Occasional self-blame is normal, but when it becomes chronic, it can harm your self-esteem and overall well-being.
Self-blame is strongly linked to depression and other mental health conditions.
Finding a balance between accountability and self-compassion is key. Therapy and other supports can help.
Self-blame is an uncomfortable emotion. Nobody likes to feel guilty or ashamed. But sometimes, these emotions are natural and human. When you’ve hurt someone or made a mistake, it’s natural to feel guilty or blame yourself.
For some people, though, self-blame becomes more of a permanent state than a temporary feeling. You might experience self-blame and guilt all the time, regardless of whether you’ve done anything wrong. You might feel a chronic sense of self-loathing and hatred, which can affect your self-esteem.
There are healthy ways to balance taking moral accountability and avoiding chronic self-blame. Seeing a therapist can help — especially if your self-blame is connected to depression.
What self-blame can sound like
Self-blame can cause you to take ownership for things that you don’t necessarily need to take on. It’s closely related to chronic guilt, but it can expand beyond that.
In addition to guilt, research has outlined some other self-blaming emotions, like:
Self-disgust
Worthlessness
Shame
Anger
Self-reproach
Contempt
Self-hatred
Self-blame can look like punishing yourself for mistakes that weren’t actually yours. You might over-apologize for things that aren’t your fault. Or you might constantly criticize yourself, replay past events, or assume responsibility for other people’s emotions and reactions.
You might have thoughts like:
“This is all my fault. I’m a horrible person.”
“If something goes wrong, it must be because of me.”
“I don’t deserve to be happy.”
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How self-blame and mental health are connected
Self-blame and mental health have a two-way relationship and can get locked in a vicious cycle. Different mental health conditions can lead to self-blame. But experiencing chronic self-blame can also worsen your mental health.
Research shows that self-blame is very closely linked with depression. People with depressive disorders tend to experience worthlessness and guilt. These emotions are so closely tied to depression that they’re listed as core symptoms. In one study, over 80% of people with depression experienced some type of self-blame, with nearly half experiencing self-disgust and/or self-contempt specifically.
When you live with depression, you’re more likely to experience guilt and self-blame out of context. In other words, you may be more likely to blame yourself even when there’s no objective reason to. This pattern can keep you stuck in feelings of worthlessness.
Some other mental health conditions that could cause you to self-blame include:
Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD): OCD often involves intrusive thoughts that make you feel responsible for preventing harm, even if you can’t actually control the outcome.
Anxiety disorders: High anxiety can cause you to overanalyze situations and assume that you’ve done something wrong, even without evidence. This can be especially true for social anxiety disorder (SAD).
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD): It’s common for people with PTSD to blame themselves after experiencing a traumatic event. For example, you might wonder: “What did I do wrong? How could I have prevented it?” But the truth is that trauma isn’t your fault. And these self-blaming thoughts are part of how trauma affects the brain.
Borderline personality disorder (BPD): With BPD, self-blame is often tied to an unstable self-image and intense fear of abandonment. When relationships feel strained, people may quickly turn inward, blaming themselves for being “too much” or “not enough.” This chronic self-criticism can fuel shame, emotional outbursts, and even self-destructive behaviors.
Self-blame can also be connected to physical health conditions. For example, one study found that many people with heart disease tend to blame themselves. The relationship goes both ways: Self-blaming — especially as a character trait — was linked to a higher risk of more heart problems in the future.
Balancing self-accountability and self-blame
The goal isn’t necessarily to avoid the feeling of self-blame altogether. Although it can be uncomfortable, it’s important to be able to take blame and responsibility for the hurt we’ve caused. It’s more about moving away from long-lasting self-blame as a state of being. There are ways to find a healthy balance between holding yourself accountable and constantly blaming yourself.
Define accountability
Try to clearly outline and distinguish between accountability and chronic self-blame. When you feel emotions like self-blame or self-loathing come up, think about whether your actions truly caused harm, or if you’re taking on responsibility that doesn’t belong to you. Accountability is about learning and repairing, while chronic self-blame keeps you stuck in shame.
Practice self-compassion
According to Kristin Neff, a doctor of psychology, self-compassion has three components: self-kindness (treating yourself with care instead of harsh judgment), common humanity (recognizing that everyone makes mistakes), and mindfulness (being present with your feelings without exaggerating them).
Try to incorporate a practice of self-compassion into your daily life. You might find that chronic self-blame naturally fades away.
Set healthy boundaries
You might have developed the habit of self-blame because of past experiences. For example, maybe family members have put the blame on you for deeper problems that aren’t really your fault. Over time, you may be conditioned to take the blame naturally. This can make it easy to believe you’re always responsible.
If you have people in your life like this, don’t be afraid to set boundaries. You can protect yourself by not allowing them to speak to you in ways that make you feel guilty or worthless.
Get mental health support
Often, self-blame is tied to mental health conditions like depression. Or you could have developed self-blame as a reaction to past trauma. If this is the case, professional mental health support can be helpful and even necessary.
A therapist can help you separate healthy accountability from harmful patterns of self-blame. They can also guide you in practicing self-compassion and processing past experiences. You also have the option of seeing a psychiatrist to see if medication might be helpful.
Chronic self-blame can show up as taking on responsibility for things outside of one’s control. While many clients see this as a sign of being caring or conscientious, it often weighs them down more than they realize. With support, they can learn to recognize what is and isn’t truly theirs to carry. This can create space for relief, confidence, and healthier relationships.
Ashley Ayala, LMFT
Clinical reviewer
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Self-blame can feel overwhelming — especially when it shows up alongside depression or anxiety. But it’s possible to work toward a healthier balance. Therapy can help you take responsibility where it’s needed while letting go of blame that doesn’t belong to you. You can learn to be kinder to yourself.
At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best.
Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we're here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.
Saya Des Marais
Saya graduated with her Master in Social Work (MSW) with a concentration in mental health from the University of Southern California in 2010. She formerly worked as a therapist and motivational interviewing trainer in community clinics, public schools, mental health startups, and more.
Her writing has been featured in FORTUNE, GoodRX, PsychCentral, and dozens of mental health apps and therapy websites. Through both her clinical work and her personal OCD diagnosis, she’s learned the importance of making empathetic and accurate mental health content available online.
She lives in Portland, Oregon but you can find her almost just as often in Mexico or in her birthplace, Tokyo.
Ashley Ayala, LMFT
Ashley is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in generational healing and family dynamics. Ashley has worked in schools, clinics, and in private practice. She believes that people’s relationships, including our relationship with ourselves, greatly shape our experiences in life.
Ashley is committed to empowering others to show up authentically and deepen their self understanding. This passion stems from taking a critical lens on her own life story and doing inner healing. One of her favorite quotes is “Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.”
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Rula's editorial team is on a mission to make science-backed mental health insights accessible and practical for every person seeking to better understand or improve mental wellness.
Members of Rula’s clinical leadership team and other expert providers contribute to all published content, offering guidance on themes and insights based on their firsthand experience in the field. Every piece of content is thoroughly reviewed by a clinician before publishing.
