What’s self-invalidation?

Imagine that you’ve just received harsh criticism in a meeting at work. As you leave the meeting, your eyes start to tear up. “I’m just too emotional,” you tell yourself. “I need to toughen up.” Instead of letting yourself feel sad or frustrated, you suppress your feelings and act like they don’t matter. That’s self-invalidation.

Most people don’t invalidate their own feelings on purpose. It’s usually something they learn over time, especially if they were criticized or shamed for expressing emotions. Eventually, they may start to believe their feelings aren’t “valid” or don’t really matter.

Breaking the cycle of self-invalidation can be challenging, but it begins with awareness. After you’re aware of what’s happening, you can start validating yourself. 

How are you responding to your emotions? 

Self-invalidation, self-reflection, and emotional regulation all involve how you respond to your emotions. 

• Self-invalidation means criticizing or dismissing your feelings. You might have thoughts like, “I’m overreacting,” or, “I shouldn’t feel this way.”
• Emotional regulation means accepting your emotions and managing them in healthy ways. That might include pausing to breathe when you feel overwhelmed or talking things through with a loved one instead of shutting down.
• Self-reflection is the practice of looking inward to understand your thoughts and feelings without judgment. It helps you explore what your emotions are really telling you instead of criticizing yourself for having them.

Emotional vulnerability and self-invalidation both relate to how you respond to your emotions. The difference is emotional vulnerability is about being honest and open with your feelings, while self-invalidation is about pushing them down or denying they matter.

Why self-invalidation can feel so familiar

Maybe you grew up in a family where emotions were ignored or criticized. Over time, after being told your feelings weren’t acceptable, important, or safe to express, you might have learned to push your feelings aside to avoid conflict, rejection, or shame. 

You might not even realize you’re invalidating your emotions, especially if ignoring them became a way to cope when it didn’t feel safe to speak up. 

Examples of self-invalidating thoughts include:

• “I’ve been feeling anxious all the time, but I’m sure it’s just a phase.” By saying this to yourself, you’re shutting down reflection and avoiding uncomfortable emotions. It may come from a learned belief, like being told as a child that your feelings didn’t matter. In the long run, it can lead you to dismiss emotions that need attention.
• “If I were better at my job, I wouldn’t feel this way.” This kind of thought turns stress or burnout into a personal flaw. The truth is, your feelings may be a response to poor management, unrealistic expectations, or needing a break. Try reframing it with more self-compassion by saying, “It’s OK to feel overwhelmed. Asking for support isn’t a reflection of my performance or value.”
• “I don’t want to bother them with my problems. They’re already dealing with a lot.” This thought minimizes your need for support and assumes your feelings are a burden. Eventually, it can lead to you bottling things up or staying in one-sided relationships where your needs go unheard.
• “I must be doing something wrong. Others seem to have it all together.” Thoughts like this often come from comparing yourself to others — especially on social media, where people usually share their best moments. It can make you question your abilities and overlook how much effort you’re putting in.

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Signs you may be stuck in a pattern of self-invalidation

It’s natural to second-guess yourself now and then, but self-invalidation goes deeper. If you repeatedly brush off your emotions, criticize yourself for having them, or believe your feelings don’t matter, you may be stuck in a cycle of self-invalidation.

This pattern doesn’t just affect your thoughts, it can also show up in subtle ways in how you feel and behave.

Signs you might be stuck include:

• Saying “I’m fine,” even when you’re clearly not.
• Constantly putting others’ needs above your own. 
• Comforting a friend when they’re upset but telling yourself that you’re overreacting. 
• Bottling up your emotions until they explode or you feel emotionally numb.

How self-invalidation affects your mental health

Telling yourself that your feelings, needs, or experiences aren’t valid or important can take a toll on your emotional and physical health — especially when it becomes a long-term pattern. 

Here’s how self-invalidation can affect you:

• Mental health issues: Constantly brushing off your emotions can fuel anxiety and depression and worsen existing symptoms. Self-invalidation is also considered a symptom of borderline personality disorder (BPD). For many people with BPD, growing up in invalidating environments or experiencing trauma can drive self-invalidation.
• Low self-esteem: Ignoring your own feelings and needs can lead you to believe you’re not good enough. That repetitive self-criticism can erode your self-esteem. 
• Difficulty setting boundaries: When you doubt whether your own emotions and needs are valid, it becomes harder to set healthy boundaries. You may stay quiet to avoid seeming difficult or to keep the peace, even when it means neglecting yourself.
• Relationship issues: Struggling to express your needs can create emotional distance or a one-sided relationship. When you downplay your feelings, others may do the same, leaving you feeling unseen or resentful.
• Emotional disconnection: Dismissing your true feelings makes it hard for others to connect with the real you. When you silence your emotions, you miss chances for genuine closeness. Over time, you might feel lonely, even around people you care about.

Seven ways to find self-validation

Self-validation starts with recognizing that your feelings, needs, and experiences are real and they matter. The Self-Invalidation Due to Emotion Scale is a helpful tool for noticing how often you might minimize or dismiss your emotions. Simply reflecting on your responses is already an important first step toward building a stronger and more supportive relationship with yourself.

To continue breaking the cycle of self-invalidation, try these seven strategies:

1. Understand the root cause. Think about where your self-doubt comes from. Maybe you were taught as a child to ignore your feelings or criticized for showing emotion. Recognizing where these patterns come from can help you start to change them.
2. Shift from self-doubt to self-support. When you catch yourself thinking things like, “I should just get over it,” try pausing and asking, “What do I need right now?” or, “Would I say this to someone I care about?” This can make a big difference in how you respond to yourself.
3. Question negative self-talk. That critical inner voice isn’t always telling the truth. Ask yourself, “Is this true? Would I say this to a friend?” Often, that harsh self-talk comes from past experiences where your emotions were dismissed.
4. Notice your triggers. Start paying attention to when and where you tend to invalidate yourself. Are there certain situations, people, or emotions that serve as triggers? The more you notice, the easier it becomes to pause, reflect, and choose a more supportive response.
5. Try journaling. Writing down your thoughts and emotions can help you spot patterns of self-invalidation and practice responding with kindness. Journaling also makes it easier to name your needs and remind yourself that your emotions are valid.
6. Address unresolved trauma. If you grew up in a chaotic, abusive, or neglectful home, ignoring your emotions may have felt safer. Yet when it becomes a long-term habit, it can lead to internalized shame and emotional numbness. Trauma-informed therapy, like EMDR, can help you release self-blame and reconnect with your feelings.
7. Try therapy. Working with a therapist can help you explore different approaches that support emotional healing. Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), for example, teaches emotional validation while encouraging healthy behavior changes. DBT also uses mindfulness practices to help you recognize and replace self-invalidating thoughts.

Find care with Rula

Self-invalidation is a learned pattern, which means you can also unlearn it. With tools like awareness, support, self-compassion, and therapy, you can begin to validate your emotions and rebuild trust in yourself. A therapist can help you explore where this habit started, guide you toward healthier emotional responses, and support you in strengthening your self-worth.

At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best. 

Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we’re here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.

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