Getting to know yourself is an important part of finding a fulfilling romantic relationship.
You don’t need to have the same exact interests as your partner. But having some shared values and goals can help you stay connected.
Clarifying your “must-haves,” deal-breakers, and vision for the future can help you find a compatible partner.
Countless songs, poems, and stories are about romantic love. They tell us things like, “Love is all you need,” and, “Love will keep us together.” However, the truth is, romantic relationships are complicated, and people pursue them for many different reasons. Two people can love each other very much. But if they don’t share some basic goals, values, and expectations, it can be hard to stay connected.
As you consider entering (or re-entering) the dating world, doing some self-reflection can go a long way in helping you find a compatible partner. You can use the following questions to clarify what you do and don’t want in a relationship. These insights can help you create the loving, fulfilling dynamic you deserve.
What can I contribute to a relationship?
When looking for a romantic relationship, people often focus on what they want to receive from potential partners. There’s nothing wrong with setting expectations. But it can also be helpful to consider what you bring to the table.
For example, if you’re looking for a kind, loving, respectful partner, are you able to show up in the same way? If not, this might be something to explore either on your own or with a therapist. Therapy can provide a great opportunity to deepen your self-awareness and commit to personal growth.
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What do I want to get from my relationship?
You might want to get into a relationship for many reasons. Some of these reasons may be intrinsic, like:
“I enjoy being in a relationship. Life is more fun with a partner.”
“I want to know what it feels like to be deeply known by someone.”
“I like being with someone who challenges me and makes me think.”
“I feel like I’m a better person when I’m in a relationship.”
“Having a sexual connection is important to me.”
“I enjoy the idea of having a “teammate” in life.”
“I want to have a family one day, and I’m looking for a great co-parent.”
In addition, we all receive outside or cultural messages about romantic love. But if most of your relationship motivation comes from external influences, it may be harder to sustain a stable connection.
These external motivators might include:
“I’ll seem more mature and established if I’m in a relationship.”
“If I’m not in a relationship, people will think there’s something wrong with me.”
“If I stay single, I won’t ever experience real love.”
“It’ll be easier for me to maintain a social life if I have a partner.”
“If I don’t aspire to be partnered, I’ll be ostracized in my culture.”
“In this economy, it’s easier to afford basic necessities with a partner.”
What are my “must-haves” from my partner?
As you’re looking for “the one,” remember that human beings are flawed. That’s OK! While we can’t expect perfection, it’s important to have expectations for potential partners.
Think about the characteristics you value most in your friends and loved ones. Which of those do you also seek in a potential romantic partner? Are there other traits you desire in a partner?
Take a look at the following adjectives, and notice what resonates.
Respectful
Adventurous
Kind
Loving
Generous
Silly
Curious
Smart
Witty
Intelligent
Ambitious
Honest
Loyal
Motivated
Reliable
Independent
Considerate
Humble
Affectionate
Thoughtful
Just as it’s important to consider your “must-haves” in relationships, it’s also helpful to be clear about your deal-breakers. Sometimes referred to as “red flags,” these are the things you won’t tolerate in a partner.
Deal-breakers can vary from person to person, and you get to decide where your boundaries lie. If someone exhibits one of your deal-breakers, it doesn’t mean they can’t be a great partner to someone else.
What is my vision for the future?
If you’re considering a long-term relationship, think about your vision for the future. It’s possible that you and your partner could be together for years. What do you want that time to look like? All healthy relationships require compromise, and things happen that can change our lives in ways we didn’t expect. But having a foundation of mutual goals can help keep you connected.
For example, looking ahead, do you want to …
Travel frequently?
Be completely monogamous?
Have children?
Save as much money as possible?
Volunteer in your community?
Move to a different area?
Retire early?
Purchase a home?
Go back to school?
Get married?
Be a stay-at-home parent?
Start a business?
Attend religious services?
Celebrate holidays?
Be politically involved?
Adopt a pet?
Have an active social life?
Knowing your “must-haves,” deal-breakers, and long-term goals can help you find a compatible partner with a shared vision for the future. And if you need support as you navigate the dating world, don’t hesitate to ask for help. Therapy can provide a safe space to explore your values, goals, and expectations as you seek a romantic partner.
When it comes to what makes a relationship feel fulfilling over time, one often-overlooked factor is emotional safety. When both people feel safe to be their full selves, the relationship can truly deepen and thrive.
Brandy Chalmers, LPC
Clinical reviewer
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Not everyone wants a romantic relationship. But if you do, clarifying what you’re looking for will help you find a fulfilling connection. Think about what you desire in a partner as well as what you can contribute. Also, consider what’s motivating you to enter a relationship and be aware of outside pressures. A therapist can help you explore this side of yourself in a safe and non-judgmental environment.
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Liz Talago
Liz Talago, M.ed. is a mental health professional turned content writer and strategist based in the Detroit metro area. As an independent consultant for mental health organizations, Liz creates meaningful connections between brands and their audiences through strategic storytelling. Liz is known for championing diverse perspectives within the mental health industry and translating bold ideas into inspiring, affirming digital experiences.
In her free time, you can find her hiking with her two German Shepherds, puttering around her dahlia garden, or spending time with her family.
Brandy Chalmers, LPC
Having faced challenges like childhood abuse, neglect, and the loss of her father to suicide, Brandy Chalmers is deeply passionate about providing compassionate care. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Nationally Certified Counselor, and Registered Play Therapist with a Master’s Degree in Clinical Counseling and Marriage and Family Therapy.
Brandy also teaches at a university, sharing her expertise with future mental health professionals. With over a decade of experience in settings like inpatient care and private practice, she specializes in helping clients with perfectionism, trauma, personality disorders, eating disorders, and life changes.
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