Holding yourself accountable means taking full responsibility for your actions, decisions, and outcomes — both good and bad — without blaming others or making excuses.
Self-accountability shows maturity, self-discipline, and growth. When you hold yourself accountable, you build trust with others.
You can learn to hold yourself accountable in therapy. A therapist can teach you how to build self-awareness, take responsibility, and manage your emotions.
You had plans with a friend until she called to say she’s sick and can’t make it. Disappointed, you snap and say, “You don’t care about me! Why do I bother making plans with you?”
The moment the words leave your mouth, you can tell they hurt, and you feel guilty. What you say next will show whether you know how to hold yourself accountable.
You have two choices. You can shift the blame on your friend and avoid responsibility, which will probably make the conflict worse. Or you can hold yourself accountable by owning your words and admitting you made a mistake.
Self-accountability isn’t something you’re born knowing how to do. It’s a skill you learn through life experiences, practice, and guidance from parents, teachers, or even therapy. Even if you have a hard time with self-accountability now, it doesn’t always have to be that way. You can focus on this trait and strengthen it over time.
Why self-accountability is important
Self-accountability plays a big role in mental health. It shapes how you see yourself, deal with challenges, and connect with others. Research shows that when people hold themselves accountable, they’re better at staying focused and pushing through tough problems.
Not everyone learns self-accountability when they’re young. If you grew up in a home where people blamed others or avoided mistakes, it can be harder to take responsibility as an adult. But know that it’s never too late to learn.
Being accountable has many benefits, including:
Boosting confidence: When you own your choices, you feel more in control of your life.
Lowering stress: Dodging responsibility often leads to guilt or conflict. Taking accountability helps clear your mind and eases stress.
Quieting negative self-talk: Accountability is about growth, not shame. If you see mistakes as lessons, you stay positive while improving.
Strengthening relationships: People trust and respect you more when you’re honest and reliable.
Encouraging growth: Taking responsibility helps you learn from mistakes and make better choices in the future. It also allows you to build emotional maturity because you’re showing honesty and respect for others.
Some mental health conditions can make it harder to take accountability. This doesn’t mean you don’t want to be responsible. Sometimes symptoms can affect how you think, feel, or act. When you recognize your condition but still take responsibility for your actions, you can build trust. Your mental health struggles are real and valid — and they can also affect your relationships. Acknowledging both truths can open the door to support, understanding, and growth. Explore these examples for how certain conditions can make it hard to be accountable:
Depression: Guilt or hopelessness can make responsibility feel overwhelming. With depression, it might be harder to follow through on promises or take initiative.
Anxiety disorders: Fear of failure or judgment can lead to perfectionism, excuses, or avoiding responsibility altogether.
Personality disorders: Narcissistic traits or borderline personality disorder (BPD) can make it tough to admit mistakes or see your role in conflicts.
Substance use disorders: Unhealthy substance use can fuel denial, making accountability harder until recovery begins.
Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD): Trouble with focus, organization, and impulse control may lead to forgetting responsibilities or blurting out hurtful words without thinking.
While not an official condition, people-pleasing tendencies can also make it hard to be accountable. That’s because self-accountability isn’t just about owning your mistakes but also about respecting your limits and being truthful about your time and energy.
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What to do when others avoid accountability
Sometimes a partner, friend, or family member avoids self-accountability. They might feel like it’s easier to point out your mistakes rather than face their own. This can leave you carrying blame and frustration — and lead to resentment if left unaddressed.
In this situation, here’s how you can respond:
Set boundaries. If someone keeps shifting blame on you, calmly tell them what you will and won’t accept. You might say, “I feel frustrated when I’m blamed for things I didn’t do. I need our conversations to focus on solutions, not just blame.”
Stay calm. Don’t match their defensiveness with your own. Using a calm tone to respond keeps the situation from escalating — and you might come to a resolution faster.
Use “I” statements. Instead of saying, “You never take responsibility,” say, “I feel upset when problems are blamed on me.” With this approach, they’re less likely to get defensive.
Model accountability. Show what it looks like by admitting your mistakes openly. Sometimes people can learn by example.
Decide your limits. If someone refuses to change, and you always feel hurt by their words and actions, it might be best to take a step back from the relationship.
Learn how to hold yourself accountable
Learning self-accountability takes time and practice. Every time you try it, you build confidence, improve your relationships, and grow into a stronger version of yourself.
Here are some ways to start:
Be honest with yourself. Admit when you’ve made a mistake instead of hiding it or blaming others.
Pause before reacting. Take a deep breath and think before you speak or act in the heat of the moment.
Own your choices. Say things like, “That was my fault,” or, “I could’ve handled that better.” Simple ownership builds trust.
Apologize, and make it right. A real apology is more than just saying the right words. It includes taking action to fix the problem you caused.
Learn from mistakes. Ask yourself what you can do differently next time — and follow through.
Try journaling. Setting goals and noting your progress can lead to more self-accountability.
Seek support. Talking with a trusted friend or therapist can help you see things more clearly and practice accountability in a healthy way.
One powerful and often unexpected effect of self-accountability is deeper trust — when you own your mistakes, others feel safer knowing they can rely on your honesty, not your perfection.
Brandy Chalmers, LPC
Clinical reviewer
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Struggling with your accountability or someone else’s can be tough. When you fall short, you might feel guilt, shame, or self-doubt. When someone else refuses to take responsibility, you might feel angry or resentful. These emotions can put a strain on relationships. With therapy, you can learn healthier ways to take responsibility, apologize without making excuses, or learn to set boundaries when others avoid accountability.
At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best.
Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we're here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.
Linda Childers
Linda is an award-winning medical writer with experience writing for major media outlets, health companies, hospitals, and both consumer and trade print and digital outlets.
Her articles have appeared in the Washington Post, USA Today, WebMD, AARP, Brain+Life, HealthyWomen.org, The Rheumatologist, California Health Report, Everyday Health, HealthCentral, and many other media outlets.
While juggling the responsibilities of being part of the “sandwich generation” and caring for both her toddler son and terminally ill mother, a nurse friend encouraged her to seek therapy, which helped her to learn coping strategies and manage her depression. Linda hopes her work will help to destigmatize mental health conditions and encourage others to get the help they need.
Brandy Chalmers, LPC
Having faced challenges like childhood abuse, neglect, and the loss of her father to suicide, Brandy Chalmers is deeply passionate about providing compassionate care. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Nationally Certified Counselor, and Registered Play Therapist with a Master’s Degree in Clinical Counseling and Marriage and Family Therapy.
Brandy also teaches at a university, sharing her expertise with future mental health professionals. With over a decade of experience in settings like inpatient care and private practice, she specializes in helping clients with perfectionism, trauma, personality disorders, eating disorders, and life changes.
Rula's editorial process
Rula's editorial team is on a mission to make science-backed mental health insights accessible and practical for every person seeking to better understand or improve mental wellness.
Members of Rula’s clinical leadership team and other expert providers contribute to all published content, offering guidance on themes and insights based on their firsthand experience in the field. Every piece of content is thoroughly reviewed by a clinician before publishing.
