Key Takeaways
Commitment doesn’t have to mean marriage or exclusivity. You and your partner can define it for yourselves.
Being aligned on what commitment looks like can protect your relationship from misunderstandings and hurt.
Defining commitment for yourself can make it easier to build relationships that match your values and needs.
When many people think of “committed” relationships, they imagine monogamous and exclusive relationships. Or they may even define commitment through a legal lens, like with marriage. But committed relationships can come in many forms, and you’re allowed to define commitment the way it makes sense to you.
If you and your partner aren’t on the same page about what commitment means, it can lead to conflict and heartbreak. But with honest communication, you can often find common ground and redefine commitment together.
What committed relationships can look like
The definition of commitment varies from person to person. Some people may only consider a relationship to be “committed” if they’re legally married to their partner. Others may feel committed if they’ve agreed to be exclusive, even if they’re not married. Polyamorous people or couples in open relationships may be equally committed to each other even if they’re not necessarily exclusive or monogamous.
Generally, in a committed relationship, people:
Are honest with each other, especially about important life events — they don’t hide big things from each other
Talk to one another about where they stand in the relationship and have reached an agreement about what commitment looks like
Take the relationship seriously and invest their true selves into it
Make consistent effort to care for each other’s emotional needs and maintain mutual respect
Choose the relationship even when things feel difficult — not out of obligation, but because it aligns with their values
Are able to sacrifice their own needs sometimes for the best interest of their partners or the relationship in general — without seeing those sacrifices as harmful to yourself
Are interdependent and have invested resources including emotional, like self disclosures, and structural, like money or possessions.
To be clear, this describes what in research has been defined as interpersonal commitment — staying together because you’re both committed to each other. Other types of commitment exist as well. People might stay in relationships because of financial reasons or because they share children.
The relationship between commitment and well-being
Commitment and mental health can have a complicated relationship.
Some research shows that people in committed relationships tend to report higher happiness (although the gap is narrowing). Being in a loving relationship with someone can also release hormones like oxytocin, which can increase feelings of well-being.
But in studies, this “commitment” has typically been measured by whether someone is married. So people could be happier because of another factor related to marriage, like having a double income. The relationship between commitment and happiness goes both ways too. In other words, people who are already happier to begin with may be more likely to get married.
For commitment to truly lead to happiness, both partners need to be on the same page. That’s part of what commitment means. If you and your partner have opposing definitions of commitment, it’s likely to lead to conflict and stress.
Many people choose not to be in a committed relationship, and that’s OK too. This may be due to:
Negative experiences in relationships: If you’ve had a bad experience in a past committed relationship, like being betrayed or having your needs dismissed, it can make you hesitant to open up again.
Relationship or attachment trauma: Early life experiences, like inconsistent caregiving or abandonment, can make commitment feel unsafe.
Depression: You might feel a chronic sense of worthlessness and fear that you’d be a “burden” in a committed relationship — even if there’s no evidence for it.
Anxiety: You might constantly worry that the relationship will end or that your partner will hurt you. This can make it hard to fully commit.
Loss of independence: Some people fear that commitment will mean losing their autonomy or sense of self.
You might also prefer to spend time on your own, or simply have other priorities in life. Wanting to be in a committed relationship and choosing not to be in one are valid choices. The most important thing is to make decisions according to your own values and priorities.
Balancing and honoring commitments, together
If you’re in a relationship, you may want to have a conversation about commitment to make sure you’re on the same page. Here are some tips that can help that conversation go smoothly:
Define your own needs
Before even talking to your partner, clarify what you’re looking for in a relationship and what commitment means to you. You can think about this even if you’re not currently in a relationship. You might consider what type of commitment you’re looking for and how you’d like your partner to show commitment.
Defining this for yourself before having a conversation with your partner can make it easier to stick by your values and needs.
Talk about it before problems arise
It’s often best to discuss what commitment means to you — and if commitment is your goal for the relationship — before misunderstandings start to arise. If you feel that the relationship is important enough to you to want commitment, it’s better to define it early rather than after both of you are confused or hurt.
Be clear about your needs
When you do talk about commitment, be clear about your needs. This can prevent conflict and misunderstandings from coming up.
For example, if you’re looking for a polyamorous relationship — in which you show commitment through your dedication and actions rather than through sexual exclusivity — it’s important for your partner(s) to know that. If you’re looking to get legally married, be clear about this goal so you’re not disappointed if partners define commitment in different ways.
Try couples therapy
If you and your partner have different definitions of commitment, couples therapy can provide a safe space to talk through it together. A therapist can help you understand what commitment means to each of you and identify what might be causing fears or resistance. It’s not a miracle fix, but it can help both of you communicate more clearly and make choices that feel right for you.
Consider saying goodbye
Sometimes, the person you’re in a relationship with may not be able or willing to give you the type of commitment that you’re looking for. This isn’t necessarily anyone’s fault, but it can be painful not to get what you’re seeking in a relationship. Instead of trying to force the other person to commit to you when they aren’t ready, it may be best to let the relationship go — at least for now.
It’s OK to try avenues like couples therapy first, but if someone has shown a pattern of being unwilling to commit in the way you need, that may not change.
Clinician's take
Couples can find clarity by having open, judgment-free conversations about what commitment means to each of them and why. Exploring your values, needs, and long-term goals can help you create a shared definition that feels authentic to you both.
Find care with Rula
Being in a committed relationship is a goal that many people eventually want to reach — but that doesn’t have to mean marriage. You can love and care about someone in many ways that don’t look like the traditional definition of a committed relationship. What matters is that you and your partner are clearly communicating your needs and expectations for the relationship.
At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best.
Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 21,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we’re here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.
