Recognizing and releasing repressed emotions

Emotional repression happens when your mind hides feelings without you realizing it. This isn’t a choice — it’s an automatic way the brain tries to protect you from pain or stress. Over time, emotional repression can make it hard to notice or understand what you’re feeling. 

Rather than emotional suppression — when you know what you’re feeling, but you try to push it away or ignore it — emotional repression is when the emotion is buried before you’re aware of it.

Recognizing, expressing, and attending to your emotional needs is an important part of maintaining your mental health. It requires identifying and labeling what you’re feeling, even when you’re experiencing something uncomfortable. If you’re experiencing challenges with emotional repression, you can learn to express yourself more freely with the right support. 

Subtle signs of repressed emotions

Emotional repression is linked to a variety of mental and physical health problems. As a form of emotional dysregulation, it’s been linked to depression and anxiety and may contribute to poorer outcomes for people with cancer, cardiac issues, and other health conditions. That’s why it’s so important to learn to authentically express your emotions.

But because emotional repression is an automatic, unconscious process, you might be wondering how you can tell when it’s happening. No medical tests or psychiatric assessments can automatically detect it. Instead, medical and mental health professionals look for patterns and signs, like:

• You can easily name the positive emotions you experience (i.e. happiness, excitement, pride). But uncomfortable emotions (i.e. fear, anger, sadness) are hard for you to identify.

• Sometimes you feel numb, almost like you can’t feel anything at all. It’s not necessarily a good or bad feeling, you just feel sort of empty.

• If someone asks you how you’re doing, your go-to response is “good” or “fine,” even when you have the sense that’s not really how you feel.

• You feel uncomfortable or anxious when someone asks you about your feelings. When it comes to answering questions about emotions, you don’t like being put on the spot.

• If you’re experiencing a strong emotion you can’t name, you become dysregulated. You might do or say things in the heat of the moment that you later regret when you’re in a calmer state.

• You have trouble getting close to people because you can’t establish deep emotional connections. You may have been called “emotionally unavailable,” and this may have negatively affected your important relationships.

Why we might repress our emotions

Emotional repression is a psychological defense mechanism that often develops in response to childhood trauma. It acts as an unconscious buffer between emotional discomfort and the conscious mind. In other words, emotional repression helps us avoid painful thoughts or feelings. 

Here are some examples of how emotional repression might show up in real life:

• When Sarah was little, her father got angry at her whenever she got scared or upset. Over time, she absorbed the false message that there was something wrong with her feelings. Now, as an adult, Sarah struggles to connect with her emotions and seek support.

• Arthur’s family has always been polite and pleasant to one another. But they never demonstrate anything other than surface-level emotions. Arthur was never encouraged to express himself authentically, so now he has trouble identifying how he feels.

• In ninth grade, Amir took a chance and expressed a romantic interest in their crush. They were turned down in front of their entire class and instantly burst into tears. Afterwards, Amir was called “the crybaby” and bullied relentlessly for showing emotion. They haven’t been able to cry since.

Healthy ways to release repressed emotions

The good news about emotional repression is that it doesn’t have to be permanent. It’s possible to reconnect to your feelings and feel more comfortable expressing them.

Here’s how: 

• Challenge outdated narratives. One of the reasons you might unconsciously avoid certain feelings is the societal messages you received about them. For example, you may have unintentionally absorbed the idea that, “Girls don’t get angry,” or, “Boys don’t cry.” But the truth is, anyone can experience these emotions. All feelings are valid, and it’s how you respond to them that counts.

• Increase your emotional vocabulary. Not having the words to express yourself is another potential barrier to emotional expression. For example, you probably know the difference between happiness and sadness. But you might have a hard time with more complex emotions like contentment, sentimentality, dismay, astonishment, and others. Expanding your emotional vocabulary may help you express yourself more accurately. Tools like feeling wheels can help. 

• Invite authenticity and vulnerability, even in small ways. Throughout your day, check in with yourself and see if you can name what you’re feeling at different times. Once you get more comfortable identifying your emotions, see if you can share them with others. For example, the next time someone you love asks, “How are you?” try to resist the urge to simply say, “good,” or, “fine,” if that’s not truly how you feel. You don’t have to share every intimate detail of your inner life. Just try to be more honest about how you’re really doing. Remember, it’s OK to not be OK sometimes.

• Seek professional help. Often, emotional repression is the result of trauma. Beginning to explore repressed feelings can be a painful experience that might bring up memories or parts of yourself you haven’t explored before. You don’t need to go through this alone — trauma-informed mental health professionals can help. Therapy can provide a safe space to explore and process repressed emotions. And, if needed, a psychiatrist can prescribe medication to address any mental health concerns, like depression or anxiety, that may be making it harder to connect with your feelings.

Clinician’s take

Subtle signs of emotional repression often show up in the little things — avoiding conflict, brushing off sadness with humor, or staying ‘busy’ to keep from slowing down and feeling. You might seem calm on the outside but feel disconnected or tense inside without knowing why.

Brandy Chalmers, LPC

Clinical reviewer