Those who identify as fraysexual can be sexually attracted to people they don’t know very well. But once they get emotionally close to someone, sexual attraction starts to fade.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being fraysexual. But it may mean taking some time to consider which relationship styles are right for you.
If you’re having a hard time accepting your fraysexuality, help is available. Working with a therapist can help you understand yourself and find fulfillment in your relationships.
Fraysexuality refers to a specific pattern of sexual desire. People who identify as fraysexual can be intensely attracted to someone they don’t know very well. But as time goes on, their attraction fades. As they develop more emotional intimacy, fraysexual people experience a loss of desire.
There’s a lot that’s misunderstood about fraysexuality. So if you’re unsure whether it’s the right term for your identity, you’re not alone. Some people mistakenly think that fraysexual people are just afraid of commitment. But that isn’t necessarily true, and those attitudes can reinforce shame and stigma.
People who identify as fraysexual can have committed romantic partnerships. They can also lead full, rich lives without participating in traditional monogamy. Exploring diverse identities can help you better understand yourself and others. Defining the relationship structure that works for you can strengthen your well-being and help you live more authentically.
A note on terminology: As we explore this topic, keep in mind that sexuality exists on a spectrum. You get to choose the words you use to describe yourself. You also get to change those words as your identity evolves throughout your life. Terms like fraysexuality are designed to be descriptive, not prescriptive. In other words, fraysexuality shouldn’t be viewed as a label or a box to fit into. The words we use to describe our sexual identities are meant to help us affirm and embrace ourselves and each other.
Making sense of fraysexuality
One way to make sense of fraysexuality is to explore what it’s not. For example, imagine going on a first date with someone who seems great. They check all of your boxes, and you have a nice time. But by your third date, you’re starting to question things. As you get to know this person, you notice some red flags that weren’t obvious in the beginning. You find yourself less attracted to this person because of their behavior, so you decide to stop seeing them.
Most people who’ve been in the dating scene can relate to this scenario. But it’s not the same as being fraysexual. Fraysexual people can still respect and admire someone as they build a deeper connection. They may even still want to maintain a romantic partnership. But they’re unable to sustain a sexual desire for people once they cultivate emotional intimacy.
Another way to clarify what it means to be fraysexual is to compare it to some related sexual identities:
Demisexual: Often viewed as the opposite of fraysexual, demisexual people require emotional intimacy before they can develop sexual attraction.
Frayromantic: People with this identity lose romantic attraction the more they get to know someone, but they can sustain sexual desire.
Allosexual: This lesser-known term describes people who experience sexual attraction to others, whether or not they engage in sexual activity. It’s the opposite of asexuality, which is when someone experiences little to no sexual desire or attraction.
Graysexual: A form of asexuality, people with this identity typically experience infrequent or low levels of sexual attraction.
These terms exist on a spectrum. It's OK if your experience doesn’t fit perfectly into just one label.
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Recognizing yourself in fraysexuality
If you’re wondering if you’re fraysexual, it’s important to remember that there’s nothing wrong with this identity. Whether you identify as fraysexual or something else, your sexuality is a foundational part of who you are. It’s something that should be honored and celebrated.
Being fraysexual doesn’t mean you aren’t capable of love or being a good partner. But it may be a sign to reflect on which relationship styles are truly right for you. Once you have a clear understanding of your needs and desires, you can communicate them to potential partners. That way, you can set expectations.
If you’re fraysexual, you may feel unfulfilled in monogamous partnerships. So you might want to explore variations of ethical nonmonogamy, like polyamory or being monogamish. Polyamorous people have multiple partners at once. But they aren’t necessarily sexually intimate in the same ways with all of them. Monogamish partnerships have many features of traditional monogamy (like living together or being married). But partners can have sexual and/or romantic relationships with others.
Every relationship looks different, and the key is open, honest communication with partners about what works best for everyone involved.
When being fraysexual feels hard to accept
Our society sends strong messages about sexuality and relationships. While the world has become more inclusive, we still have a long way to go. Heterosexuality and monogamy are still often treated as the default in many spaces. Because of that, exploring or embracing a different identity or relationship style can sometimes feel confusing or difficult — even though these experiences are just as valid.
Some people might have trouble embracing their fraysexuality. Your identity might exist outside traditional romantic or sexual norms. But it doesn't mean that there’s anything wrong with you. It’s not something that needs to be fixed or cured.
At the same time, it’s OK to seek support as you work toward self-acceptance. Some therapists specialize in supporting diverse identities within the LGBTQIA+ community. These providers understand the joys and challenges of life as a fraysexual person. They can support you in deepening your self-awareness and creating partnerships that are right for you.
You’re not broken — your experience of attraction just doesn’t follow the script most people are taught. Realizing that your sexuality is valid, even if it’s not widely understood, can be a powerful step toward self-acceptance. There’s no ‘right’ way to feel desire. Embracing what’s true for you is a form of self-respect, not something to be ashamed of.
Brandy Chalmers, LPC
Clinical reviewer
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People who identify as fraysexual can develop fulfilling relationships. But having a sexuality that exists outside of cultural norms can be challenging. So if you’re struggling with your fraysexuality, therapy can help. There are LGBTQIA+-affirming providers who can help you navigate this experience.
At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best.
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Liz Talago
Liz Talago, M.ed. is a mental health professional turned content writer and strategist based in the Detroit metro area. As an independent consultant for mental health organizations, Liz creates meaningful connections between brands and their audiences through strategic storytelling. Liz is known for championing diverse perspectives within the mental health industry and translating bold ideas into inspiring, affirming digital experiences.
In her free time, you can find her hiking with her two German Shepherds, puttering around her dahlia garden, or spending time with her family.
Brandy Chalmers, LPC
Having faced challenges like childhood abuse, neglect, and the loss of her father to suicide, Brandy Chalmers is deeply passionate about providing compassionate care. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Nationally Certified Counselor, and Registered Play Therapist with a Master’s Degree in Clinical Counseling and Marriage and Family Therapy.
Brandy also teaches at a university, sharing her expertise with future mental health professionals. With over a decade of experience in settings like inpatient care and private practice, she specializes in helping clients with perfectionism, trauma, personality disorders, eating disorders, and life changes.
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