Defensiveness is when someone takes a comment as an attack, even if it wasn’t meant that way.
When someone feels defensive, they may shut down, make excuses, or blame others as a way of protecting themselves.
Even if defensiveness has become a habit, therapy can teach you how to respond in healthier ways.
Being defensive all the time can feel draining. It takes a lot of energy to stay on guard and explain yourself in every situation.
You may have developed defensiveness without even realizing it — especially if it once helped you cope with stress or other uncomfortable emotions. But defensiveness can shut down even productive conversations and hold you back from growth or fulfilling relationships.
The good news is that you don’t have to live with defensiveness. With awareness and practice, you can find healthier ways to respond to feedback.
How to recognize when you’re being defensive
Most people don’t try to be defensive on purpose. Reactions like arguing, making excuses, or shutting down usually happen automatically. It’s the brain’s way of protecting you from feeling judged or rejected.
Because the reaction happens so fast, many people don’t even realize they’re being defensive until after the conversation, if at all. The first step in overcoming defensiveness is noticing how you react to feedback and learning healthier ways to reply.
Here are some signs you might be defensive:
When faced with feedback, you typically tense up, argue, or shift blame.
Your inner dialogue rushes to explain or justify, rather than truly listening to the feedback.
You tend to point out what others did wrong instead of focusing on your own behaviors.
If someone’s giving you feedback, you shut down.
Your response feels bigger than the situation, with strong emotions like anger or frustration.
You cut people off to correct them or defend yourself.
Even gentle or constructive feedback feels like a personal attack.
The care you need, when you need it
Learn how Rula can support your mental health journey
Root causes of defensive behavior and their impact
Defensiveness is often a protective mechanism that you learn early in life. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or “wrong.” But being defensive can hold you back from deeper self-reflection, growth, and rewarding relationships.
You might have developed defensiveness because of:
Childhood trauma and neglect: Growing up with constant criticism, judgment, or conflict can teach you to be defensive to protect yourself.
Attachment style: If caregivers were distant or unpredictable, you may have developed an anxious-ambivalent attachment style. This attachment style may lead you to shut down to protect yourself or cling tightly to others for fear of abandonment. In both cases, feedback can feel threatening.
Poor communication skills: Not knowing how to share your feelings calmly or clearly can lead to frustration and arguments. If you struggle to express disappointment, you might also respond passive aggressively. This can lead to more issues rather than solutions.
Low self-esteem: If you don’t feel good about yourself, even small comments can sting. Defensiveness becomes a way to guard against feeling like you’re not “good enough.” You can try showing yourself compassion through positive self-talk. You might remind yourself, “This feedback is about the situation, not my worth as a person.”
Emotional dysregulation: If you have trouble managing your emotions, strong feelings can take over. You might react quickly, blaming others or completely shutting down. Over time, this can strain your relationships and make it harder to solve problems calmly.
Fear of rejection or failure: If you’ve been teased or excluded in the past, you may become defensive to protect yourself. This can create a cycle that hurts relationships and makes you feel even more guarded. Learning how to manage rejection can help you see it as a normal part of life rather than a personal flaw.
Defensiveness and your mental health
While defensiveness isn’t a diagnosis, it can be linked to your mental health. Certain mental health conditions might make it more likely that you’ll take things personally or react quickly.
If you notice you’re often defensive in conversations, it may be worth bringing up with a mental health professional. They can help you practice communications skills and find the right support for your needs.
Defensiveness is linked to these conditions:
Anxiety disorders: Anxiety can transform even gentle feedback into what feels like harsh criticism. Defensiveness might serve as a tactic to help you avoid feeling vulnerable.
Depression: Low self-esteem and negative self-talk can feel like constant inner attacks. This can make you more likely to respond defensively if you sense criticism.
Trauma or past neglect: If you experienced emotional abuse, neglect, or constant criticism as a child, defensiveness may have become a survival tool.
Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD): High sensitivity in attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder can make feedback feel harsher than it is.
Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD): Because OCD is already linked to self-doubt, even small suggestions can feel like confirmation that you’re “wrong” or doing something “bad.”
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD): People with PTSD may constantly scan for signs of criticism or rejection. Because their brain is wired to watch for danger, simple feedback can even feel threatening.
Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD): For people with RSD, any type of criticism or rejection can lead to extreme pain and stress. Even small comments can feel like major personal attacks, triggering defensiveness, withdrawal, or anger.
Social anxiety: When social situations feel threatening, people with social anxiety may rush to defend their choices because they expect to be judged. They might also take things too personally, which can unintentionally push people away.
Bipolar disorder: People with bipolar disorder may already feel judged, so if they think someone is questioning their behavior, they might use defensiveness to protect themselves.
Borderline personality disorder: People with BPD often have an intense fear of being abandoned. This fear can trigger defensive reactions like anger, denial, or pushing people away.
Know that while mental health conditions can present steep challenges, they can be treated. Working with a therapist can help you get the support you need to communicate effectively and build healthy relationships.
How to overcome a defensive spiral
You might want to improve your communication skills and reduce defensiveness for a variety of reasons. Addressing defensiveness and responding in a healthier way can help you solve problems more effectively, communicate your feelings more accurately, and strengthen relationships in all aspects of your life.
Try these steps:
Recognize your triggers. Knowing what triggers your defensiveness means becoming aware of the situations, words, or feelings that make you want to argue or shut down. Common emotional triggers include criticism, stress or exhaustion, or being reminded of past experiences.
Pause before reacting. If you feel a strong emotional reaction, take a moment to pause and reflect. Ask yourself, “Is this reaction about the present or is it tied to my past?” It might be helpful to also ask, “Am I reacting to what was said or to how I feel about being criticized?” Taking a moment to acknowledge your feelings that come up can help you respond calmly and mindfully.
Consider your response. If someone genuinely upsets you, it’s possible to share your perspective without getting defensive. Using “I” statements can help communicate your feelings without sounding like you’re blaming the other person. Listening to feedback and staying accountable can show maturity and lower tension.
Learn how to defend yourself. You’ll probably have experiences or conversations that genuinely are unfair. Maybe someone’s blaming you for something you didn’t do. Navigating conflict and expressing your feelings is an important part of any relationship. You can start by saying, “I’m feeling really unheard right now. Can we pause to go back to what I said.”
Try therapy. Talk therapy, like cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), can teach you how to recognize defensive patterns and respond in healthier ways. Other types of therapy, like mindfulness-based therapy and interpersonal therapy, can also help you strengthen communications skills. It may be worth exploring a few different types of therapy to find the approach that works for you.
In moments when defensiveness arises, I encourage clients to reframe their thoughts. This can sound like, ‘This is my body trying to protect me, not attack the other person.’ Taking a slow breath and pausing to notice what feels threatened can help you respond from a place of understanding rather than instinct.
Ashley Ayala, LMFT
Clinical reviewer
Find care with Rula
If you often feel defensive, you probably know how it can wear you out and create tension in your relationships. Therapy gives you a safe space to explore why you react this way and what triggers it. With support, you can develop calmer ways to handle feedback, build confidence, and improve how you communicate during hard conversations.
At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best.
Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 15,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we're here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.
Linda Childers
Linda is an award-winning medical writer with experience writing for major media outlets, health companies, hospitals, and both consumer and trade print and digital outlets.
Her articles have appeared in the Washington Post, USA Today, WebMD, AARP, Brain+Life, HealthyWomen.org, The Rheumatologist, California Health Report, Everyday Health, HealthCentral, and many other media outlets.
While juggling the responsibilities of being part of the “sandwich generation” and caring for both her toddler son and terminally ill mother, a nurse friend encouraged her to seek therapy, which helped her to learn coping strategies and manage her depression. Linda hopes her work will help to destigmatize mental health conditions and encourage others to get the help they need.
Ashley Ayala, LMFT
Ashley is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in generational healing and family dynamics. Ashley has worked in schools, clinics, and in private practice. She believes that people’s relationships, including our relationship with ourselves, greatly shape our experiences in life.
Ashley is committed to empowering others to show up authentically and deepen their self understanding. This passion stems from taking a critical lens on her own life story and doing inner healing. One of her favorite quotes is “Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.”
Rula's editorial process
Rula's editorial team is on a mission to make science-backed mental health insights accessible and practical for every person seeking to better understand or improve mental wellness.
Members of Rula’s clinical leadership team and other expert providers contribute to all published content, offering guidance on themes and insights based on their firsthand experience in the field. Every piece of content is thoroughly reviewed by a clinician before publishing.
