Regret is a normal and common emotion that tells us that we wish we’d acted differently or things had played out more favorably.
Most people will experience regret, but you can learn how to process these disappointments and not allow them to hold you back.
A therapist can help you manage your regret, understand how and why it affects you, and offer strategies to release it.
Think of the last time you felt regret about something. Maybe you regret not having the courage to ask someone out or regret staying silent when a friend was being disrespected. It’s normal to carry disappointment about things you wish you did or did differently. But it can be hard to know how to deal with regret and move on in a healthy way.
Therapy is one avenue to explore regret and learn how to release this emotional weight. A therapist can help you dig into why you’re having a hard time moving on and help you safely process the emotions that come up.
The emotional toll of living with regret
Living with regret can hold you back in many areas of your life. Instead of living in the present, you might be preoccupied with guilt, shame, or even self-blame around choices you’ve made. This can take a toll on your mental health and your relationships. You may also feel guilty about experiencing regret, creating an endless feedback loop that might be hard to escape.
Regret over life choices is more common than you may think. In fact, some research shows that 90% of people have severe life regrets. Regret is a part of life, and that’s OK. It’s about how you cope with it that matters most. Understanding more about how these disappointments can impact you is a helpful starting place. From there, you can decide how to move forward.
Regret can affect you in many ways, including:
Risk aversion: If you regret choices you’ve made, you may stop taking chances or putting yourself out there. This can block you off from future happiness or satisfaction about your decisions because you become too cautious.
Low self-esteem: Your self-esteem and confidence can be impacted when you hold onto regret. For example, if you’re dealing with regret around guilt after cheating in a current or past relationship, you might think, “I can’t do anything right,” or, “I’m too broken to be with anyone.”
Increased stress: When there’s internal pressure to do better but you can’t forgive yourself for past mistakes, your stress levels can go up. You may even be running on chronic stress because you can’t fully relax as you ruminate about your regrets.
Strained relationships: If your mind is focused on your regrets, like the end of a friendship or family conflict around the holidays, you might unintentionally stop putting as much effort into your relationships. This may result in relationship strain or a breakdown in your social support.
Mental health symptoms: Did you know that regret is linked to depression and anxiety? If you find yourself with a low mood, persistent sadness, racing thoughts, or other mental health symptoms, know that support is available.
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Four ways to overcome regret
Moving past regret can be challenging. It may even feel comforting to hold onto regret if it becomes familiar or part of your identity. But releasing regret is an essential part of forgiving yourself for past perceived mistakes. It’s possible to move forward and stop letting regret hold you back.
Consider these tips:
Reflect on what’s within your control
Consider reflecting on regrets and times you wish the outcome was different. Then think about what you could control in those scenarios. Were there aspects of the situation that were out of your control? This might allow you to practice more self-compassion.
It may also be helpful to think about what’s in your control now. This includes your thoughts, any repair work that may need to happen, or things that need to be put in place moving forward. For example, if you left your front door unlocked while on vacation, you can install reminders on your phone or think of a trusted loved one who you could call to help if that happens again. As you move forward, this exercise can help empower you to act differently, and be more forgiving of previous mistakes.
Feel regret in the moment instead of carrying it
Pushing away your emotions around regret isn’t healthy. Instead, learn to feel it momentarily, acknowledge its presence, and let it go. Here’s how:
When you feel regret, explore how it’s showing up for you. Do you notice certain physical sensations? What thoughts pop into your mind?
See if you can reframe your perspective or offer yourself grace. Is there an opportunity to soften a harsh inner critic? This may sound like, “I was uncomfortable in the moment and couldn't speak up. I send compassion and love to that part of me.”
After a few seconds or minutes, focus on releasing it. Breathing exercises or distraction tactics can let the regret pass by without taking over your mind or affecting your well-being.
If these thoughts continue to pop up, place your hand on your heart and incorporate all of these steps again with greater softness and empathy. In time, your reframes and self-compassion can help these thoughts become less frequent.
Take action
If regret is still present, it might be a sign that you want to make amends or act in another way.
For example, you might regret how you treated a friend. Even though some time has passed, you could send an apology message that expresses remorse. Or you may wish that you’d done a better job on a work project. You could say to your boss that you’d like another chance on a similar work opportunity and outline how things would go differently.
Taking this action in your life and addressing your feelings directly can help you move past regret.
Get professional support
Facing regret on your own can feel overwhelming or even scary. A therapist or psychiatrist can help you sort through your feelings and figure out what you can do to reduce regret’s impact on your life. Therapy approaches like cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), emotional freedom technique (EFT) and self-compassion therapy can help you healthily process your regret and move on.
When met with curiosity and self-compassion, regret can become constructive, offering lessons that guide growth, wiser choices, and stronger connections. It can also help people clarify what truly matters to them and move forward with greater intention.
Ashley Ayala, LMFT
Clinical reviewer
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Regret is a common emotion that almost everyone experiences at some point. It can be helpful to inform us of what we wish we’d done differently and change our behavior in the future. But it can also lead to negative thought spirals, rumination, and distress. That’s where therapy can help you move past regret with confidence.
At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best.
Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we're here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.
Siobhan Neela-Stock
Siobhan Neela-Stock is a writer and journalist who focuses on health, particularly mental health. She earned her master's in journalism from Northwestern University in 2018 and worked at Mashable for over two years where she focused on social good reporting.
Her writing has appeared in the New York Times, SELF, Fortune, Verywell Health, among other publications. Neela-Stock also teaches writing and journalism at several universities.
She enjoys traveling, dancing, playing dodgeball, and spending time with her loved ones.
Ashley Ayala, LMFT
Ashley is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in generational healing and family dynamics. Ashley has worked in schools, clinics, and in private practice. She believes that people’s relationships, including our relationship with ourselves, greatly shape our experiences in life.
Ashley is committed to empowering others to show up authentically and deepen their self understanding. This passion stems from taking a critical lens on her own life story and doing inner healing. One of her favorite quotes is “Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.”
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