Key Takeaways
Autistic people may be more likely to experience shame.
There’s nothing shameful about having autism. But autistic traits are often stigmatized and misunderstood, which can lead to shame.
If you have autism and are experiencing shame, working with a neurodiversity-friendly therapist can help.
Autism spectrum disorder (ASD), or autism, is a form of neurodiversity. It affects how people learn, behave, and communicate. These differences can shape how someone sees themselves and interacts with the world.
Shame is an emotion that can involve feelings of embarrassment, unworthiness, or the belief that something is wrong with you. Anyone can experience shame. However, research suggests that it may be more common among people with autism. Shame can make you believe there’s something wrong with you, even when that’s not the case.
To be clear, autism isn’t something to be ashamed of, and some people view their neurodiversity as a strength. Autistic people may be more prone to shame due to social stigma and misunderstanding. The fact is that it isn’t easy to be a neurodiverse person in a world built for neurotypical people. But learning more about shame and autism can help you release self-blame, improve your self-esteem, and connect with your inner strengths.
These reasons might make it more likely for someone with autism to carry shame:
Social stigma
We’re fortunate to live in a time when there’s greater awareness of autism. But there’s still considerable stigma around neurodiversity, and that can lead to shame. Autistic people may be treated unfairly, bullied, or ostracized for their differences.
When this happens repeatedly, autistic people may start to absorb the idea that there’s something wrong with them (even when that’s definitely not true). Over time, this can erode their self-esteem. They may start to see themselves as damaged and, therefore, deserving of poor treatment because of their perceived flaws.
Autistic traits
Autism can cause behaviors or traits that some people may not understand. For example, autistic people may have meltdowns if they have trouble regulating their emotions. They may have difficulty learning in traditional settings, or they may be more prone to impulsivity.
In other words, environments and situations that “work” for neurotypical people can be very challenging for autistic people. But without understanding what prompts these differences, autistic traits may be viewed as something shameful.
Being undiagnosed
Today, autism is typically identified and diagnosed in early childhood. But many people aren’t diagnosed until later in life, and some people never receive a diagnosis. The choice to pursue an autism evaluation is a personal one. However, it can help you better understand yourself.
For example, let’s say you tap your feet loudly whenever you’re feeling stressed (or sometimes, just because it feels good). Others have noticed and commented on it, and it’s made you feel embarrassed. After receiving a diagnosis, you might learn that this behavior is called stimming and that it’s common among autistic people. This insight may help you show yourself more compassion and release shame.
Masking
Historically, autism was mistakenly seen as primarily affecting boys and men. Today, we know that autism can affect people of all genders. But it may present differently among girls and women. We aren’t sure of all the reasons why this happens, but it might be due to the ways that different genders are socialized.
For example, girls are often expected to be more obedient, passive, and emotionally regulated than their male peers. So they may become skilled at masking their autistic traits, even as children. This means that girls and women with autism may “fly under the radar.” They may be misdiagnosed, diagnosed later, or not diagnosed at all. Without knowing they have autism, girls and women may carry shame related to their differences.
Finding freedom from shame and guilt with autism
People with autism can overcome shame and embrace self-compassion and confidence. Here are some steps that can help:
Strengthen your support network
Sometimes, shame can lead to isolation. If you believe there’s something wrong with you, it can be harder to engage socially. But spending time with other autistic people can help you feel less alone. Sharing experiences with other neurodiverse people can help you have more compassion for yourself.
Practice positive self-talk
When you feel ashamed, what does it “sound” like? For example, maybe there’s a voice in your head saying, “You’re such a loser,” or, “No one will ever like you.” When those negative thoughts come to mind, see if you can challenge them.
Replace negative self-talk with positive self-talk. You might say something to yourself like, “I might not be like everyone else, and that’s OK. Our differences make the world a better place.”
Ask for help
Shame can make it feel like you don’t deserve support, but that’s not true. Therapy can provide a safe space to uncover the source of your shame and learn to be kinder to yourself. Some therapists specialize in supporting neurodiverse people. They can help you learn about your strengths, increase self-esteem, and embrace your authentic self.
Clinician's take
A lot of autistic people try to hide or ‘mask’ their traits to avoid judgment. I understand why — it can feel safer in the moment. But over time, masking can drain your energy, heighten stress, and make it harder to feel comfortable in your own skin.
Find care with Rula
Anyone can experience shame, but it may be more common among people with autism due to social stigma. Fortunately, with the right support, autistic people can release internalized shame. By strengthening their support network, challenging negative thoughts, and seeking therapy (if needed), they can embrace their differences and accept themselves for who they are.
At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best.
Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we're here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.
