Key Takeaways
- Amatonormativity is the idea that being in a romantic relationship is a fundamental part of life. This can make people who choose a different path feel left out or less important.
- This belief can harm your mental health — especially if you’re aromantic, asexual, neurodivergent, or just want something different.
- When you question amatonormativity, you can build a life and relationships that match what matters most to you — not just what others expect.
Amatonormativity is a word that describes a common belief in society: that being in a romantic relationship is the most important part of life. It assumes that everyone wants a romantic relationship and that it will always bring happiness.
Amatonormativity shows up in many parts of life. It can make people who don’t want romantic relationships feel left out or less valued. Understanding amatonormativity is important for supporting all kinds of relationships. This can help people feel more accepted and improve their mental health.
What amatonormativity means
Amatonormativity is the idea that everyone should want a romantic relationship and that having one is necessary for a happy, successful life. It assumes that romantic love is the most important kind of love, and it often ignores other types of relationships that can also bring joy and meaning. This belief can make people feel pressured to find a romantic partner even if they don’t want one.
Amatonormativity is different from heteronormativity, which focuses on the assumption that people should be attracted to the opposite gender. While heteronormativity is about who people love, amatonormativity is about the idea that romantic relationships are the key to a good life, no matter who the relationship is with.
Here are some common examples of amatonormative assumptions you might hear or see in everyday life:
- People ask, “Do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend?” as if that’s the only kind of important relationship.
- Movies and TV shows focus mainly on romantic couples, making other relationships feel less important.
- People assume being single means someone is lonely or unhappy.
- Questions like, “When are you going to settle down?” suggest that having a partner is the goal for everyone.
- Friends or family push you to date or get married even if you don’t want to.
Recognizing these assumptions can help you see how they may be affecting your feelings about relationships and yourself. It’s OK to have different kinds of relationships that make you happy, and you don’t have to follow what society expects.
The care you need, when you need it
Learn how Rula can support your mental health journey
Emotional impact of amatonormativity
Amatonormativity can have a real emotional impact — especially for people who are aromantic, asexual, or neurodivergent. When society constantly sends the message that romantic love is the most important kind of love, it can feel like something is “wrong” with you if you don’t experience it the same way. That’s simply not true — but the pressure can still hurt.
People affected by amatonormativity may feel:
- Left out or misunderstood in conversations about love and relationships
- Anxious or ashamed about their identity
- Pressured to enter romantic relationships they don’t truly want
- Like their friendships or chosen family don’t “count” as real or meaningful
- Invalidated by family, peers, or even therapists who assume romance is a universal goal
This pressure can be even stronger for neurodivergent people because they might already feel out of step with social expectations. Research is beginning to show that many neurodivergent people (like those with autism or ADHD) may experience love, relationships, and intimacy differently — and that’s OK. But when society seems to only celebrate one type of connection, it can make it harder to feel confident in who you are.
Amatonormativity also shows up in laws and policies. For example:
- Married couples often receive tax breaks that single people or close friends don’t.
- Romantic partners are usually given priority in medical decision making.
- Immigration laws, insurance coverage, and housing policies often center around couples.
Understanding amatonormativity can be empowering. When you name it, you can challenge it and start to build relationships that better reflect your values. You get to decide what matters most in your life — whether that’s deep friendships, a queerplatonic partnership (a close, committed relationship that isn’t romantic or sexual), time alone, or something else entirely. Not everyone’s path will look the same, and that’s a strength — not a flaw.
Support in choosing nontraditional relationship paths
Choosing a path outside of traditional romantic relationships can be empowering, but it may also bring up a mix of emotions. You might feel pressure to explain your choices or worry that others won’t understand. That’s where unlearning amatonormativity comes in.
Steps you can take
If you’re starting to question these assumptions, a few ways to begin unlearning amatonormative beliefs include:
- Noticing your own beliefs: Ask yourself if you’ve ever felt like being in a romantic relationship would “complete” you or make you more valid. Where did that message come from?
- Questioning social norms: Think critically about movies, books, or even advice from loved ones that suggest romance is the ultimate goal.
- Learning from others: Follow people online who share experiences with platonic partnerships, solo living, or chosen family. Their stories can help expand your perspective.
- Giving yourself permission: You don’t need a romantic relationship to be whole or worthy. Your values, goals, and connections matter.
Getting support
Mental health professionals can help you explore how amatonormativity has impacted your life. They can also support you as you build a life that aligns with your needs — not just society’s expectations.
A supportive provider can:
- Help you process any guilt, shame, or confusion about choosing a nontraditional path
- Guide you in setting boundaries with others who may not understand your choices
- Offer space to explore your identity and values (and how those things might affect your relationships)
- Connect you with affirming communities and relationship models that resonate with you
Choosing your own path takes courage. Whether you prioritize deep friendships, a queerplatonic partnership, solo living, or something else entirely — you deserve support and validation every step of the way.
One form of connection I’ve seen clients find especially meaningful is deep, platonic friendships built on mutual care, emotional intimacy, and shared life experiences. These relationships often provide the kind of support, joy, and belonging that people were taught only romantic partnerships could offer.
Find care with Rula
Amatonormativity is the belief that everyone should want a romantic relationship. And that can make some people feel left out or misunderstood. It can affect mental health — especially for those who are aromantic, asexual, or neurodivergent. You’re not alone, and support is out there to help you feel seen, understood, and confident in your choices.
At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best.
Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we’re here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.
About the author
Brandy Chalmers, LPC
Having faced challenges like childhood abuse, neglect, and the loss of her father to suicide, Brandy Chalmers is deeply passionate about providing compassionate care. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Nationally Certified Counselor, and Registered Play Therapist with a Master’s Degree in Clinical Counseling and Marriage and Family Therapy.
Brandy also teaches at a university, sharing her expertise with future mental health professionals. With over a decade of experience in settings like inpatient care and private practice, she specializes in helping clients with perfectionism, trauma, personality disorders, eating disorders, and life changes.
Rula's editorial process
Rula's editorial team is on a mission to make science-backed mental health insights accessible and practical for every person seeking to better understand or improve mental wellness.
Members of Rula’s clinical leadership team and other expert providers contribute to all published content, offering guidance on themes and insights based on their firsthand experience in the field. Every piece of content is thoroughly reviewed by a clinician before publishing.
