When someone feels a strong need to manage people, situations, or outcomes, they might have control issues.
Control issues often come from fear, insecurity, or past experiences of feeling powerless. Being in control can make some people feel safe and make life more predictable.
Therapy can help uncover the fears or insecurities behind control issues and teach you healthier ways to cope.
If you believe the only way to do things right is to do them yourself, you might have control issues.
Control issues aren’t always a bad thing. Wanting order can come from being responsible, detail-oriented, or caring about quality. The problem begins when you can’t relax, trust others, or accept anything less than perfect. That’s when control shifts from helpful to harmful.
The first step to addressing control issues is realizing you can’t control every detail. By practicing trust, letting others take the lead, or working with a therapist, you can ease the pressure you put on yourself and build stronger relationships.
Signs you may have control issues
Sometimes people notice they have control issues, but often it takes a loved one, coworker, or friend to point them out. You might see yourself as being responsible or organized, when underneath you’re managing stress or fear by holding onto control.
Common signs include:
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Feeling anxious when plans change
You plan dinner with a friend, but they cancel because of work. Instead of rescheduling, you get angry and guilt-trip them for ruining your night. Your need for control makes it hard to accept change, even when no one is at fault.
Micromanaging others
You ask your coworker to help with a report, but instead of letting them handle it, you give directions for every detail and even redo parts after they’re done. This kind of micromanaging usually comes from wanting things to be perfect, but it can leave others feeling criticized and unsure of themselves.
Struggling to delegate and trusting people to handle tasks on their own
People with control issues often have a hard time letting go. They might ask their partner to do the grocery shopping but then send texts about specific brands and “no substitutions,” leaving them feeling judged and incapable, even though the original request was to share responsibility.
Over-planning and getting upset when things don’t go according to plan
Say your child’s baseball game runs late, and dinner starts an hour later than planned. Instead of adjusting, you become tense and upset because the evening no longer matches your schedule. That frustration can also affect your family, even though the delay wasn’t intentional.
Being a “helicopter parent”
We’ve all heard about parents who hover over their kids and monitor their choices, friendships, schoolwork, and activities. While it often comes from a place of love, this helicopter approach can affect a child’s ability to develop independence.
Wanting to direct every plan or decision
You’re out with friends deciding where to go for dinner. Instead of letting the group talk it over, you jump in and push your favorite restaurant while dismissing others. Always steering plans or conversations can come from needing control, but it can make others feel unheard and frustrated.
Exerting coercive control
Sometimes control issues can become harmful, like with coercive control. For example, a partner might use a phone app to track your location and question every call or text. This ongoing need to dominate can slowly take away your freedom and sense of safety, making you feeling isolated and dependent.
Trying to control yourself
Control issues don’t always show up in how you treat others. Sometimes they turn inward. You might try to manage your feelings or fears by controlling your own body or habits through disordered eating, compulsive exercise, self-harm, or substance use.
Underlying causes of control issues
Most of the time, control issues aren’t about someone being difficult but rather about them trying to feel safe. Some common causes of control issues include:
Mental health conditions: Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), anxiety disorders, or certain personality disorders can spark the urge to control.
Past experiences: Control is a common part of codependency. If you grew up in a home that felt unstable or scary, you may have learned to hold on to control to feel safe. As an adult, this can lead to having an insecure attachment style that makes you want control in your relationships.
Trauma: Those living with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) often develop control issues to cope with unpredictable or painful events.
Trust issues: If you were taken advantage of or betrayed by someone in the past, you may develop a strong need for routines and habits that make you feel safe and avoid getting hurt again.
Low self-esteem: If you don’t feel secure and confident, controlling people or situations might offer a false sense of security.
Fear of uncertainty: Not everyone who imagines the worst-case scenario has control issues, but the two often go together. People who catastrophize may picture the worst outcome, making them feel powerless. They may take control of situations, people, or routines to try and calm that fear.
When control becomes abuse
Control issues can become a red flag when mixed with manipulation or abuse. Sometimes gaslighting and control are used together to dominate someone or cut them off from others. This is a form of covert emotional abuse.* It’s harmful because the person is putting their own need to feel secure or powerful above the well-being of the other person.
*If you’re facing immediate safety concerns, contact the National Domestic Abuse Hotline Website, or call 800-799-SAFE (7233) for confidential assistance.
Healthy ways to let go of control issues
Letting go of control isn’t about giving up. It’s about allowing yourself more freedom. When you trust others and recognize you can’t control everything, you feel calmer and enjoy life more. The goal of treating control issues is to help you feel more balanced, less anxious, and able to trust yourself and others — without needing to tightly manage every situation.
It’s not always easy to address control issues, and it may take time and practice. But with the right strategies and support, you can have a healthier and more balanced approach to life and relationships.
Consider these ways to release control:
Communicate honestly. Consider talking about your focus on control with someone you trust. For instance, instead of double-checking your coworker’s report, share your feelings. You might say, “I get nervous about mistakes because I want our team to look good. Can we review this together before sending it?”
Focus on what’s really in your control. Put energy into your own choices, routines, and self-care instead of stressing about others’ decisions or behaviors. This shift can help you feel calmer and more balanced.
Journal your thoughts. Write down moments where you felt the need to control and how it played out. Seeing patterns on paper can make it easier to challenge those habits.
Create relaxation rituals. Regular exercise, taking walks, or spending time in nature can ease stress. Healthy outlets release tension and reduce the urge to control.
Try therapy. Different types of talk therapy can help, depending on what’s driving the control issues. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) teaches ways to challenge perfectionism, manage anxiety, and handle uncertainty. Psychodynamic therapy can help if the root is trauma or insecure attachment. Family or couples therapy works well when control issues affect relationships.
At the root of control issues, I often see fear of being left or not feeling good enough. When that fear takes over, control can feel like protection — but real safety comes from trust, not control.
Brandy Chalmers, LPC
Clinical reviewer
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If you or someone you care about has trouble with control, therapy can help you understand where it comes from and give you tools to cope in healthier ways. A therapist can also spot issues like anxiety, depression, or past trauma that may intensify the need for control. With support, you can learn better ways to handle stress, trust others, and feel calmer in moments of uncertainty.
At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best.
Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we're here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.
Linda Childers
Linda is an award-winning medical writer with experience writing for major media outlets, health companies, hospitals, and both consumer and trade print and digital outlets.
Her articles have appeared in the Washington Post, USA Today, WebMD, AARP, Brain+Life, HealthyWomen.org, The Rheumatologist, California Health Report, Everyday Health, HealthCentral, and many other media outlets.
While juggling the responsibilities of being part of the “sandwich generation” and caring for both her toddler son and terminally ill mother, a nurse friend encouraged her to seek therapy, which helped her to learn coping strategies and manage her depression. Linda hopes her work will help to destigmatize mental health conditions and encourage others to get the help they need.
Brandy Chalmers, LPC
Having faced challenges like childhood abuse, neglect, and the loss of her father to suicide, Brandy Chalmers is deeply passionate about providing compassionate care. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Nationally Certified Counselor, and Registered Play Therapist with a Master’s Degree in Clinical Counseling and Marriage and Family Therapy.
Brandy also teaches at a university, sharing her expertise with future mental health professionals. With over a decade of experience in settings like inpatient care and private practice, she specializes in helping clients with perfectionism, trauma, personality disorders, eating disorders, and life changes.
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