How to forgive someone who hurt you emotionally

Most of us know what it’s like to be wronged by someone. In the aftermath, it can be tempting to hold a grudge, especially when we’re deeply hurt. But carrying those negative feelings around can damage your physical and emotional health. On the surface, the solution seems simple: Forgive the person, and move on. In reality, though, that can be very difficult to do.

You may worry that forgiveness will mean accepting an injustice or excusing harmful behavior. But that isn’t the case. True forgiveness doesn’t mean being OK with what happened, and it doesn’t hinge on the person admitting they were wrong. By forgiving others, you can free yourself from the emotional burden of anger and pain.

What does it mean to forgive someone?

Forgiveness is the release of resentment against someone who has hurt or offended you. While it might seem like a charitable gesture toward the person who wronged you, forgiveness has been shown to provide many psychological benefits to the forgiver, including:

• Decreased anger

• Reduced anxiety and depression

• Enhanced self-esteem

• More hope for the future

Forgiving isn’t the same as forgetting or tolerating. It’s a deeper process that requires a total release of any ill will or anger toward the aggressor. For example, imagine catching your neighbor attempting to take your child’s bike from your yard. From that point forward, you could avoid eye contact with that neighbor, install a lock on the gate to make your yard more secure, and try not to let your anger and resentment take hold.

While those steps might help you manage the situation in the short term, they’re not the same as forgiveness. Forgiving your neighbor would mean releasing any resentment you hold toward them, whether they apologize and express remorse or not. It may also include talking to them about what happened.

Why would you forgive someone who hurt you?

Forgiving someone doesn’t mean excusing what they did. It means choosing to release some of the anger and resentment tied to the experience. Many people forgive for their own well-being, not for the other person.

Research shows forgiveness can support emotional and physical health. Studies have linked forgiveness with lower stress, reduced anxiety and depression, and better relationship satisfaction. Some research also suggests people who practice forgiveness have lower blood pressure and improved overall well-being.

Tips for forgiving someone who hurt you

The way you achieve forgiveness can change based on the situation at hand. For example, the steps involved in forgiving someone you love versus someone you will have no future contact with may differ.

Experts say that all forgiveness can be divided into two essential parts: decisional and emotional.

Decisional forgiveness is the “easy” part. It’s the mental process of deciding that you don’t wish the aggressor any harm. Emotional forgiveness usually takes a little more time. It’s the deeper process of fully letting go of hostility and no longer dwelling on the wrongdoing. You’ve achieved emotional forgiveness when something that reminds you of the incident no longer causes anger or other uncomfortable emotions.

Here are some steps to help you achieve both decisional and emotional forgiveness in different dynamics:

How to forgive someone who keeps hurting you

If someone shows a pattern of hurtful behavior and it doesn’t seem like anything is going to change, you’ll need to set boundaries to prevent further harm. Remember, forgiveness is an internal process. You don’t have to tolerate abuse to forgive someone, and you don’t need to talk to someone to forgive them.

If someone keeps hurting you, you may need to avoid unnecessary contact to keep yourself safe. After maintaining some distance, you can begin taking steps to release resentment. This might include working on self-acceptance, letting go of blame, and recognizing that the person’s behavior was not a reflection of you or your worth.

How to forgive someone you love

When you love someone, you can usually acknowledge both their positive and negative qualities, even if they’ve hurt you. But trust, once broken, can be difficult to repair. Forgiveness can be an important part of the healing process. However, it requires intentional communication and consistent effort to repair the harm.

To move forward and forgive someone you love, have patience with yourself and the other person. Know that this process might take some time.  It might be helpful to acknowledge your hurt out loud and try to put the person’s behavior in context (which is not the same as making excuses). Consider how forgiveness will benefit you, the other person, and the relationship.

How to forgive someone when it feels impossible

If someone has wronged you in a serious way, causing harm that cannot be repaired, forgiveness can be very difficult. In these instances, it’s important to focus on how forgiveness might benefit you (not the other person). Forgiveness can free you of the burden of negative emotions and help you reclaim your energy.

When forgiveness seems difficult, consider using the REACH method:

• Recall: Visualize the wrongdoing in detail, and acknowledge whatever feelings surface. Let yourself experience any emotions that come up.

• Empathize: Try to understand the person’s motives or situation. This doesn’t mean excusing their behavior or the harm they caused. But it may help you better understand them.

• Altruistic gift: Recall a time when someone forgave you. Reflecting on your own imperfections and what it was like to receive forgiveness may make it easier to forgive someone else.

• Commit: Make the forgiveness “real” by committing to it. You might want to write it down or write a letter of forgiveness you don’t have to actually send.

• Hold: If the hurt was significant, it’s likely that you’ll be reminded of it from time to time. Something or someone might bring up memories that could make your anger resurface. In these challenging moments, hold to your commitment to forgive the person.

How to forgive someone you hate

Hatred often grows from repeated hurt or deep betrayal. Over time, resentment can lead to seeing the other person as less than human. This process is called dehumanization.

To move toward forgiveness:

• Acknowledge the resentment instead of suppressing it

• Remind yourself that their actions don’t define your identity

• Challenge thoughts that reduce the person to a single harmful act

• Set clear boundaries to protect yourself

Forgiveness doesn’t require reconciliation. In many cases, distance and firm boundaries are part of healing.

How to forgive someone who insulted you

Insults can cause social humiliation and damage self-worth. People may replay the moment and question their value.

To work toward forgiveness:

• Recognize that insults often reflect the other person’s behavior or insecurity

• Challenge negative beliefs that formed after the event

• Focus on rebuilding confidence and self-respect

• Decide whether addressing the situation or letting it go serves you best

Forgiveness in these situations often involves restoring your sense of worth rather than seeking approval from the person who hurt you.

Why is it so hard to forgive someone who hurt you?

When someone hurts you, it can leave lasting emotional wounds. Betrayal, especially from someone you love and trust, can get in the way of your ability to trust others. In response to these experiences, you’ll naturally want to protect yourself.

Our brains are hardwired to help us avoid being hurt, and holding a grudge can feel like protective armor against future harm. But the truth is, that emotional armor can be heavy and difficult to carry. Through forgiveness, you can lighten your emotional load, free yourself of anger and resentment, and repair your relationships if you choose to.

Seeking support with forgiveness

Forgiveness can be difficult to work through alone. A mental health provider can help you process the hurt and understand how it continues to affect your thoughts, emotions, and relationships.

In individual therapy, a therapist may help you explore feelings like anger, resentment, or grief. They can guide you in developing coping strategies, setting boundaries, and deciding what forgiveness means for you. Therapy may also help you rebuild self-worth and emotional stability after being hurt.

With couples therapy, forgiveness may be part of repairing trust after conflict or betrayal. A therapist can help both partners communicate openly, understand each other’s perspectives, and work toward accountability and healing. In some cases, therapy can help couples rebuild the relationship. In others, it may help partners separate with clarity and respect.

Clinician’s take

Forgiveness doesn’t mean excusing what happened or pretending the pain wasn’t real. From my experience, it often means choosing to release the hold that resentment has on you so you can move forward with more peace.

Brandy Chalmers, LPC

Clinical reviewer