Five unrealistic expectations in a relationship — and what to ask for instead

Whether through books, TV shows, movies, or social media, society sends strong messages about what we should expect from our romantic partners. But often, these portrayals aren’t grounded in reality.  

Expectations are a part of healthy relationships. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to feel loved, respected, and prioritized, and you get to decide what your deal-breakers are. 

But if you’re feeling disappointed in your relationship or if your dating life isn’t going well, you might be wondering if you should lower your standards or find someone new. In those moments, you might ask yourself, “Are my expectations unrealistic?” 

There is no easy answer to that question, and everyone’s situation is unique. But the following five examples can help you learn to identify unrealistic expectations and find healthier ways to get your needs met. 

1. They should be able to read my mind

• The expectation: “My partner should know me so well that they can always anticipate my needs, wants, and preferences. I shouldn’t have to tell them how to treat me. If I do, it means they don’t really love me.”

• Why it’s unrealistic: While it’s reasonable to want your partner to know your likes and preferences, no one’s a mind reader. It’s unfair to expect someone to know something you haven’t communicated directly.

• Reframe it: Nurture a relationship in which it’s safe for both partners to ask for what they need. Try to approach each other with curiosity and embrace that you’ll always find new things to learn about one another. It can even bring some excitement to your relationship.

2. If they really love me, they’ll change who they are

• The expectation: “After all this time, my partner should’ve adapted to my preferences. They know that some of their habits are so off-putting to me. If they don’t make a change, I guess it means they don’t respect me.”

• Why it’s unrealistic: Everyone is capable of growth. And sometimes our partners influence our lives for the better. But forming a relationship with the expectation that your partner will change a major part of themselves isn’t realistic. Expecting them to change can lead to resentment later on. 

• Reframe it: Loving someone means accepting them for who they are, flaws and all. Humans are complex and imperfect. There will probably always be things about your partner that annoy you. But it’s not fair to expect them to change their identity because they’re in a relationship.

3. We should always get along

• The expectation: “People in healthy, loving relationships should always get along. If my partner and I fight or disagree, even occasionally, it’s a sign that the relationship is doomed.”

• Why it’s unrealistic: Think about all the people you’ve loved in your life. Do you always agree with everything they do and say? Probably not, and that’s OK! No two people share identical perspectives on everything, and conflict is a normal and healthy part of relationships. It’s how you handle it that counts.

• Reframe it: No one wants to be in a relationship where you’re fighting all the time. But frequent conflict — or avoiding conflict altogether — may signal communication issues. If you need help learning to disagree respectfully, couples therapy can help.  

4. We should want to be together all the time

• The expectation: “My partner is everything to me. They’re my best friend and lover, and I can tell them anything. Why would I want to spend my free time with anyone else?” 

• Why it’s unrealistic: It’s amazing to have a special bond with someone and want to spend a lot of time together. But it’s unfair to expect one person to meet all of your needs. And if you don’t nurture your own friendships, hobbies, and interests, you could be at risk for enmeshment. This is an unhealthy relationship dynamic in which individual identities and boundaries become blurred. 

• Reframe it: Healthy relationships require balance and boundaries. Try scheduling a few special date nights with your partner (even if it’s just watching a movie at home). But make sure to also schedule time with friends or for your own interests.

5. If we love each other enough, we can conquer anything

• The expectation: “No matter what happens in this life, love will keep us going strong. There’s no hardship that love can’t overcome.”

• Why it’s unrealistic: You might be able to love someone through almost anything. But having a life together requires more than love. You also need to be able to problem-solve, communicate, share values, and work together toward shared goals. 

• Reframe it: Healthy relationships require love and effort. If someone can’t make an effort, or if they do things that damage trust or hurt you, it’s OK to step away. You can still love that person even if you’re unable to be in a relationship with them.

Clinician’s take

A realistic expectation I encourage is open, direct communication. It’s not only normal but healthy, and expressing needs clearly actually strengthens intimacy rather than diminishing it. Once couples practice this, they often feel immediate relief and greater connection.

Ashley Ayala, LMFT

Clinical reviewer