When does healthy conflict become harmful fighting in relationships?

Almost every couple has conflict. Learning how to resolve conflict is one of the key communication skills that helps create a healthy relationship. But how often do couples typically fight? And how much fighting is considered “normal”?

Even though fighting in general is “normal,” that doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Research shows that couples who spend more time fighting report being less satisfied in their relationships. And sometimes, fighting can cross the line into problematic or even abusive behavior. 

A couples therapist can help you learn how to communicate effectively and resolve conflicts together, without resorting to unhealthy patterns of fighting.

The role of fighting in a healthy relationship

Some couples argue more frequently than others. Some couples fight very little, and that may not be a bad thing, as long as one or both partners aren’t hiding their feelings or values to concede to the other. 

Usually, intimate relationships come with some level of conflict. In other words, it’s unlikely that two people will agree about everything all the time. But some couples resolve these differences by calmly talking about them, using effective communication strategies instead of fighting.

But fighting when you have disagreements isn’t necessarily unhealthy, as long as you’re both fighting fairly. In healthy relationships, fighting can look like:

• Bringing up your concern without attacking your partner’s character

• Communicating your thoughts and opinions clearly

• Listening and genuinely respecting each other’s opinions

• Being able to have empathy for the other, even in the thick of the argument

• Taking accountability when you’re wrong

• Expressing frustration without raising your voice or resorting to insults

• Working toward a shared resolution instead of trying to “win” the argument

When romantic arguments cross the line

But sometimes, fighting in a relationship isn’t healthy — and it can even cross the line into being toxic or abusive behavior. Watch out for these red flags: 

• One or both of you use verbal insults or name calling while fighting.

• Fights last for hours, but you don’t get any closer to a resolution.

• It doesn’t feel like you’re fighting to reach an agreement. 

• It feels like you spend more time fighting than you do in peace.

• Fights don’t get resolved, so you pick up the same arguments over and over again.

• You feel like your partner doesn’t respect or care about your side of the story.

• You fight about smaller annoyances and feel unable to let even the “little things” go.

• You feel emotionally drained or anxious even after the argument ends.

• Fights often result in one partner threatening to leave or withholding affection.

• Fights result in physical or verbal violence. This is never OK.

A note on safety: If you feel unsafe in your relationship for any reason, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline by dialing 800-799-7233 for confidential support.

Healthy ways to resolve conflict together

Conflicts and disagreements are bound to come up when you’re in a relationship. But fighting — especially in an unhealthy way — isn’t the only way to resolve them. 

Explore these healthy ways to resolve a conflict, instead of constantly fighting:

Stick to the disagreement at hand

It can be easy to bring up past disagreements when you’re fighting. For example, you might be fighting about one partner forgetting about an important appointment, but you also start to bring up all the past times when you felt neglected or abandoned by your partner.

Sometimes, it can be appropriate to bring up past conflicts — especially if the current disagreement is part of a long-lasting pattern of behavior. But as much as possible, try to stick to resolving the current issue. Bringing up past disagreements can complicate communication and make partners feel attacked.

Choose the right place and time

Sometimes, it’s inevitable that conflict will come up spontaneously. For example, your partner might say something that makes you angrily react in the moment. But as much as possible, try to choose the time and place you resolve these conflicts wisely.

For example, if one or both of you are under the influence of alcohol, it usually isn’t a good time to try to resolve a conflict. Alcohol can lower inhibition, which might make you say something you’ll regret later. Wait until you’re both sober and have the energy and time to commit to resolving the conflict.

Focus on your thoughts and emotions

Instead of attacking or insulting your partner, try to focus on communicating your own thoughts and feelings about the conflict. For example, instead of saying, “You were so rude to me yesterday,” you might say, “I felt really hurt by the way you talked to me yesterday. It made me feel dismissed and rejected.” 

This is sometimes called using “I” statements. Research shows that using “I” statements can be a way for couples to effectively resolve conflicts when used correctly.

Take space if you need it

Often, the best time to resolve a conflict isn’t when emotions are running high. It might feel like you need to resolve disagreements as soon as possible, but it’s completely OK — and often even helpful — to first take some space. 

If you’re feeling heated, do what you need to do to calm your emotions enough to have a productive conversation. The key isn’t to leave the conversation abruptly but to make the space intentional for both of you. For example, you could say something like, “I don’t think we’re getting anywhere right now, and we’re both too angry to talk about this fairly. Let’s just rest today and pick the conversation back up tomorrow.” 

Many couples feel more comfortable doing this when there’s an agreement to revisit the conversation later.

Consider couples therapy

If you’re fighting often and can’t find a way to resolve the conflicts, couples therapy could help you find a path forward. A couples therapist can work with you to identify the patterns keeping you stuck and teach you healthier ways to communicate and repair after conflict. 

Couples therapy isn’t always necessarily about staying together. Sometimes, talking to a couples therapist can help you make a mutually respectful decision to end the relationship. If there’s no way to resolve conflicts together in a healthy way, ending the relationship might be the best decision.

Mental health conditions — including depression, personality disorders, or substance use disorders — may be contributing to conflict too. If this is the case, professional support is even more essential. Individual therapy can help each partner learn to manage their symptoms in a way that supports the relationship and reduces conflict.

Clinician's take

Healthy disagreements can turn harmful when partners stop listening with curiosity and start reacting from defensiveness or fear. Patterns like interrupting, raising voices, or shutting down make it hard to feel heard. Productive conflict comes from staying calm, seeking to understand, and remembering you’re on the same team.

Ashley Ayala, LMFT

Clinical reviewer

Find care with Rula

Fighting in relationships is normal. But in healthy relationships, it isn’t constant or painful. If your arguments have become harmful or you’re struggling to communicate, therapy can help you rebuild connection and understanding. 

At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best. 

Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we're here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.