Guilt-tripping happens when someone uses guilt to get their way. They may blame you, remind you of past favors, or put emotional pressure on you to do what they want.
Guilt-trips are a passive-aggressive way to control others. They make you feel like saying no is selfish or wrong, even when you’re simply protecting your boundaries.
Therapy can help you learn how to stand firm against guilt-tripping without apologizing or overexplaining.
It’s been a long day, and you’re looking forward to going home and relaxing. But when your friend calls and you say you can’t join for dinner, they sigh and say, “Wow, I guess our friendship doesn’t matter as much to you.” That’s guilt-tripping. It makes you feel like saying no means you’re a bad friend, even though you just need to recharge.
Guilt-tripping shows up in families, romantic relationships, and friendships. It can make you feel selfish or like you’ve done something wrong. You might give in to avoid conflict but feel drained afterward. A healthier response is to set boundaries and remind yourself it’s OK to put your needs first.
Signs someone is guilt-tripping you
If someone makes you feel selfish or uncaring for saying no, they might be guilt-tripping you. They may act overly disappointed or take advantage of your emotions to try to change your mind.
Some common signs of guilt-tripping include:
Blame and criticism: Suggesting you’re selfish, uncaring, or not a good friend/partner if you don’t do what they want
Reminders of past favors: Bringing up things they’ve done for you to pressure you into returning the favor or feeling like you owe them
Emotional pressure: Acting upset, sighing, or appearing hurt to make you feel bad
Playing the martyr: Pretending to be the victim so you feel responsible for their unhappiness
The silent treatment: Acting cold or distant until you give in
Guilt-tripping can look different depending on who it’s coming from. For example:
From a parent: After a day spent visiting your parents, you tell your dad that you can’t stay for dinner because you have other plans. He says, “Oh, so your friends are more important than your family now?” His words make you feel guilty and like you’re letting your parents down, even though you’ve already spent time together. Toxic behavior from parents can include guilt-trips and constant criticism.
From a partner: You’ve been working long hours, and your partner says, “I guess your job is more important than our relationship. Don’t worry about me. I’ll just get used to being alone.” Instead of saying they miss you, they guilt-trip you.
From a co-worker: You finished your shift on time, and a coworker says, “Must be nice to clock out at 5. Some of us are committed to doing the work.” They’re trying to make you feel guilty for leaving, even though you did your part.
From yourself: Guilt-tripping can be internal as well. Maybe you plan to spend Saturday relaxing after a long week, but you think, “I should be cleaning instead.” That inner guilt-trip makes you feel like you don’t deserve rest.
The care you need, when you need it
Learn how Rula can support your mental health journey
Guilt-tripping vs. gaslighting
Guilt-tripping and gaslighting are both forms of manipulation, but they’re not the same. Guilt-tripping pressures you by making you feel bad, while gaslighting makes you doubt what’s true.
Sometimes, people use them together. For example, if you say, “I don’t like it when you make me feel guilty for not visiting,” a parent might respond, “You’re imagining things, I never guilt-trip you. You’re too sensitive.” First, they guilt-tripped you, and then, they gaslighted you by denying that it happened.
Why do people use guilt-tripping?
Many people guilt-trip because they feel insecure or fear rejection. Making someone else feel guilty gives them reassurance or validation.
Sometimes, it comes from what they learned growing up or from their experiences with mental health or trauma. These experiences may explain the behavior, but they don’t make it OK. In other cases, someone might use guilt-tripping as a way to control or manipulate someone to maintain power in the relationship.
People often guilt-trip unconsciously. They may do it out of habit without realizing that their words are pushing guilt on you. For example, a parent saying, “I never see you anymore,” might just be expressing sadness, but it can still feel like pressure.
Other times, guilt-tripping is intentional. The person knows their words will make you feel guilty and uses them to get their way. For example, a partner saying, “If you loved me, you’d do this for me,” is likely knowingly trying to manipulate you and push your boundaries.
The impact of guilt-trips on your well-being
When guilt-tripping is repeated or deliberate, it can become covert emotional abuse. What starts as a bad habit can turn into a cycle of manipulation that erodes trust and respect.
If guilt-tripping continues, you may start to feel:
Stressed or anxious: Always worried about letting others down
Low self-esteem: Doubting your worth and feeling like you never do enough
Exhausted: Mentally and physically drained from giving in
Distant: Pulling away from the person who guilt-trips you to protect yourself
Distrustful: Feeling manipulated, which can damage trust and respect in the relationship
How to respond to guilt-tripping
When someone guilt-trips you, it’s important to stay calm and remind yourself that setting boundaries and prioritizing your needs isn’t selfish.
If someone is guilt-tripping you, you can respond by:
Recognizing it: Notice when someone is using guilt instead of making a respectful request. You might say, “I can see that you’re disappointed, but I need to do what’s best for me right now.”
Addressing the behavior, not the person: If it only happens once in a while, the person may not realize it. Try saying, “I felt hurt when you said that not coming to your party meant I wasn’t a good friend.” By focusing on the behavior, not the person, you make the conversation more respectful and effective.
Using clear language: Respond with calm but firm words by saying, “I understand how you feel, but I can’t do that right now.” This shows empathy while still allowing you to stand firm on your decision.
Respecting your boundaries: Boundaries help you communicate what you will and won’t accept in a relationship. Say, “Please ask me directly instead of using guilt.” If they keep pushing, respond with, “I hear you, but my answer is still no.”
Staying consistent: Use the same calm response every time. Consistency shows that guilt-tripping won’t work, and over time, they might stop.
When someone frequently uses guilt, I often suggest practicing clear and calm boundary setting. For example, you can acknowledge what they’ve said but still hold firm with a simple statement like, ‘I hear you, but my decision stands.
Brandy Chalmers, LPC
Clinical reviewer
Find care with Rula
If you’re experiencing guilt-tripping from a friend, partner, or family member, therapy can help you recognize it and understand its impact. A therapist can teach you how to set boundaries, speak up with confidence, and stop blaming yourself when you say no. They may also practice role-playing difficult conversations with you, help you rebuild your self-esteem, and show you new ways to respond so guilt doesn’t control your choices.
At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best.
Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we're here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.
Linda Childers
Linda is an award-winning medical writer with experience writing for major media outlets, health companies, hospitals, and both consumer and trade print and digital outlets.
Her articles have appeared in the Washington Post, USA Today, WebMD, AARP, Brain+Life, HealthyWomen.org, The Rheumatologist, California Health Report, Everyday Health, HealthCentral, and many other media outlets.
While juggling the responsibilities of being part of the “sandwich generation” and caring for both her toddler son and terminally ill mother, a nurse friend encouraged her to seek therapy, which helped her to learn coping strategies and manage her depression. Linda hopes her work will help to destigmatize mental health conditions and encourage others to get the help they need.
Brandy Chalmers, LPC
Having faced challenges like childhood abuse, neglect, and the loss of her father to suicide, Brandy Chalmers is deeply passionate about providing compassionate care. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Nationally Certified Counselor, and Registered Play Therapist with a Master’s Degree in Clinical Counseling and Marriage and Family Therapy.
Brandy also teaches at a university, sharing her expertise with future mental health professionals. With over a decade of experience in settings like inpatient care and private practice, she specializes in helping clients with perfectionism, trauma, personality disorders, eating disorders, and life changes.
Rula's editorial process
Rula's editorial team is on a mission to make science-backed mental health insights accessible and practical for every person seeking to better understand or improve mental wellness.
Members of Rula’s clinical leadership team and other expert providers contribute to all published content, offering guidance on themes and insights based on their firsthand experience in the field. Every piece of content is thoroughly reviewed by a clinician before publishing.
