaches at a university, sharing her expertise with future mental health professionals. With over a decade of experience in settings like inpatient care and private practice, she specializes in helping clients with perfectionism, trauma, personality disorders, eating disorders, and life changes.
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