Unpacking resentment in your relationship

Resentment is a natural human emotion. In the context of romantic relationships, it usually occurs when one person feels that they’re being taken advantage of or mistreated by the other person. Like other feelings, resentment isn’t necessarily good or bad. But if it’s not managed, it can seriously fracture your relationship. 

Different people have different needs and expectations in romantic partnerships. You might have moments of resentment from time to time, even in an otherwise healthy dynamic. But, left unaddressed, resentment can fester. It can lead to increased conflict and make it harder to solve problems together.

Fortunately, if you’re feeling resentful (or your partner is), you can resolve those feelings by learning more about resentment and how to release it. This can help you strengthen your connection and create the healthy relationship you deserve.

Signs of feeling resentment in a relationship

Sometimes, it can be hard to tell whether you’re feeling resentful, frustrated, angry, or another uncomfortable emotion. Resentment lies beneath the surface, and that can make it difficult to detect. 

If you’re unsure what you’re feeling, take a look at the scenarios below. If any of them feel familiar, it could be a sign of resentment in your relationship.

• Mental health: “I love my wife more than anything. But these past few years, her depression has gotten worse, and she’s no longer engaged with treatment. She spends most of her days watching TV or scrolling on her phone. When I get home, all of the household responsibilities fall on me. I know it’s not her fault, but I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this.”

• Finances: “When my partner and I got together, we agreed to join our finances with the understanding that we’d stick to a budget. But lately, my partner has been dipping into our savings to go to the casino. I’m working tons of overtime to get us in a better financial position, and she just doesn’t seem to care.” 

• Household chores: “My husband and I both work full time. After work, he says he needs to “decompress” with video games. But I don’t feel that I have that luxury, and it seems like I never get a moment to myself. Almost every day, I’m handling everything from cooking dinner and getting the kids to do their homework to walking the dog and doing the dishes.” 

• Unmet expectations: “From the beginning, I told my girlfriend that I wasn’t a fan of long-distance relationships. I know that I want to be with her, and she says she feels the same way about me. So we agreed that within the next year, one of us would relocate. That year has come and gone, and we’re still many miles apart. Every time I bring it up, she tries to avoid the topic or accuses me of being ‘needy.’”

Why resentment builds in relationships

All sorts of situations can lead to resentment. But it typically follows a similar pattern. 

Here’s how resentment typically builds: 

1. If your partner hurts or takes advantage of you occasionally, you might be able to move on and forgive them. But if it happens repeatedly, and there’s no sincere repair attempt, you might start to resent them. 

2. Once you’re feeling resentful, and those feelings bottle up, you may begin to lose trust in your partner. You might find yourself questioning their intentions or seeing them in a negative light. This can lead to emotional distance, frequent conflict, passive aggression, and other challenges. 

3. As your resentment accumulates, you may have trouble containing it. It might come out as an explosion of anger or major argument in which you unleash all of the grievances you’ve been holding.

4. At this point, two main things can happen. Either your partner sees the problem and agrees to work together toward meaningful change (perhaps with the support of a couples therapist). Or, if your frustration is dismissed or ignored, your resentment may deepen — even leading to the end of the relationship. 

How to let go of resentment in relationships

Resentment can be painful and destabilizing. But it doesn’t have to mean the end of your relationship. If you’re willing to work through it, and your partner is willing to make positive changes, you can let go of resentment and find your way back to each other. 

Explore these tips: 

• Identify triggers. Do some self-reflection, and try to pinpoint the source(s) of your resentment. Knowing where this emotion is coming from can help you manage it.

• Get specific. Most relationships won’t have an exact 50/50 split of responsibilities. But if you feel that you’re carrying more than your fair share in specific areas, let your partner know that you need to reexamine expectations. 

• Practice forgiveness. Letting go and forgiving someone who hurt you may take some time. But it can ultimately help heal your relationship and strengthen your well-being.

• Ask for help. If you want to release resentment from your relationship, couples therapy can help. Therapy can provide a safe space to work on your communication, address conflict, and prevent resentment from accumulating.

Clinician's take

An early warning sign of resentment that couples often overlook is withholding small positive gestures like not sharing good news, not offering affection, or subtly pulling back from everyday warmth. It may not look like anger, but it signals that hurt feelings are beginning to quietly build.

Ashley Ayala, LMFT

Clinical reviewer

Find care with Rula

Anyone can feel resentful once in a while. But if it’s a constant in your romantic relationship, it can damage your connection. Uncovering what’s causing your resentment, setting clear expectations, and seeking professional help (if needed) can help you forgive your partner, release resentment, and strengthen your bond.

At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best. 

Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we're here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.