Compulsory heterosexuality (“comphet”) is the belief that everyone is attracted to people of the opposite gender.
It’s often associated with queer women, but it can affect anyone who identifies as LGBTQ+.
Learning about comphet can increase self-acceptance and help you prioritize your emotional well-being.
Have you ever thought or done something simply because it’s what you were taught to do? One example is compulsory heterosexuality, or “comphet.”
Compulsory heterosexuality refers to the societal assumption that everyone is heterosexual. This assumption can make it difficult for people to identify who they’re really attracted to. It affects people of different genders but is particularly common among queer women.
If you’re questioning your sexuality, take some time to explore your authentic feelings and desires. Learning more about what you want can increase self-awareness, confidence, and overall well-being.
Understanding compulsory heterosexuality
The term compulsory heterosexuality was coined in the 1980s by feminist poet and essayist Adrienne Rich. According to Rich, heterosexuality isn’t something we’re innately born with. Instead, it’s ingrained in us through social and cultural influences. Rich says this is especially true for women, who she says are taught to prioritize men’s mental, emotional, and sexual desires over their own.
More recently, comphet has gained traction on social media among women who are questioning their sexuality. If you’re a person who has felt pressured to be with men, it may be a sign of compulsory heterosexuality. Comphet can cause self-doubt, confusion, and loneliness. But by becoming aware of this theory, you can create space to question your choices, beliefs, and desires.
Comphet versus heteronormativity, cisnormativity, and cishet
Comphet overlaps with several other terms related to sexuality orientation and gender identity. These include:
Heteronormativity: This is the belief that heterosexuality is the normal and natural sexual orientation. Comphet is thought to be the result of heteronormativity.
Cisnormativity: This is the assumption that everyone's gender identity matches the gender they were assigned at birth.
Cishet: Short for cisgender and heterosexual, cishet describes people who are attracted to the opposite gender and identify with the gender they were assigned at birth.
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Signs of compulsory heterosexuality
Most people are born into the idea of heterosexuality. Depending on where and how you were raised, you may have limited resources to help you understand and explore your sexuality. Learning to recognize signs of comphet can be an important step in your journey of self-discovery and growth.
Common signs of compulsory heterosexuality include:
Feeling pressure to find a partner of the opposite gender to prove your heterosexuality
Having a crush on someone of the opposite gender until they like you back
Dating people based on how attractive other people think they are
Not enjoying sexual activities with people of the opposite gender
Feeling distant or numb when in relationships with people of the opposite gender
Assuming that characters in movies or TV shows are straight unless they’re explicitly labeled as queer
Craving intimacy with the opposite gender but worrying that you’re not queer enough
Staying with someone of the opposite gender to avoid stigma, disappointing others, or feeling unsafe
Because comphet is so deeply ingrained in our society, you might not realize how it influences your life. For example, maybe you make an effort to impress someone of the same gender without realizing why. Or you might assume that all straight women feel at least some attraction to women.
Consequences of compulsory heterosexuality
Comphet can lead people to ignore or suppress their authentic desires. If you were taught that everyone is straight, you might feel confused or ashamed for feeling something different. You might engage in unfulfilling sexual relationships or have difficulty building meaningful connections.
Comphet also can take a toll on your mental health. Research shows that people in the queer community are more likely to experience emotional distress. This includes an increased risk of anxiety, depression, unhealthy substance use, and self-harm.*
*A note on safety: Members of the LGBTQ+ community are at an increased risk of suicidality. If you’re having thoughts of harming yourself, don’t hesitate to ask for help. You can contact the National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline by dialing 988 from any phone. The counselors there will provide confidential support and resources to help keep you safe. You can also contact The Trevor Project anytime, 24/7 for LGBTQ-affirming crisis and peer support.
How to learn about your true feelings and sexuality
Recognizing comphet is an opportunity to let go of societal expectations and learn more about your authentic self. If you want to explore your true feelings and sexuality, you can try:
Doing your research: Learning more about comphet is a good place to start. Researching the concept can help you understand its impact on society and your life. You might also want to explore LGBTQ+ books, podcasts, and social media accounts to find what resonates with you.
Keeping a journal: Journaling is a chance to reflect on your life choices. If you're questioning your sexuality, journaling can help explore your experiences and behavior patterns. It can also help you differentiate between what’s expected and what feels right to you.
Being kind to yourself: Comphet is a societal expectation and not a reflection of who you are. Finding your authentic self can be emotional, so remember to show yourself compassion throughout the process.
Seeking social support: Compulsory heterosexuality can be confusing and overwhelming, especially without a strong support network. Look for queer support groups to connect with others who are also questioning their sexual identity. You might want to start with online groups like PFLAG and TrevorSpace.
Speaking with a professional: If your feelings about your sexuality are causing you distress, consider seeing a therapist. LGBTQ+-affirming therapy can offer a safe space to ask questions, reflect on your experiences, and manage difficult emotions. If or when you decide to come out, they can provide emotional support and guidance.
When exploring whether comphet has shaped your experiences, a helpful question to ask yourself is: ‘Do I truly feel desire and excitement here, or do I just feel like I should?’
Brandy Chalmers, LPC
Clinical reviewer
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Compulsory heterosexuality can affect your thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and relationships. If you’re on a quest to learn more about your sexuality, Rula’s network of LGBTQ+-friendly therapists can help.
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Alex Bachert
Alex Bachert is a freelance copywriter and mental health advocate. Since earning her masters degree in public health, she has focused her career on creating informative content that empowers people to prioritize their health and well-being. Alex has partnered with organizations like Ro, WellTheory, and Firsthand, and her work has been recognized by the Digital Health Association.
When she’s not writing about mental health, Alex is usually playing pickleball, meeting with her local board of health, or enjoying time with her three kids.
Brandy Chalmers, LPC
Having faced challenges like childhood abuse, neglect, and the loss of her father to suicide, Brandy Chalmers is deeply passionate about providing compassionate care. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Nationally Certified Counselor, and Registered Play Therapist with a Master’s Degree in Clinical Counseling and Marriage and Family Therapy.
Brandy also teaches at a university, sharing her expertise with future mental health professionals. With over a decade of experience in settings like inpatient care and private practice, she specializes in helping clients with perfectionism, trauma, personality disorders, eating disorders, and life changes.
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