Key Takeaways
Emotional incest occurs when a parent uses their child to meet their adult emotional needs. They treat their child as a partner, friend, or confidant instead of a child.
Emotional incest can increase the risk of psychological and social problems for survivors. It can lead to depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and relationship problems in adulthood.
With the right support, survivors can heal from the effects of emotional incest. This might include positive affirmations, creativity, physical movement, therapy (if needed), and other supports.
The parent-child bond is critically important for a child’s development. Healthy parental attachment helps a child feel safe, develop self-esteem, and form healthy relationships later in life. But when the relationship is dysfunctional, often due to abuse or neglect, it can create lasting emotional and psychological struggles for the child.
The term emotional incest is used to describe a parent-child dynamic in which a parent uses a child to meet their emotional, relational, or spousal needs. This concept is also referred to as covert incest or parent-child enmeshment. It can be a form of parentification whereby a child is forced to take on adult roles.
While it doesn’t include inappropriate sexual contact, emotional incest is widely considered a form of abuse. It creates blurred boundaries and places unfair pressure on a child to meet adult needs. If you’re a survivor of emotional incest, know that you’re not alone, and help is available. With the right support, you can process childhood experiences, set clear boundaries, and form the healthy relationships you deserve.
Signs of emotional incest
Parents who perpetrate emotional incest use their child(ren) to meet their adult emotional or relational needs. In treating their child like a “little adult,” they fail to set appropriate boundaries and compromise their child’s developmental needs. This can create an enmeshed family dynamic that’s unhealthy for everyone involved.
Some signs of emotional incest include:
You were a parent’s confidant. “After a fight with my dad, my mom always came crying to me. She would tell me every detail of their marital struggles, even though I was too young to understand them. I always felt caught in the middle, or like I had to hate dad to win mom’s love.”
You had too much adult responsibility. “After the divorce, my dad told me I was the ‘woman of the house,’ even though I was just 8 years old. He started coming to me with questions I couldn’t answer, like whether we should sell the house or if he should quit his job. I felt a ton of pressure to respond — it felt like he needed me to move forward in life.
You felt like you had to be a “fixer.” “Whenever something bad happened when I was growing up, my parents really leaned on me. Sometimes they would say things that felt good, like, “You’re the only one who understands,” or, “I knew you could figure this out, you’re our little hero!” But along the way, I stopped feeling like it was OK to be a kid. I feel like I got robbed of a childhood.
Why emotional incest happens
Emotional incest happens for a variety of reasons, and we can’t always predict who it will affect. However, researchers have identified a few factors that may make parents more likely to develop emotionally inappropriate relationships with their children, including:
The parent is unwilling or unable to form a healthy connection with their spouse, partner, or co-parent, so they project their emotional needs onto their child.
The parent didn’t have their emotional needs met by their parents. In response, they (consciously or unconsciously) repeat the cycle with the next generation.
The parent and child are members of a culture that places a high value on familial bonds, obedience, and respect for elders. This may increase the probability of emotional incest.
Long-term effects of emotional incest
Emotional incest may not leave physical scars, but that doesn’t mean it can’t create lasting harm. It’s a form of abuse that might not be readily apparent to outside observers, and it may take survivors a long time to realize how it affected them.
Without support, emotional incest can lead to:
Coping mechanisms like unhealthy substance use
Adult relationship problems, including trouble with intimacy, infidelity, and codependency
Greater risk of low self-esteem, depression, anxiety disorders, and other mental health concerns
Difficulty setting and maintaining healthy boundaries
Trouble telling the difference between supportive and exploitative relationships
Self-neglect or constantly putting others’ needs ahead of one’s own
Healing from emotional incest
If you’re an emotional incest survivor (or you think you might be), don’t hesitate to ask for help. Many therapists understand how parent-child relationships can affect people in adulthood. With their help, you can process confusing or upsetting memories, interrupt unhelpful patterns, set healthy boundaries, and build the balanced relationships you deserve.
In addition, the following self-care strategies can help support you throughout your healing journey:
Use positive affirmations. Emotional abuse can damage a person’s self-esteem and create a loud “inner critic.” You can begin to drown out those negative thoughts by starting each day with a positive statement that’s meaningful to you. For example, you can say something to yourself like, “My needs are just as important as anyone else’s. It’s OK to have boundaries.”
Be creative. You don’t have to consider yourself an artist to benefit from being creative. Activities like painting, drawing, writing, or playing music can provide a sense of emotional relief. Making art can be a way to process childhood experiences or uncomfortable memories you may not have the words for.
Move your body. Physical movement can be a powerful antidote for emotional trauma. As you begin to work through your experience of emotional incest, exercise can help you release strong emotions like anger or grief. You can choose any safe activity that you enjoy, from a gentle walk or yoga session to a high-energy kickboxing class.
Clinician's take
Healing starts when you realize being needed isn’t the same as being loved. Your parent’s dependence wasn’t care — it was crossing a line.
Find care with Rula
Emotional incest happens when a parent treats their child like an adult, blurring boundaries and potentially leading to lasting psychological and emotional harm. It’s a form of abuse — and you deserve support.
If you’ve experienced emotional incest, know you’re not alone. With therapy and self-care, you can heal from the past, set appropriate boundaries, and create loving, healthy connections.
At Rula, we’re committed to delivering a comprehensive behavioral health experience that helps people feel seen and understood so they can get back to feeling their best.
Rula makes it easier to find a licensed therapist or psychiatric provider who accepts your insurance so you don’t have to choose between affordable care and excellent care. With a diverse network of more than 21,000 providers, 24/7 crisis support, and appointments available as soon as tomorrow, we’re here to help you make progress — wherever you are on your mental health journey.
About the clinical reviewer
Brandy Chalmers, LPC
Having faced challenges like childhood abuse, neglect, and the loss of her father to suicide, Brandy Chalmers is deeply passionate about providing compassionate care. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Nationally Certified Counselor, and Registered Play Therapist with a Master’s Degree in Clinical Counseling and Marriage and Family Therapy.
Brandy also teaches at a university, sharing her expertise with future mental health professionals. With over a decade of experience in settings like inpatient care and private practice, she specializes in helping clients with perfectionism, trauma, personality disorders, eating disorders, and life changes.
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