Finding your way out of a shame spiral

Most of us know what it’s like to feel ashamed. It’s that feeling of psychological discomfort that comes up when we feel like we did something wrong. Like all human emotions, shame isn’t inherently good or bad. What matters is how you respond to it.

Sometimes, shame can be seen as a learning opportunity. It can prompt us to take responsibility for our actions and improve our behavior. For example, let’s say you made a mistake at work, resulting in your entire team having to work late. You might feel ashamed, embarrassed, or like you let everyone down. So in the future, you might take extra precautions to ensure you don’t make the same mistake again.

However, sometimes shame lingers and escalates long after the initial event. Instead of shaping your behavior in a positive way, it can lead you to believe that there’s something wrong with you. This is commonly referred to as a shame spiral. It can cause you to see yourself — not your actions — as fundamentally flawed.

Fortunately, with the right support, you can interrupt a shame spiral and learn to show yourself more compassion. If you feel yourself entering a shame spiral, here are five steps you can take.

1. Pause and label it

When you feel ashamed, the last thing you might want to do is sit with the feeling. But pausing to notice and name shame can help you feel more in control. For example, let’s say you start to experience negative self-talk, like, “I’m worthless, and I can’t do anything right.” This sort of thinking can be the start of a shame spiral.

Interrupt it by pausing, taking a deep breath, and saying something to yourself like, “I’m a human being, and I make mistakes just like everyone else. I’m feeling ashamed right now, but my mistakes don’t define me.”

2. Avoid comparison

Sometimes, shame has its roots in self-comparison — especially if you spend a lot of time on social media. Most people only post their highlight reel and not their flaws. So you might unconsciously absorb the idea that everyone besides you is leading an idealized life. You might feel ashamed of your perceived shortcomings and judge yourself too harshly. If this happens, remind yourself that everyone messes up sometimes.

As you set standards or expectations for yourself, remember that no one is perfect. You can also consider taking a break from social media or unfollowing accounts that make you feel bad about yourself. Talking to friends and family about this can help normalize the feeling and reflect that you’re not alone in your experience.

3. Cultivate self-compassion

When you’re struggling with shame, it can be easy to focus on your flaws. But cultivating self-compassion can provide a powerful anecdote to this type of thinking. Self-compassion isn’t selfish, and it doesn’t mean thinking you’re perfect. It’s about showing yourself kindness and seeing yourself as worthy, no matter what.

If you’re feeling ashamed, you can practice self-compassion by treating yourself like you would a friend going through a hard time. Most of us would probably be gentle and patient in those situations. Treating yourself the same way can help stop a shame spiral.

4. Ground yourself

A shame spiral can feel like a runaway train of emotions. And once it starts, it can be difficult to stop. In those moments, grounding yourself physically can help you regain control.

One straightforward way to do this is by focusing on your breath. Slowly inhale through your nose to the count of six. Then pause, holding your breath for six seconds. Then slowly exhale to the count of six.

Another way to ground yourself in the present is to connect with your senses. Ask yourself, what do you see, hear, feel, and smell? Do this as many times as you need to until you start to feel calmer.

5. Ask for help

You could be experiencing a shame spiral for a variety of reasons. For some, it might be related to a mental health concern. For example, shame is often associated with:

• Depression

• Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD)

• Substance use disorders (SUDs)

• Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)

• Borderline personality disorder (BPD)

No matter the reason for your shame spirals, you deserve support. A therapist can help you uncover what’s causing your shame and learn coping strategies to manage it. Living with shame can be a painful experience. But with the right support, you can repair your self image, reconnect with your inner strengths, and learn to show yourself the grace and compassion you deserve.

Clinician's take

When shame feels overwhelming, one helpful shift is to speak to yourself the way you would speak to a loved one. You can remind yourself that struggling doesn’t make you unworthy of love and that mistakes are part of being human.

Ashley Ayala, LMFT

Clinical reviewer

Find care with Rula

Shame is a normal human emotion that most people experience once in a while. In some instances, it can be a catalyst for positive change. But when it’s frequent, intense, and difficult to control, it can create a negative psychological experience called a shame spiral. When this happens, a person may view themselves (not their behavior) as inherently flawed.

Shame spirals can impact your well-being, relationships, and quality of life. Fortunately, you can interrupt them. Naming and challenging shame, avoiding comparison, and grounding yourself in the present can stop the shame cycle. And if you’re struggling with shame due to an underlying mental health concern, talking to a therapist can help.

At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best.

Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we're here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.