Small steps to becoming more social

Everyone has different social bandwidths. For instance, your partner may enjoy hanging out with friends multiple times a week without feeling exhausted. On the other hand, you might require a day or two between social hangouts. It’s good to know your limits. At the same time, you might wonder how to be more social in a way that works for you. 

Building social skills is exactly that: a skill. With practice, you can learn how to better utilize your natural social energy without overstepping your boundaries. A therapist can also help you build confidence in social situations, explore subconscious barriers that may block you from new friendships, and support you in developing affirmations to help build your confidence. 

Why you might have a hard time being social

Being social doesn’t come naturally to everyone. For some people, there can be deeper reasons why building social connections feels difficult. For example, social anxiety can make you feel fearful, judged, or rejected in social situations. It often causes more intense distress and can interfere with daily life or relationships.

You might also just be shy. Shyness can hold you back from reaching out to a new potential friend or speaking up when you really want to. You might feel more shy in situations where you don’t know anyone or in social scenarios where the stakes are high, like your first day at a new school.

Neurodivergence, which means your brain works differently than most people, can also cause you to misread social cues. You might be more direct than others or miss subtleties — especially if you have autism. Maintaining eye contact in social situations might also feel unnatural or forced.   

Regardless of the reasons behind your difficulty with social interactions, no one should make you feel guilty. It’s valid to need to recharge your social battery or just want some “me” time. 

The mental health benefits of being social

Maintaining social connections can enhance your mental health, which can also have benefits for your physical health. You might feel a boost of energy or feel more relaxed after talking with a friend or after a positive interaction with a stranger. 

Strong social relationships can prevent depression, with research even showing that a lack of social support increased postpartum depression symptoms. Social support can even improve your sleep, which is key to good mental health.   

How to become more social 

Even if you have trouble being social, you can take steps to improve this skill. It doesn’t have to be a big step, like planning a party. In fact, it will probably feel better to take smaller actions instead of wearing yourself out with things that don't fit your personality and energy. 

If you want to socialize more in ways that work for you, try:

• Vetting people: Pay attention to how others respond to your preferences and boundaries. For example, see how people react if you say you don’t like to go out but prefer smaller gatherings. You can also observe how much they disclose about themselves in the first meeting. Maybe you like getting to know someone more slowly rather than disclosing lots of personal details all at once. The key is finding a pace and style that feels right for you.

• Doing activities you like: Finding friends out of the blue can be hard. Joining a gardening club, finding a group fitness class, or engaging in other activities you like can help you loosen up because the objective isn’t socialization. Instead, social time can happen naturally.

• Starting conversations: If you struggle to come up with conversation starters, try complimenting people on something they’re doing or wearing. Starting small can make you feel more comfortable to bring up deeper topics. 

• Seeking more social interactions: Start with the people you already know, and tell them you’d like to make more acquaintances or friends. An introduction from someone you already know can make a connection feel smoother and less forced.

• Talking with a therapist: You might also not feel good about sharing with loved ones that you need help making friends. Instead, a therapist can help you dig into why socializing feels so hard and brainstorm ideas to improve your social opportunities.

Clinician’s take

Mental health challenges can quietly shape how often you reach out to others. Anxiety might make even casual hangouts feel overwhelming, and depression can make activities you usually enjoy feel like too much. It’s not a flaw — it’s your brain signaling that it needs support.

Brandy Chalmers, LPC

Clinical reviewer