Making sense of projective identification

As humans, we have a knack for sensing other people’s emotions. For example, you may sense when someone you care about is anxious or sad. This insight might prompt you to respond with support, and you might not even realize why you’re doing it. 

Similarly, projective identification is a psychological process that involves the transfer of emotions between people. But unlike the example above, it happens when someone unconsciously pushes their emotions onto someone else. That person then absorbs the projector’s emotions without realizing it and begins to feel or act accordingly. This can serve to “prove” that the projector was “right” all along, even if that isn’t really the case. 

Projective identification can create a pattern of avoidance, reinforce harmful thoughts, and strain relationships. It can happen between friends, coworkers, family members, and couples. It can even play out between a therapist and a client. But fortunately, it isn’t something you have to live with indefinitely. 

With the right support, you can learn to recognize projective identification and manage your own and others’ feelings in healthier ways.

An example for how projective identification works

To better understand how projective identification works, let’s look at an example of how it might occur in everyday life: 

You’ve landed a new job, and you’re making an extra effort to impress your manager. But no matter how many times you go above and beyond, they repeatedly insult your work. What’s worse, they do this in front of your entire team. After several months of this behavior, you become so worn down that you start to believe your manager’s insults. You begin to see yourself as incapable, even though you’re doing everything that’s asked of you. 

What you don’t know is that, behind the scenes, your manager is intimidated by your background and experience. They’re afraid that if you thrive in your role, you’ll be promoted and they’ll lose their job. 

For your manager, projective identification is a response to anxiety. It becomes a way to keep you “in your place” so you don’t become competition. The result? It erodes your self-esteem, reduces the quality of your work, and damages your relationship with your team. In other words, repeatedly telling you that you’re bad at your job effectively makes you bad at your job. It “proves” that your manager was “right” about you after all. 

The only way to interrupt this cycle would be for you to recognize and reject your manager’s projections. But, as you might imagine, this can have some negative consequences. Your manager might escalate their insults or deny any wrongdoing. They might even tell you that it’s “all in your head.” 

However, if you can maintain your stance and reject their insults, it might open up some opportunities for growth and communication. While you can’t control your manager’s behavior, you can put boundaries in place to prevent you from absorbing their projections.

Understanding both sides of projective identification

Projective identification requires (at least) two people: the person projecting and the person internalizing the projection. A person can attempt to project their feelings onto someone else. But if they’re not absorbed, that’s referred to as a projection. Projective identification can only happen if the other person internalizes the projection.

We don’t fully understand why some people become projectors or internalizers. But projective identification may be more likely to occur when:

• Someone has difficulty trusting themselves or others, so they tend to absorb others’ thoughts and feelings instead.

• Someone lacks the skills to process uncomfortable emotions or strengthen their sense of self. They cope with this discomfort by pushing their emotions onto someone else.

• Someone has a mental health condition like narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) or borderline personality disorder (BPD). These conditions are known to cause unhealthy defense mechanisms like projective identification.

• Someone seeks to dominate or control someone else through manipulation. When used deliberately, projection can become an intentional form of abuse.

Protecting yourself from internalizing projections

Occasional projective identification isn’t always a cause for concern. But when it’s severe, repeated, and impacts your functioning, it may be time to seek support. 

Therapists can help you: 

• Understand why you’re vulnerable to projection

• Reconnect with what’s authentically true about you

• Increase your self-awareness and self-esteem

• Learn to set healthy boundaries and respond more effectively when projection occurs  

In addition to going to therapy, some individual strategies can help prevent you from internalizing projections include:

• Learn to identify it. The sooner you can recognize projections, the easier it will be to reject them. The more you practice identifying the difference between your feelings and others’, the easier it will become.

• Take a pause. When you experience strong, new feelings in response to someone else’s words or behavior, stop. Ask yourself, “Where are these thoughts and feelings coming from? Do they represent how I truly feel about myself?”

• Cultivate compassion. You can set a boundary around others’ emotions while acknowledging that the projector might not be acting this way on purpose. This may make it easier for you to demonstrate compassion for yourself within this process.

Clinician’s take

From my experience, many people believe the feelings being pushed onto them must be true. If someone treats you like you're too much or not enough, it can feel real. But that doesn’t mean it is. Therapy can help you recognize your true feelings and what isn’t.

Brandy Chalmers, LPC

Clinical reviewer