Key Takeaways
Dating someone who lives with depression can bring unique challenges, but you can play an important role in supporting them.
As a supportive partner, you can validate their emotional experiences and encourage them to practice healthy, mood-lifting habits.
Remember, your support can’t replace professional treatment. It’s important to have boundaries and take care of yourself.
Dating is hard enough as it is, and when one or both people have depression, it can become even trickier.
Research shows [1] that having depression — especially as a young person — is linked with lower relationship quality. That doesn’t mean it’s impossible to date someone with depression, but it may present some unique challenges. However, many people with depression maintain healthy and fulfilling relationships. Depression is also manageable, and with the right support, you can reduce its impact on your daily life.
If you’re in a romantic relationship with someone who has depression, you can learn how to provide the support they need while also taking care of yourself.
1. Learn about depression
Educating yourself about depression can help you understand what your partner is going through. Learning more about depression and how it affects them can be an essential part of deepening your connection.
Many credible and useful sites online provide depression education, including resources from the National Institute of Mental Health [2]. But you can also ask your partner about their experience and how depression shows up in their lives. After all, no two people with depression are the same — and they know themselves best.
2. Validate their emotions, not the cause
Depression can make you believe things that aren’t objectively true. For example, the person you’re dating might believe they’re not worthy of love or attention.
Even though these beliefs may be obviously untrue from your perspective, avoid minimizing or invalidating their experience. You can validate your partner’s feelings without validating the untrue thoughts behind them.
For example, you might say something like, “I can see how heavy this feels for you. I believe you deserve love and care. I’m here for you even if your mind is telling you something different.”
3. Have patience
One of the core symptoms of depression is fatigue. Additionally, research shows that depression can significantly affect things like sex drive. This means that sometimes, your partner with depression may not feel motivated to go out on dates or be intimate with you.
Try to be patient with them. Remember that this fatigue and apathy isn’t a reflection of you or how much they care for you. It’s just a direct result of how depression affects their brain.
4. Encourage them to take action
Behavioral activation is a concept from cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). It’s based on the idea that action often comes before emotion. In other words, you don't need to feel better to get out and do things. Often, doing things and changing our behavior — even when we feel depressed — can help us to feel better.
With that in mind, try to encourage your partner to engage in enjoyable activities when they can. It’s not about forcing them to get out of bed. But it can look like consistently inviting them out or encouraging them to take small actions that make them feel better each day.
You might say something like, “No pressure at all, but if you have the energy later, I’d love to go for a walk with you.”
5. Examine implicit bias and stigma
Many of us have implicit biases and stigma against depression that we may not even be aware of. We can have this stigma even if we’ve experienced depression ourselves. We might have underlying beliefs like, “If you’re strong enough, you can get over depression,” or, “Depression isn’t an excuse not to work hard.”
It’s important to examine these implicit biases, as they can unconsciously affect the way you treat your partner. Taking an honest look at your assumptions can help you respond with more compassion. It also helps you avoid unintentionally blaming your partner for symptoms they can’t control.
6. Don’t take it personally
At times, you may feel rejected by your partner because of their depression. For example, they may not want to be intimate with you. You may feel frustrated that no matter what you do, it’s not “enough” to make them happy.
Try not to take these things personally. Remember that depression is a health condition that affects the way your loved one thinks, feels, and behaves. Their symptoms have nothing to do with you or how much they care for you.
7. Take care of yourself
Depression doesn’t excuse hurtful or abusive behavior. It’s important to have boundaries and take care of yourself. Even if you need to leave the relationship to prioritize your well-being, that’s OK.
Your partner might not be intentionally hurtful toward you. But it’s still your decision to continue dating them. You’re not a bad person if you decide you want a different kind of relationship.
8. Help them connect with professional support
No matter how much you care for your partner, your support can’t replace professional mental health treatment. Depression often improves with treatment, including therapy, medication, or both. Treatment can also take some pressure off the relationship, since you don’t have to be the only person they lean on.
If your partner is open to it, you can gently encourage them to reach out for help or offer to sit with them while they look for a therapist. You don’t have to manage the whole process for them, but showing that you believe they deserve support can make a difference.
Clinician's take
In my experience, genuine support feels like standing with your partner, not carrying them. You’re offering care, but you’re not trying to fix their feelings or control their mood. When you start ignoring your own needs or feeling responsible for their emotional state, that’s a sign you’ve crossed into caretaking instead of support.
Find care with Rula
Dating someone with depression can feel complicated, but understanding the condition and validating their experiences can make the relationship healthier for both of you. You can also have your own boundaries and encourage your partner to get professional treatment instead of relying solely on you for support.
At Rula, we’re here to help you feel better. Rula makes it easy to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who takes your insurance. That way, you don’t have to choose between great care and a price you can afford.
Rula patients pay about $15 per session with insurance, and 93% say they feel better after getting care through Rula. We have 21,000+ providers, and appointments are available as soon as tomorrow. We’re here to help you take the next step — wherever you are in your mental health journey.
